As a relational partner, it is important that you support your important person as they deal with their life challenges. Many times we want to jump in and offer a solution. This strategy does not lead to enhanced closeness. Instead try asking questions so your partner can arrive at their own solution--with your assistance. Fujishin has developed the HELPS method (he likes acronyms!):
Honor the speaker's thoughts and feelings
Explore the speaker's problem
List possible solutions
Propose a solution
Start the solution
Step 1: honor what your important person is feeling and experiencing. Validate their experience rather than belittling it. Try not to judge or change their feelings.
Step 2: Help them explore the problem. You can help them analyze the problem by asking questions about it: what is the problem? how serious is it? whom does it affect? what are the causes? what actions or solutions have already been attempted? what will happen if the problem isn't solved? These questions are designed to benefit your partner, not just satisfy your curiosity. Ask probing questions that will focus your partner on exploring the problem.
Step 3: List possible solutions. Brainstorm with your partner. Be positive and encouraging because they might not believe a solution exists. It's okay--even desirable--to get creative here.
Step 4: Propose a solution. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the possible solutions. Identify a possible solution and ask your partner if they are willing to give that one a try.
Step 5: Take action. Help your partner figure out how to implement the desired solution. If the solution involves a difficult conversation, role play it with them.
My hope is that the solution will be implemented and the problem solved. But, even if that is not the outcome of this process, you have demonstrated your support and encouragement to your partner. That is invaluable and will serve to strengthen your relationship!
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This step of solutions seems to be very affective. I do not have any relational problems at this point in my life but the next time I do I will look back and remember these steps in order to solve them appropriately and according to something that works.
ReplyDeleteSydney Smith Comm 460
ReplyDeleteI think that support in relationships for times both good and bad are one of the most important things that each individual can offer. I would really agree that being able to support a person in their time of need is a very good way to promote closeness between to people. Also, I think that it is true that jumping to a solution is not always the best thing because often times the problem will come right back. By taking the time to follow the "HELP" steps I really believe that the problems will be worked out and understood and the two people involved in the relationship.
This past Friday my son's father got re-called back in the US Army to fight in Afghanistan. He obviously took this news as devastating and crushing. I normally in tough times find the needs to jump in, take control of the situation, and use my "magic powers" and fix it all so life can continue back how it normally is. But I realized, and this blog its in perfectly, that I needed to sit back and be supportive and help him work through this. I needed to not try to take control. I let him speak what he was feeling about this situation and just have his time for this to be about him. I would normally move quickly through the first step and straight on to asking questions and making solutions but that first step was extremely important to him and I think that is what allowed this extremely tough time in our lives to begin to work out smoothly and come up with a plan for how we are going to survive.
ReplyDeleteCourtney Busick - COMM 460
ReplyDeleteThis is actually a problem my boyfriend has (and yes, sometimes I do too.) He goes into "fix-it" mode and gets frustrated when he can't and then I get frustrated because I was just looking for a sounding board. I appreciate him wanting to take out his magic wand and make it all better. That would be lovely! That isn't reality and when he does this, I start feeling like my own abilities are being overshadowed. I want to know I have some control of the situation. I want to know how I can work it out. I think by reading over the HELPS acronym, I will be more aware of trying to let him "help" in a way that is appropriate for the both of us. I think by both of us adopting this mentality, we won't get frustrated at one another, he'll still feel like he's helping, and I'll still feel in control.
This post is perfect for what is happening right now. My girlfriend is very upset because there is a lot going on in her family right now. She is just upset and wants me there to comfort her. These sample questions on how to initiate dealing with certain challenges in her life really help. It is better to start with a template then nothing at all. For example, right now she is upset about her sister and that she does not treat my girlfriend as well as she treats other people. All too often I am just there to agree and support her but I miss some of the steps, such as finding solutions for her problem. I think she is clouded by her sadness too much sometimes to come up with certain solutions. That is why I am here. I could suggest things like writing out a letter to her explaining how she feels and noting the pros and cons of doing that. Once we settle on a solution I can help her implement the solution.
ReplyDeleteRecently my fiancé has been faced with the challenge and opportunity to go to college. Because he was in the military after high school and then worked for an importing company where he traveled quite a bit overseas, he never got a college degree. At his current job the upper management is now encouraging him to go, and they have great incentives to do so, including tuition reimbursement. While this is an incredible opportunity for him, James is also nervous about the commitment and the pressure to perform.
ReplyDeleteAs a working student myself, I understand the challenges that adding school to an already full schedule can present, but I also know first-hand its rewards. In James' case, the tuition reimbursement program is an incredible incentive that I have not had. He knows what a great move this will be for him and for our future, but it is still a source of stress for him right now.
