Become An Asker of Questions

As a relational partner, it is important that you support your important person as they deal with their life challenges. Many times we want to jump in and offer a solution. This strategy does not lead to enhanced closeness. Instead try asking questions so your partner can arrive at their own solution--with your assistance. Fujishin has developed the HELPS method (he likes acronyms!):

Honor the speaker's thoughts and feelings
Explore the speaker's problem
List possible solutions
Propose a solution
Start the solution

Step 1: honor what your important person is feeling and experiencing. Validate their experience rather than belittling it. Try not to judge or change their feelings.

Step 2: Help them explore the problem. You can help them analyze the problem by asking questions about it: what is the problem? how serious is it? whom does it affect? what are the causes? what actions or solutions have already been attempted? what will happen if the problem isn't solved? These questions are designed to benefit your partner, not just satisfy your curiosity. Ask probing questions that will focus your partner on exploring the problem.

Step 3: List possible solutions. Brainstorm with your partner. Be positive and encouraging because they might not believe a solution exists. It's okay--even desirable--to get creative here.

Step 4: Propose a solution. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the possible solutions. Identify a possible solution and ask your partner if they are willing to give that one a try.

Step 5: Take action. Help your partner figure out how to implement the desired solution. If the solution involves a difficult conversation, role play it with them.

My hope is that the solution will be implemented and the problem solved. But, even if that is not the outcome of this process, you have demonstrated your support and encouragement to your partner. That is invaluable and will serve to strengthen your relationship!

Emotional Literacy

How good are you at expressing your feelings? Do you often feel at a loss for words to describe what you are feeling (to another person or to yourself). Part of being an emotionally healthy person is to have the vocabulary for talking about feelings. If we don't have the vocabulary, we will live in an emotionally stunted world.

So...make a list of all of the feeling words you can think of--and ask others to contribute to your list. Then, incorporate those words into your talk. Have fun with this. Hang the list on the refrigerator. If you have children, start developing their feeling vocabulary.

When you post, discuss this idea of emotional vocabulary and offer a few new words to our other commenters.