When we are trying to connect with a beloved, there are 4 fundamental desires. Fujishin outlines the LINK attitude for connection:
Listen
Invite
Notice
Know
Listening is the first duty of connection; really being open to understanding the thoughts and feelings of the other.
Inviting involves wanting others to open up to us so their feelings, dreams, thoughts and hurts can be shared.
Noticing involves paying attention to the other person.
Knowing involves a strong desire to get to know the other person: their interests, history, fears, and dreams.
In future posts, we will address these desires individually!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
How Flexible Are You?
Healthy Relationship Principle #4: Relationships require flexibility.
Relationships are in a constant state of change. No healthy relationship stays the same forever. Forces from outside the relationship as well as forces within the relationship keep it in a state of flux. Individuals change (look at how you've transformed over the years) and situations change (especially in our age of technology and mobility).
Your willingness to adapt to these changes as an individual and as a relational partner are key to maintaining a healthy relationship with a beloved. A relationship needs room to grow and adjust. Change is not always a bad thing! Talking with your partner about this issue helps to ease the fears associated with change. Reassuring each other that in spite of the changes, your commitment remains constant will facilitate change and growth.
Lao-tzu, a famous Chinese philosopher said:
A tree that is unbending is easily broken
The hard and strong will fall
The soft and weak will overcome.
Or, as a not so famous professor of communication (that's me), says to her children
Flexibility is the key to a happy and successful life!
So...how flexible are you in the face of change???
Relationships are in a constant state of change. No healthy relationship stays the same forever. Forces from outside the relationship as well as forces within the relationship keep it in a state of flux. Individuals change (look at how you've transformed over the years) and situations change (especially in our age of technology and mobility).
Your willingness to adapt to these changes as an individual and as a relational partner are key to maintaining a healthy relationship with a beloved. A relationship needs room to grow and adjust. Change is not always a bad thing! Talking with your partner about this issue helps to ease the fears associated with change. Reassuring each other that in spite of the changes, your commitment remains constant will facilitate change and growth.
Lao-tzu, a famous Chinese philosopher said:
A tree that is unbending is easily broken
The hard and strong will fall
The soft and weak will overcome.
Or, as a not so famous professor of communication (that's me), says to her children
Flexibility is the key to a happy and successful life!
So...how flexible are you in the face of change???
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Do You Have A Wilty Relationship?
Healthy Relationship Principle #3: Relationships Will Die If Not Nutured.
Relationships require constant tending, just like growing a garden does (I have spring fever, so we will go with this metaphor). What happens when a garden is neglected? It gets weedy, wilty, buggy, and eventually dies. Relationships, just like gardens, are living things. They need attention, time, and support to thrive. In short, they require your active participation in order to thrive.
Fujishin is not just talking about romantic relationships. Every type of relationship needs to be nurtured. Research shows that the most likely reason that friendships end is because the friends just drifted away. Family relationships may be taken for granted and ignored. My littlest girl said a very negative thing to her sister recently. When I talked with her about the impact of that on her sister, stating that her sister might not want to be around her if the negativity continued, Leah said: "She's my sister. She has to be around me." "Not necessarily", I replied, "You need to treat her with respect and love because she is your sister and is special to you. Being your sister does not give you license to treat her badly and expect she will just take it."
What can you do if you are engaged in a relationship that is headed to the morgue?
Talk with each other about how to fix it. Listen to each other's needs. Plan ways to revive it through shared activities or communication. Support each other's dreams and passions. Create rituals to do with each other. Give each other the gift of time. And then stick with the plan you create.
Relationships require constant tending, just like growing a garden does (I have spring fever, so we will go with this metaphor). What happens when a garden is neglected? It gets weedy, wilty, buggy, and eventually dies. Relationships, just like gardens, are living things. They need attention, time, and support to thrive. In short, they require your active participation in order to thrive.
Fujishin is not just talking about romantic relationships. Every type of relationship needs to be nurtured. Research shows that the most likely reason that friendships end is because the friends just drifted away. Family relationships may be taken for granted and ignored. My littlest girl said a very negative thing to her sister recently. When I talked with her about the impact of that on her sister, stating that her sister might not want to be around her if the negativity continued, Leah said: "She's my sister. She has to be around me." "Not necessarily", I replied, "You need to treat her with respect and love because she is your sister and is special to you. Being your sister does not give you license to treat her badly and expect she will just take it."
What can you do if you are engaged in a relationship that is headed to the morgue?
Talk with each other about how to fix it. Listen to each other's needs. Plan ways to revive it through shared activities or communication. Support each other's dreams and passions. Create rituals to do with each other. Give each other the gift of time. And then stick with the plan you create.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Stop Expecting Too Much!
Here's Fujishin's Healthy Relationships Principle #2:
Relationships Do Not Give You Everything.
It is a myth to believe that a relationship will give you everything you need to be happy and satisfy all of your needs. That's too much of a burden to put on one relationship. Humans are complicated beings and have a diverse range of interests and activities. As a result, we need a diverse array of relationships to fulfill our social needs.
Research shows that when we enter a romantic relationship, we tend to spend less time with our friends (women do this far more than men). In other words, our social lives shrink as a result of having a romantic partner. My research with people who are friends with the opposite sex shows that cross-sex friendships end because of jealousy and insecurity on the part of romantic partners. Yet, my research participants said the reason they had this friendship is because their romantic partner didn't share an interest in an activity that was important to them, such as music or sports or social activism.