In attempts to keep the lines of communication open between us and to be a supportive partner to James, Fujishin's HELPS method is a great tool to that end. The most important thing for me to remember first is to respect his anxiety and fear of this life change by allowing him to express those feelings to me without judgment. And because of my similar position, I have some good ideas as far as working toward a mutually-compatible solution.
~ Thompson 460
Angela Clayton from COM460-50 says...
ReplyDeleteWow. I could produce a long list of all the current issues I'm facing but I will only pick one. My boyfriend graduated from UofL last May and he is still confused about what he wants to pursue in the career field. He's currently working sercurity 3rd shift and after 4 years he's tried of working there but isn't taking the steps to pursue a different career. His current job has made it hard for us to spend time together because I'm on 1st shift and his on 3rd shift, so sometimes we met in the middle. I feel like I take on the role of overbearing and I tend to push people to get a desire outcome. I understand that his unhappy along with me with his job but then again its a job and it does pay the bills. I've had to back off and stop pushing him into finding a new job because the more I push the more I seem like he pulls away and thats not getting us anywhere. It's his life and only he can decide to move on from this job and I'm sure when I least suspect it he will land his dream job. I hope!
Honor the speaker's thoughts and feelings
ReplyDeleteExplore the speaker's problem
List possible solutions
Propose a solution
Start the solution
I really love this one. As another person said, I tend to jump in and try to make everything better before I even know the full extent of the problem. My husband does the same to me and we have to remind ourselves to just listen to the other until we really understand what the other wants.
"Start the solution" is a follow-through that I find the most important. It is so easy to throw out solutions and then leave the other to flounder. I find that if a person makes an attempt to act on the solution it sends the message that it wasn't just lip-service and they are dedicated to helping with the problem.
I like this post because everyone needs to know what to do in these situations because the wrong advice can do damage. I especially like the part that said that you dont want to belittle the situation to the person seeking advice. Too many times has this happened to me and I responded by shutting down and not getting any progress. You must be supportive and thoughtful of the person that is coming to you. You have to put yourself in their shoes and think before you speak!!!
ReplyDeleteBrandi Koch - 315-50 Interpersonal Relationships
ReplyDeleteWhat a great topic. Being in an encouraging, understanding relationship is key. I have learned to be a good listener over time. It is not always about the advice you feel you need to give at the time, but most times the listening itself is what someone needs. The HELPS method makes total sense to me. Not judging what your partner is feeling and honoring those feelings that they are having is something that we all desire from our partner. We may not always understand the reasons why our partner feels a certain way but we do need to be understanding of what they are going through. I seem to work out my feelings better when someone is there to listen to me and I can use them as a sounding board. I think most of us feel this way. Any genuine step in the direction of better communication and understanding will strengthen any relationship.
I am going to start implementing these steps with my mom. Whenever I call her upset she is quick to offer advice or comments that are the last things I want to hear. Sometimes I just wish she would listen to what I have to say and why it is upsetting me, not how she would have acted in the situation. To each person feelings and reactions are different. I like to separate myself from how I would feel and try to understand the person who is coming to me for help. One person's sadness might be another "no big deal".
ReplyDeleteBefore taking your class I use to think that I had "all the answers." I would always say what I was thinking because I felt honesty was the best thing for maintaing a friendship or relationship. When my friends or wife would tell me something that they had done I would say negative things like "that was dumb" or "thats not smart." Now I realize that in order to be a good friend or a good partner I need to be more positive. I should first listen to what I am being told and offer my opinion at the appropriate time. After taking this course I feel that it has taught me to be positive while offering my opinion and giving encouragement instead of putting someone down for the decisions that they have made. I realize that nobody is perfect and people are going to make mistakes. Its how we discuss those mistakes and offer solutions and encouragement to make that person feel good about themselves that makes us a good friend and partner.
ReplyDeleteCharlotte Shumate
ReplyDeleteClass 460
The HELP acronym really does seem to be a good way to help one another out. For instance my son is going to graduate college soon and he is trying to decide what he would like to do after graduation. I told him I am very proud of him no matter what he does and that he should follow his heart. He sometimes seems to be a bit lost about the whole thing with the economy being as it is and I try to reassure him that something good will work out for him. I know he is a good person and a job today is difficult to find but I think if he just keeps on believing and follows a plan he will find the job he wants. Everything takes time and we have to encourage one another when times are tough.
In my experience, support is the best thing in a relationship that I can offer. My brother has had a slower start getting his life together. Instead of growing up and taking care of hiself, he has allowed others to enable him. Figuring things out on my own has been the best learning experience for me and even though I took others advice, I always found my own way to do things. Sort of like trial and error. I lived and I learned. I am still doing that now. The best advice I have for my brother is for him to figure things out on his own. I just want him to be able to be a man and grow up. The only way that it can happen is for people to allow him to make his own mistakes. That is the real solution. No two people can do things the exact same way and get the same result. Thats why they say to each's own.
