Last week, we examined the first part of being happy--holding the intention to be happy in situations. This week, we turn our attention to accountability. Happy people hold themselves accountable for their own happiness. In other words, they are determined to take full control of their lives. They honor their right to create for themselves a rich, full, and happy life. The "buck" stops with them!
Happy people don't see themselves as victims. Instead, they see themselves as creative problem-solvers--in any situation. And they don't play the blame game. They don't blame other people or circumstances or themselves for what is happening in their lives. Blaming is a destructive thing to do to yourself or to other people. However, not practicing self-blame doesn't mean that you are off the hook. You hold yourself accountable by asking a simple, yet powerful question: What's my part in this? By asking that question, you are embarking on a path of change; a path that changes the only thing you can change: YOURSELF.
One of the happy people Foster & Hicks' interviewed for their book described their reaction to negative life situations in the following way:
"If you can bear a horribly mixed metaphor, I'd say that I step up to the plate, rise above the fray and bite the bullet, at which point I seek out a new broom, and taking the bull by the horns, I then play the cards I'm dealt--without crying over spilt milk" (p.45)
That is a wonderful way to describe accountability!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Do You Choose To Be Happy?
In a post last week, I presented a model of the Self as one who makes choices about attitudes, emotions, and behaviors. A wonderful book, entitled How We Choose To Be Happy by Foster & Hicks, documents the choices happy people make in the face of often difficult life circumstances.
The authors interviewed hundreds of "happy people" in order to figure out what made them happy. From that interview data, the authors developed a happiness model. The first component of the model is Intention. The key question happy people ask (and answer) is this: What attitude will best enhance the quality of the experience right now? Asking this question gives us the opportunity to move from negative to positive feelings. It is an important question because it makes us pause and reflect on how we are feeling and how we want to feel. Once the desired feelings are discovered, we can choose to approach a situation differently.
Happy people report they start their day setting their intentions. These intentions might involve small tasks and activities for the day or they might involve long-term, life-altering situations.
Make a list of your most important intentions. Some examples might be: I intend to be a loving, supportive parent; I intend to spend quality time with my romantic partner; or I intend to learn something new. At the end of each intention, write "and I intend to feel happy about it."
Now, examine your list of intentions and think about how you feel about each intention. Does it feel authentic? Does it match what I've been feeling all along? If it doesn't, why haven't you had the intention to be happy?
We will continue examining the happiness model of Foster & Hicks in the next several posts!
The authors interviewed hundreds of "happy people" in order to figure out what made them happy. From that interview data, the authors developed a happiness model. The first component of the model is Intention. The key question happy people ask (and answer) is this: What attitude will best enhance the quality of the experience right now? Asking this question gives us the opportunity to move from negative to positive feelings. It is an important question because it makes us pause and reflect on how we are feeling and how we want to feel. Once the desired feelings are discovered, we can choose to approach a situation differently.
Happy people report they start their day setting their intentions. These intentions might involve small tasks and activities for the day or they might involve long-term, life-altering situations.
Make a list of your most important intentions. Some examples might be: I intend to be a loving, supportive parent; I intend to spend quality time with my romantic partner; or I intend to learn something new. At the end of each intention, write "and I intend to feel happy about it."
Now, examine your list of intentions and think about how you feel about each intention. Does it feel authentic? Does it match what I've been feeling all along? If it doesn't, why haven't you had the intention to be happy?
We will continue examining the happiness model of Foster & Hicks in the next several posts!
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Relationship Thought on Inauguration Day
Today, I will digress from our thinking about the Self...
Our country is in the midst of a transfer of power from one administration to another. So, politics and history and change are in the minds (and talk) of many of us. However, let's put politics aside for a moment and look at the relationship between President-elect Obama and his wife.
Recently, I ran across an interesting post (click on "post" to read it) written by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, long-time marriage and family experts. The Hendricks analyze the marital relationship of the Obamas and assert the relationship can serve as a role model for the rest of the country.
Role models can teach us so much about the possibilities of relationships. We can learn how others navigate tough waters, how they build a life together that celebrates and respects both partners. This is particularly important for our young people. Unfortunately, the media and our personal life feature many broken relationships.
What qualities of the Obama relationship do you notice? What role models of healthy relationships do you have in your life?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Do You Impact Your Life Or Does Life Impact You?
Our discussion of the Self must include the way we see ourselves in relation to life. How you answer the question in this posting's title gives profound insight into how you view yourself in relations to others and your ability to instigate change in your life.
There are two schools of thought about the Self: the first sees the Self as being passive and reactive to events around us. Adherents to this point of view feel powerless in their lives and unable to affect the course of their lives. As a result, people tend to tell "rut stories" about their life. Rut stories are those that repeat the same tired themes and the same complaints.
The second sees the Self as being an active, creative choice-maker. From this point of view, any situation we are in presents us with a range of behavioral, cognitive, and emotional options. We choose our course of action, our thoughts, and our emotional response to the situation. This results in people telling "river stories" about their lives. River stories flow, are constantly changing, and are creative in nature. One wise saying is "you can't step in the same river twice."
Granted, at times our range of possible choices may seem quite limited. Or maybe we don't see other choices at the moment. However, looking for options, considering possible lines of action, and challenging yourself to think creatively reaps quite amazing results! At the very least, we can all change our thoughts in any given situation.
To which school of thought do you adhere? What stories do you tell about your life?
There are two schools of thought about the Self: the first sees the Self as being passive and reactive to events around us. Adherents to this point of view feel powerless in their lives and unable to affect the course of their lives. As a result, people tend to tell "rut stories" about their life. Rut stories are those that repeat the same tired themes and the same complaints.