How do you feel when your special person engages in a social life separate from you? What expectations do you have for your special person in terms of fulfilling your needs? What activities or interests have you put on hold because your special person was insecure (and vice versa)?
Relationships Do Not Give You Everything.
It is a myth to believe that a relationship will give you everything you need to be happy and satisfy all of your needs. That's too much of a burden to put on one relationship. Humans are complicated beings and have a diverse range of interests and activities. As a result, we need a diverse array of relationships to fulfill our social needs.
Research shows that when we enter a romantic relationship, we tend to spend less time with our friends (women do this far more than men). In other words, our social lives shrink as a result of having a romantic partner. My research with people who are friends with the opposite sex shows that cross-sex friendships end because of jealousy and insecurity on the part of romantic partners. Yet, my research participants said the reason they had this friendship is because their romantic partner didn't share an interest in an activity that was important to them, such as music or sports or social activism.
How do you feel when your special person engages in a social life separate from you? What expectations do you have for your special person in terms of fulfilling your needs? What activities or interests have you put on hold because your special person was insecure (and vice versa)?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
NewsFlash: Relationships Are Not Perfect!
For the next few posts, I will review Fujishin's Principles of Healthy Relationships.
#1 Relationships are not perfect.
Often, we have an idealized notion of relationships in our heads. We expect love, laughter, and no conflict at all times. The truth is no relationship reaches that ideal. Instead, relationships can be a bit messy at times. Fujishin believes in his 80/20 rule for relationships. At any given time, 80 percent of the relationship is working and only 20 percent of the relationship is not.
Many times, we direct our focus to the 20 percent that isn't working instead of emphasizing the parts that are working. If we focus on the negative, it will enlarge in our minds. Similarly, if we focus on the positive, it too will enlarge. Relationship partners can still keep working on overcoming the negatives while focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Try it for awhile--focus on your relational partner's loyalty, sense of humor, generosity, helpfulness, etc. etc. Notice that and tell them how much you appreciate these aspects of their personality and your jointly-constructed relationship.
#1 Relationships are not perfect.
Often, we have an idealized notion of relationships in our heads. We expect love, laughter, and no conflict at all times. The truth is no relationship reaches that ideal. Instead, relationships can be a bit messy at times. Fujishin believes in his 80/20 rule for relationships. At any given time, 80 percent of the relationship is working and only 20 percent of the relationship is not.
Many times, we direct our focus to the 20 percent that isn't working instead of emphasizing the parts that are working. If we focus on the negative, it will enlarge in our minds. Similarly, if we focus on the positive, it too will enlarge. Relationship partners can still keep working on overcoming the negatives while focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Try it for awhile--focus on your relational partner's loyalty, sense of humor, generosity, helpfulness, etc. etc. Notice that and tell them how much you appreciate these aspects of their personality and your jointly-constructed relationship.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Become a Giver
How do you view your role in your intimate relationships? Are you a giver or a taker? Randy Fujishin, the author of Gifts From The Heart: 10 Ways to Build More Loving Relationships, believes that shifting your focus from self to other is the fundamental attitude required to establish loving relationships in your life.
What are the small ways you can give to your loved ones (and I'm not talking about the gifts you can purchase--although those are nice to receive and to give at times!)? The gifts Fujishin lists include: accepting others, communicating to connect with others, listening, accepting others, forgiving, asking questions, flowing with conflict at times, enlarging others, showing you care (remember Love is a Verb), and encouraging others to grow.
Without you deciding to become a giver in your relationships, the chances of you deepening and connecting with others is limited. Giving is a choice. If you feel ambivalent about making this decision, honor that your intuition might be telling you this person is not the correct person with whom to try to build a mutually giving relationship. The best relationships are those where both partners are making the choice to become givers.
But, there might be other factors holding you back from becoming a giver. Explore these with the following questions:
What are the benefits of your relationship with this person?
What specific gifts does he/she give you?
What do you think would happen if you decide to give him or her these gifts?
What do you think would happen if you decide to NOT give him or her these gifts?
What influences from your past relationships are in play here?
Let me be clear: I am not advocating becoming a giver in relationships that are abusive. If you are in such a relationship: leave rather than stay and take your honor with you rather than give it away.
In future posts, we will explore the basic principles of healthy relationships and how to hone our skills of giving.
What are the small ways you can give to your loved ones (and I'm not talking about the gifts you can purchase--although those are nice to receive and to give at times!)? The gifts Fujishin lists include: accepting others, communicating to connect with others, listening, accepting others, forgiving, asking questions, flowing with conflict at times, enlarging others, showing you care (remember Love is a Verb), and encouraging others to grow.
Without you deciding to become a giver in your relationships, the chances of you deepening and connecting with others is limited. Giving is a choice. If you feel ambivalent about making this decision, honor that your intuition might be telling you this person is not the correct person with whom to try to build a mutually giving relationship. The best relationships are those where both partners are making the choice to become givers.
But, there might be other factors holding you back from becoming a giver. Explore these with the following questions:
What are the benefits of your relationship with this person?
What specific gifts does he/she give you?
What do you think would happen if you decide to give him or her these gifts?
What do you think would happen if you decide to NOT give him or her these gifts?
What influences from your past relationships are in play here?
Let me be clear: I am not advocating becoming a giver in relationships that are abusive. If you are in such a relationship: leave rather than stay and take your honor with you rather than give it away.
In future posts, we will explore the basic principles of healthy relationships and how to hone our skills of giving.
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