ReplyDeleteKathy Mattingly--COMM 315
ReplyDeleteI really like this blog post! After looking at the HELPS acronym, I started to analyze my problem-solving/helping techniques and I realized I already do this with my female friends because most of the time they just want someone to listen. However, with my boyfriend, I'm quick to jump in with a solution and I think it's because he does the same thing to me. He thinks that by giving me a solution he's helping me, when in reality I need his support and encouragement to figure things out on my own. This has been especially evident in the last couple of months. I was laid-off and after a couple of days he immediately started throwing out ideas for possible job searches and so forth. He didn't understand that I needed to process through all the possibilites, not to mention processing the acutal loss, before I could jump in and find a job. He's in the military and his job is completely secure so he doesn't understand the difficulty of job searching, especially in this economy. I think I may show him this HELPS idea so he better understands me. I will also try to use HELPS more when he starts talking about a problem with work or his own classes. I've always been supportive of him but I think this will allow me to show him how supportive I can be.
Rebecca Hunt
ReplyDeleteComm 315
This post definitely applies to my life right now! My fiance has been in life insurance sales in a totally commission-based position. Lately, due to the economy, the insurance business is not exactly flourishing. While we're not having a tough time financially at this point, it is still hard to not stress about the future. I do not resent my fiance in the least or feel that this is his fault at all, but I sometimes don't know the best way to help him. It is hard to hold my tongue and not offer suggestions, but I know that he really just needs love and support instead. He is very intelligent and will come up with a great solution, so I have to remind myself that my job is not to tell him what to do, but to believe in him and trust he'll find a great way out of this.
Support is the best thing to have when you are feeling the weight of life on your shoulders and nothing is worse than having someone there always trying to fix your problems instead of just listening. As we learned earlier in the semester women like to be heard and want to vent and it is usually men who have trouble with just listening and giving support because usually their first instinct is to fix it, they just want to make things better, but it sometimes makes things worse. I think Validation at #1 is key in the process of "fixing things" because it isn't that girls don't want a soluton it is that we don't one a solution without our feelings being validated first in order for this to happen, it requires listening now and then asking questions later.
ReplyDeleteI would this week's post something that can be and should be applied to all relationships. In fact, I really wish my parents would read this to gain some insight. It's very important to resist the urge to automatically respond with a solution to a problem. I've found myself trying to "fix" friends and loved one's problem and them the same to me. I guess it's just human nature to "take care" of those we care about, even though we don't always know best. It's much more important to first mindfully listen to what we're being told before we begin to process the information and brainstorm various solutions, not just what we personally thing is the "best" or "right" choice.
ReplyDeleteTurner 315
Posted By Branden Hatfield
ReplyDeleteComm 315-50:
I think that analyzing your partner’s problem can be very healthy for the relationship. If you take the time to explore what they are going through, versus offering your commentary immediately, you may be able to reach a more beneficial solution. I see this time and again within my own relationship. I tell my girlfriend that I am going through something, and instead of taking the time to examine and dissect the problem, she simply gives the first response that comes to mind. This, in turn, does not allow us to take the most responsive course of action in order to bring some resolution. This may also, in the future, prevent me from coming to here with problems that I am facing.
I will really remember and use these steps in my relationships. I think it is alwaays a good idea to have a plan and to put the plan in to place when things are not going the way they should be going.
ReplyDeleteDiscussions regarding challenges are something my boyfriend and I are working on in our relationship. We tend to want to jump in and solve each others problems, without listening long enough to help each other figure out the problem for ourselves. I think we work through the first two steps very well together, but then jump in with solutions. I also think that problems we discuss often don’t have immediate solutions. Sometimes our problems are more of minor aggravations (mostly work related) that really have to be tolerated instead of solved. In this case our “solutions” for each other are hindering the real objective of the situation, which is to gain insight and to work on new stress coping strategies.
ReplyDeleteBrandee Flynn
Comm 315
G.Mason-Comm. 460-50
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with this concept. The worst thing that you can do to a person when they come to you and need to talk about something is for you not to listen or take their feelings into consideration let alone try to change their feelings about a situation. It's just not fair. It's happen to me plenty of times. If people would just listen and try to understand what a person is going through instead of assuming things, maybe we all could help each other get through life a little easier. This is a great model to follow in helping a friend. The only thing that I don't always do is help come up with a solution. I don't help give a solution or any type of opinion until I am asked for one. Sometimes people just want to talk and for someone to just listen to them. So I always try to give my undivided attention and just listen to them. I will attempt this approach some point in time.
Morgan Tardiff
ReplyDeleteComm 460
I think this is a great way to handle issues without stepping on the other persons feelings. Most of the time my boyfriend and I just end up fighting when I try to help. He thinks he knows everything so it doesn’t usually matter what I say. I think that if I use this method he might open himself up to listening to my opinion and I won’t be pushing it on him. I can ask him these questions and maybe he can come to his own solution with the help of my positive input.