The second sees the Self as being an active, creative choice-maker. From this point of view, any situation we are in presents us with a range of behavioral, cognitive, and emotional options. We choose our course of action, our thoughts, and our emotional response to the situation. This results in people telling "river stories" about their lives. River stories flow, are constantly changing, and are creative in nature. One wise saying is "you can't step in the same river twice."
Granted, at times our range of possible choices may seem quite limited. Or maybe we don't see other choices at the moment. However, looking for options, considering possible lines of action, and challenging yourself to think creatively reaps quite amazing results! At the very least, we can all change our thoughts in any given situation.
To which school of thought do you adhere? What stories do you tell about your life?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Self Talk
What do you say to your Self each day?
In an earlier post, I asserted that our definition of self is created by our interaction with others. Let me take that one step further: the things we say to OURSELVES each day that reinforce (or change) our definition of self are created and perpetuated in our communication with others. We carry the voices of our important people in our head! Some relational experts refer to this as the tape recorder in our head. We play the same messages over and over. Now, these messages may be positive in nature or they may be negative. Whatever their nature, the content and tone of these messages impact our sense of self dramatically.
I will share an example: throughout my life, my mother was very critical of my weight and other's weight, making overt comments about obesity, etc. Now, the reality is that I've been thin my entire life; not as much so since I reached my 50's! Anyway, even though the facts negate what my mother said to me, I still have to watch out for the critical messages that I carry around in my head. I've come to understand that this was my mother's issue and not mine. But even after years of work, I have to be on guard with my self talk on this issue.
The key to understanding your self talk is to pay attention to it. Take the time to write down what you are saying to yourself. Then, you can decide what needs to be edited. Create alternative messages. When you catch yourself playing that tape recorder in your head, make a mindful decision to change the message. Over time, the negative self talk will subside, but I have found old habits die hard and monitoring self talk is an on-going process.
I keep this quote on a wall in my work area. It serves as a gentle reminder.
"Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart." Kirpal Venanji
In an earlier post, I asserted that our definition of self is created by our interaction with others. Let me take that one step further: the things we say to OURSELVES each day that reinforce (or change) our definition of self are created and perpetuated in our communication with others. We carry the voices of our important people in our head! Some relational experts refer to this as the tape recorder in our head. We play the same messages over and over. Now, these messages may be positive in nature or they may be negative. Whatever their nature, the content and tone of these messages impact our sense of self dramatically.
I will share an example: throughout my life, my mother was very critical of my weight and other's weight, making overt comments about obesity, etc. Now, the reality is that I've been thin my entire life; not as much so since I reached my 50's! Anyway, even though the facts negate what my mother said to me, I still have to watch out for the critical messages that I carry around in my head. I've come to understand that this was my mother's issue and not mine. But even after years of work, I have to be on guard with my self talk on this issue.
The key to understanding your self talk is to pay attention to it. Take the time to write down what you are saying to yourself. Then, you can decide what needs to be edited. Create alternative messages. When you catch yourself playing that tape recorder in your head, make a mindful decision to change the message. Over time, the negative self talk will subside, but I have found old habits die hard and monitoring self talk is an on-going process.
I keep this quote on a wall in my work area. It serves as a gentle reminder.
"Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart." Kirpal Venanji
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Relationship Equation
Relationships are composed of "webs" of interaction--some more tangled than others!
A relationship equation must consist of various entities: each individual person + the relationship they create together + the social context in which they conduct that relationship (their work, school, community obligations, other relationships) + the cultural context (the norms or rules associated with the relationship).
Each of these entities impact the other. In other words, they are interdependent. And the entities are constantly changing--shifting in response to changes within and without the relationship.
Choose an important relationship in your life and describe the different parts that are in play, starting with you and your partner and moving up to the level of the relationship, the social network, and the culture in which you live. As a result of this exercise, I think you will begin to understand the complexities involved in relating to others.
My hope is that you will understand that relationships are complex, ever-changing, miraculous accomplishments!
A relationship equation must consist of various entities: each individual person + the relationship they create together + the social context in which they conduct that relationship (their work, school, community obligations, other relationships) + the cultural context (the norms or rules associated with the relationship).
Each of these entities impact the other. In other words, they are interdependent. And the entities are constantly changing--shifting in response to changes within and without the relationship.
Choose an important relationship in your life and describe the different parts that are in play, starting with you and your partner and moving up to the level of the relationship, the social network, and the culture in which you live. As a result of this exercise, I think you will begin to understand the complexities involved in relating to others.
My hope is that you will understand that relationships are complex, ever-changing, miraculous accomplishments!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Welcome to Mindful Relationships!
I'm really pleased to get this blog going--it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. So, in the spirit of the New Year, I did it!
What sorts of relationships will I be writing about here? Friendships, Romantic Relationships of all types, Marital Relationships, Sibling Relationships, Parent-Child Relationships--all of the people in your life who influence your everyday life and worldview the most. Research shows that the existence of these relationships in our lives impacts our quality of life and our physical well-being. If we have strong, loving relationships, we will report greater satisfaction with our lives and enhanced physical health. Of course, the down side is that if we lack these relationships, we will be more likely to experience loneliness, depression, and dis-ease.
A relationship is composed of 2 people, but the real work of relating starts with you. Becoming mindful in your relationships requires you to first examine the relationship you have with your Self. How much attention do you pay to how you communicate with your loved ones? How much do you respect You? What thinking and behavioral patterns do you bring into your relationships? We all have relationship histories: how does yours influence your current relationships?
My posts for January will focus on the Self--how we perceive ourselves, how our communication creates/recreates these perceptions, and how we can start identifying ways that we sabotage relationships from reaching their fullest potential.
Remember: gaining knowledge is the first step to transformation!
I ran across this quote today and love it:
Of all the judgments you make in life, none is as important as the one you make about yourself. The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action, between failure and success."
~Nathaniel Branden
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