During the last few weeks, I've summarized the 9 choices happy people make in their lives. If you want to view the model in its entirety, visit the website of Foster & Hicks, the authors of How We Choose To Be Happy here.
In the last chapter, the authors discuss the importance of synergy in their model of happiness. All of the 9 choices in the model work together to produce a system that is in balance. This system is not stagnant, but is continually adjusting to internal and external forces. The system doesn't stay in balance if one of the choices is inactive.
I liken this balancing act as walking on a balance beam. As I (the system) move forward on the beam, I wiggle to the left and then list to the right while trying to stay in a state of balance on the beam. If adjustments aren't made correctly as the system balances, we risk falling off the beam altogether. The result of falling off the beam is called homeostasis, which is defined as the process of righting a system that has gotten out of balance.
This analogy works for the Happiness Model, but it also works for any social system of which you are a part. A system out of balance does not function (which is why we call some families or relationships "dys-functional"--they are systems out of whack). Think about times when your "system" fell off the balance beam and went through the process of homeostasis. The process can be quite painful and confusing, but holds the potential for transformation of the system.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Be True To Yourself
The final component of Foster and Hick's happiness model is truthfulness. Happy people choose to be honest with themselves--they forge an internal contract with themselves to live and speak their "truth".
It is not always easy to tell the truth to ourselves. But if we don't, we risk living an inauthentic life. The important people in our lives might not want to hear our truth--particularly if we entered into the relationship not telling the truth about who we are. Truth-telling requires us to learn our truth and to then speak it in kind and compassionate ways.
Sit down with paper and pencil and write the following sentences: "I pretend that _______." The truth is________" Keep repeating this as issues or ideas come to mind. Through this exercise, deeply held secrets are allowed to emerge. Maybe you pretend that you have a close relationship with a family member. But,the truth is that she doesn't really don't know much about you because you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with her.
Many of us live our lives with a long list of "shoulds". The shoulds are given to us by our family as we grow up, our peer group, teachers, our society, the media, religion, and politics. Peeling off the "shoulds" you live by and discovering the truth of who you really are is a sometimes long process. When you begin to speak your truth, make sure you do not judge others. Simply speak from your point of view about what is important to you. In the words of the Dhammapada (from the "True Master") are the "rules of engagement" when speaking your truth:
He offends no one.
Yet he speaks the truth.
His words are clear.
But never harsh.
It is not always easy to tell the truth to ourselves. But if we don't, we risk living an inauthentic life. The important people in our lives might not want to hear our truth--particularly if we entered into the relationship not telling the truth about who we are. Truth-telling requires us to learn our truth and to then speak it in kind and compassionate ways.
Sit down with paper and pencil and write the following sentences: "I pretend that _______." The truth is________" Keep repeating this as issues or ideas come to mind. Through this exercise, deeply held secrets are allowed to emerge. Maybe you pretend that you have a close relationship with a family member. But,the truth is that she doesn't really don't know much about you because you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with her.
Many of us live our lives with a long list of "shoulds". The shoulds are given to us by our family as we grow up, our peer group, teachers, our society, the media, religion, and politics. Peeling off the "shoulds" you live by and discovering the truth of who you really are is a sometimes long process. When you begin to speak your truth, make sure you do not judge others. Simply speak from your point of view about what is important to you. In the words of the Dhammapada (from the "True Master") are the "rules of engagement" when speaking your truth:
He offends no one.
Yet he speaks the truth.
His words are clear.
But never harsh.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Key To Happiness--Giving To Others
Generosity is the key to living a happy life. We all have gifts to share with others--mentoring, sharing our life experiences, providing manual labor, or donating money. These gifts do not have to be large in nature. Often the smallest of gifts make the most difference in the lives of people who are struggling.
Foster & Hicks found a few shared characteristics among their happy people: 1) they don't expect a return for giving to others; 2) their gifts were usually not material in nature--they gave of themselves; 3) it was a gift from their heart and not a result of guilt; and 4) they understand that the real benefits of giving come to the giver and not the receiver.
What ways do you or could you give to others? What prevents you from giving if you don't already? President Obama has launched a website, www.usaservice.org, where you can locate volunteer opportunities in your community. Check it out--you might find the perfect place to share your talents with those less fortunate than yourself.
Foster & Hicks found a few shared characteristics among their happy people: 1) they don't expect a return for giving to others; 2) their gifts were usually not material in nature--they gave of themselves; 3) it was a gift from their heart and not a result of guilt; and 4) they understand that the real benefits of giving come to the giver and not the receiver.
What ways do you or could you give to others? What prevents you from giving if you don't already? President Obama has launched a website, www.usaservice.org, where you can locate volunteer opportunities in your community. Check it out--you might find the perfect place to share your talents with those less fortunate than yourself.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Appreciation For What You've Got!