The HELPS acronym is a great concept to direct comfort and communication of a relationship. The first idea should be a given in a relationship. Both sides should always honor anything the other has to say. The rest of the steps are all the guidelines that need to be followed beyond that. Anyone can throw out a bunch of solutions, but to process and analyze each item is not always an easy walkthrough. However, while these are great items to follow, to over-analyze can be overwhelming at times. I would recommend to follow these, but while listing and proposing solutions, it is very important to draw solutions from the one who has the problem. You don't want to create a scene where you are the only one talking and shutting out the problemed one. Also, when you "start the solution" it is important to make sure both people start the solution together, not just one person taking the load on themselves. As these steps are followed, communication and openness become more accessible, and the relationship becomes more comfortable for both sides.
ReplyDeleteThis is something that I could benefit in utilizing, for sure! I am always the one that wants to hurry and come up with a solution- I am this way in my marriage and in my friendships. I think it is my ocd nature that contributes to me wanting to provide a solution rather than just listening and asking questions so the other person can come up with a solution on their own. I am always wanting to complete things the most quickest and effect way. But you know, this sometimes gets me in trouble. When I do provide a solution and it doesn't work out in the situation than others feel that I am free to blame. I will be referencing the guidelines provided on this blog for sure!
ReplyDeleteMeg Rudolph
Comm 460
I have always been one that people come to with their problems. I didn't realize until reading this blog that I always ask questions that lead them to answers to their problems, but I always give them a suggestion of what I would do as well. Now that I am aware that I do this I am really going to try to just ask questions without giving them the what I would do suggestion. I think this will be more helpful in the long run because they will feel like they can solve their problems and just disscuss them with friends rather than search for answers.
ReplyDeleteNicole Carey
Six months ago, I use to sit and listen to friends and family members tell me their issues. Sometimes, they just wanted a listening ear and other times maybe a helping hand. I tried to read the situation because there is a motive for the reason why their telling me; rather its because Im a good friend or I am in the position to help. Today, I offer soltions and help in a way to resolve the issue without fustraiting the other party. This method tends to keep the relationship close and open.
ReplyDeleteFor the time being, I have not had any relationship problems lately because I have been so heavily involved with work and my last semester of studies. I have used this in the recent months to avoid current conflicts or problems. It has been effective thus far. However, I feel that this is a great methodical approach to problem solving. When I decide to once again join the real world, I will apply this method in reaching a mutually beneficial outcome when solving relationship problems. I think that it is important to mention be mindful of the closing thoughts of this activity. The importance of demonstrating support and encouragement for your partner, I feel this is the quintessential element of this process.
ReplyDeleteTommy Kottalis-460
Shannon Cline-460
ReplyDeleteHonor the speaker's thoughts and feelings
Explore the speaker's problem
List possible solutions
Propose a solution
Start the solution
I like this process. I tend to stay on the defense and I don't take time to Honor my husbands thoughts and feelings. I am somewhat selfish in that part because I dont take the time to ask myself what his feelings may be.
Making a list of solutions is always helpful becuase anytime you can explore a list of solutions you are more likely to come to the best one.
I think a major part of a successful relationship is haveing the ability to work through problems rather they be personal problems or relational problems.
I must say I really enjoyed this class. I really enjoyed the communication differences between people, and learning tips like these to make the communication experience better between all of us. This HELPS method epitomizes everything good about this class. I fell we all are guilty of or have been a victim of not followng these proper steps in dealing with a problem a loved one can be going through. Too often we want to pass our own judgement, or lobby for our own solutions, rather than taking the time to hear the real problem, and make a real conection.
ReplyDeleteI believe the first two steps are the biggest. By honoring and exploring the problem and needs of someone I agree no matter what the outcome as Fujishin said " you have demonstrated your support and encouragement to your partner", anything else is gravy!
I really am going to try and implement this and I'm going to try and teach my parnets this as well. Too often my Dad will jump in and create solutions, and my Mom will sometime skip the Honor and explore part as well. If anyone needs something from the other, you can count on someone in my family attempting to help, its just sometimes our family neglects one or five of these HELPS steps. I think I'm good at the first too,but I rarely folow up with good solutions. I'll either just try to comfort the person through it or take it entirely upon myself to fix it. Often times it's the former so I need some improvement in this as well.
That being said I unfortunately have had some computer issues this weekend and missed the last the discussion board. I would just like to end saying I really enjoyed this class, and hearing from all of you guys. I especially liked hearing from the married folks, as your perspective was certainly different than a young college kid in some ways, and very similiar in others. Hope everyone had a great Easter, be well, and God Bless.
Nick Valvano 315-50