No experience is ever entirely good or entirely bad. Instead, experiences are a mixed bag. So...happy people train themselves to be grateful in any given moment. To feel appreciative means that you have to quiet your brain down and become aware of what's going on.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I get what I call "crazy brain". All the things that bring chaos into my brain come rushing in. I've learned a trick to deal with this: I force myself to think of all the things I can be grateful for at the moment: a warm blanket, the soft night sounds of the country, my children tucked into their beds in the adjoining room, the dog snoring beside me... Soon, my brain crazies disappear and I can go back to sleep.
It's good practice to express appreciation for the people in your life too. And, don't forget showing appreciation for yourself as well!
How often do you inventory the number of things you are grateful for in your life? Expressing appreciation helps you to focus on the positive aspects of your life rather than the negative. In this way, practicing daily appreciation can transform the way you think and feel about your life.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I get what I call "crazy brain". All the things that bring chaos into my brain come rushing in. I've learned a trick to deal with this: I force myself to think of all the things I can be grateful for at the moment: a warm blanket, the soft night sounds of the country, my children tucked into their beds in the adjoining room, the dog snoring beside me... Soon, my brain crazies disappear and I can go back to sleep.
It's good practice to express appreciation for the people in your life too. And, don't forget showing appreciation for yourself as well!
How often do you inventory the number of things you are grateful for in your life? Expressing appreciation helps you to focus on the positive aspects of your life rather than the negative. In this way, practicing daily appreciation can transform the way you think and feel about your life.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
When Things Go Wrong--Recasting
How do you respond when life deals you a challenge? What do you do with the pain associated with hurt, loss, and stress? Hicks and Foster found a surprising answer to this question when they interviewed happy people:
Happy people engaged in what the authors term Recasting. Recasting happens in 2 phases: 1) happy people dive into the negative experience and allow themselves to feel the dark emotions deeply; 2) they begin to transform their emotions into new reactions and emotions.
By confronting and honoring our negative emotions we can move through them instead of getting "stuck". Our emotions can block the energy that courses through our bodies and in this way contribute to sickness and dis-ease in our physical body. Denial of our emotions is powerful, but is rooted in our fear of our emotions. We have the strength to handle these emotions--we just need to allow our strength to surface instead of running away.
Once the emotions are experienced deeply, happy people start looking for the lessons to be learned through the traumatic experience and for the deeper meaning of the experience. In this way, they become pro-active and empowered.
I study the Chinese language (which is really challenging, but rewarding). The Chinese word "crisis" is composed of two traditional characters. The first character means danger and the second character means opportunity. I think this summarizes the idea of recasting perfectly. We move through the danger/fear/dark emotions and we realize opportunity is presented by the situation.
Recasting requires effort and energy, but ultimately it requires less energy and has far different consequences than denying emotions or getting stuck in a negative situation. With practice, recasting becomes easier to do. Remember, recasting takes time and patience--it is not a quick fix to a problem.
Sometimes when I am feeling most fearful, I find it helpful to write down exactly what is making me afraid. Then I allow myself to really experience the fear. Next, I start writing what would allow me to cope with the fear-producing situation better. Finally, I develop a mini-action plan that I can start enacting immediately.
I encourage you to try this when you face a challenge...
Happy people engaged in what the authors term Recasting. Recasting happens in 2 phases: 1) happy people dive into the negative experience and allow themselves to feel the dark emotions deeply; 2) they begin to transform their emotions into new reactions and emotions.
By confronting and honoring our negative emotions we can move through them instead of getting "stuck". Our emotions can block the energy that courses through our bodies and in this way contribute to sickness and dis-ease in our physical body. Denial of our emotions is powerful, but is rooted in our fear of our emotions. We have the strength to handle these emotions--we just need to allow our strength to surface instead of running away.
Once the emotions are experienced deeply, happy people start looking for the lessons to be learned through the traumatic experience and for the deeper meaning of the experience. In this way, they become pro-active and empowered.
I study the Chinese language (which is really challenging, but rewarding). The Chinese word "crisis" is composed of two traditional characters. The first character means danger and the second character means opportunity. I think this summarizes the idea of recasting perfectly. We move through the danger/fear/dark emotions and we realize opportunity is presented by the situation.
Recasting requires effort and energy, but ultimately it requires less energy and has far different consequences than denying emotions or getting stuck in a negative situation. With practice, recasting becomes easier to do. Remember, recasting takes time and patience--it is not a quick fix to a problem.
Sometimes when I am feeling most fearful, I find it helpful to write down exactly what is making me afraid. Then I allow myself to really experience the fear. Next, I start writing what would allow me to cope with the fear-producing situation better. Finally, I develop a mini-action plan that I can start enacting immediately.
I encourage you to try this when you face a challenge...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Putting Your Dream List into Action--Centrality
You've made your list of the people/things/activities that make you happy--now what? Foster & Hicks noticed something very important in their interviews with happy people: happy people make central to their lives that which brings them the greatest joy!
Sounds easy and like the smart thing to do, doesn't it? It is the smart thing to do, but oftentimes it isn't the easy thing to do. At times in our lives (or all the times in our lives) our life gets in the way of our happiness. Yes, we have responsibilities: raising children, earning a living, going to school, family obligations, cleaning the house (does anyone have the time to do that anymore?). At the end of the day, we collapse from the exhaustion of maintaining our daily responsibilities. So, where's the joy?
Happy people take one item from their Dream List and do it each day. Simple things that with just a little push can be incorporated in your day, such as: calling up a friend to say hello, making dinner with your significant person, reading a book with your children, or taking a walk. Thomas Moore, in his book entitled The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life (a good book) suggests that making the small things meaningful will bring enchantment to our everyday existence. Putting flowers on the dinner table and using the good china is one example. Really listening to someone is another.
Start with the small things on your Dream List and then move onto the big things like career, relocation, etc. The energy you will get from centralizing the items that make you happiest is amazing! So, what can you do to centralize the items on your List?
Sounds easy and like the smart thing to do, doesn't it? It is the smart thing to do, but oftentimes it isn't the easy thing to do. At times in our lives (or all the times in our lives) our life gets in the way of our happiness. Yes, we have responsibilities: raising children, earning a living, going to school, family obligations, cleaning the house (does anyone have the time to do that anymore?). At the end of the day, we collapse from the exhaustion of maintaining our daily responsibilities. So, where's the joy?
Happy people take one item from their Dream List and do it each day. Simple things that with just a little push can be incorporated in your day, such as: calling up a friend to say hello, making dinner with your significant person, reading a book with your children, or taking a walk. Thomas Moore, in his book entitled The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life (a good book) suggests that making the small things meaningful will bring enchantment to our everyday existence. Putting flowers on the dinner table and using the good china is one example. Really listening to someone is another.
Start with the small things on your Dream List and then move onto the big things like career, relocation, etc. The energy you will get from centralizing the items that make you happiest is amazing! So, what can you do to centralize the items on your List?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Beyond Accountability--Identification
My sense of happiness is not the same as yours.
We must decide for ourselves what makes us happy. Hicks & Foster call this process Identification. Identification requires that we hold ourselves in high enough esteem to really dig into our unique dreams, goals, interests, and passions. Identification is a highly self-affirming act!
But, it requires time and courage to identify what makes us happy. Time because we often just run through life rather than sitting, being quiet, and writing down our thoughts. A one-time sit-down session isn't enough--identification should become a continuous process in your life. Courage because our notion of what brings us happiness may conflict with the desires and goals our significant others have for us! In addition, identification requires that you put YOURSELF out there (not the you that plays the roles others have created for us).
So, here's an exercise to get you started (if you don't engage in identification already):
Go to a quiet and comfortable place with a timer, paper and pencil in hand. Write down how you are feeling. Now, set the timer for 4 minutes. During that 4 minutes, make a list of everything that makes you happy. No Judging Allowed! When the timer goes off, stop writing. Look over your list: how does it make you feel? Do you feel surprised? Frustrated? Sad? Exhilarated?
How much of the list reflects who you really are at this point in time? How much reflects what you've been told to enjoy/want?
My next post will deal with implementing your list!
We must decide for ourselves what makes us happy. Hicks & Foster call this process Identification. Identification requires that we hold ourselves in high enough esteem to really dig into our unique dreams, goals, interests, and passions. Identification is a highly self-affirming act!
But, it requires time and courage to identify what makes us happy. Time because we often just run through life rather than sitting, being quiet, and writing down our thoughts. A one-time sit-down session isn't enough--identification should become a continuous process in your life. Courage because our notion of what brings us happiness may conflict with the desires and goals our significant others have for us! In addition, identification requires that you put YOURSELF out there (not the you that plays the roles others have created for us).
So, here's an exercise to get you started (if you don't engage in identification already):
Go to a quiet and comfortable place with a timer, paper and pencil in hand. Write down how you are feeling. Now, set the timer for 4 minutes. During that 4 minutes, make a list of everything that makes you happy. No Judging Allowed! When the timer goes off, stop writing. Look over your list: how does it make you feel? Do you feel surprised? Frustrated? Sad? Exhilarated?
How much of the list reflects who you really are at this point in time? How much reflects what you've been told to enjoy/want?
My next post will deal with implementing your list!
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