Become An Asker of Questions

As a relational partner, it is important that you support your important person as they deal with their life challenges. Many times we want to jump in and offer a solution. This strategy does not lead to enhanced closeness. Instead try asking questions so your partner can arrive at their own solution--with your assistance. Fujishin has developed the HELPS method (he likes acronyms!):

Honor the speaker's thoughts and feelings
Explore the speaker's problem
List possible solutions
Propose a solution
Start the solution

Step 1: honor what your important person is feeling and experiencing. Validate their experience rather than belittling it. Try not to judge or change their feelings.

Step 2: Help them explore the problem. You can help them analyze the problem by asking questions about it: what is the problem? how serious is it? whom does it affect? what are the causes? what actions or solutions have already been attempted? what will happen if the problem isn't solved? These questions are designed to benefit your partner, not just satisfy your curiosity. Ask probing questions that will focus your partner on exploring the problem.

Step 3: List possible solutions. Brainstorm with your partner. Be positive and encouraging because they might not believe a solution exists. It's okay--even desirable--to get creative here.

Step 4: Propose a solution. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the possible solutions. Identify a possible solution and ask your partner if they are willing to give that one a try.

Step 5: Take action. Help your partner figure out how to implement the desired solution. If the solution involves a difficult conversation, role play it with them.

My hope is that the solution will be implemented and the problem solved. But, even if that is not the outcome of this process, you have demonstrated your support and encouragement to your partner. That is invaluable and will serve to strengthen your relationship!

Emotional Literacy

How good are you at expressing your feelings? Do you often feel at a loss for words to describe what you are feeling (to another person or to yourself). Part of being an emotionally healthy person is to have the vocabulary for talking about feelings. If we don't have the vocabulary, we will live in an emotionally stunted world.

So...make a list of all of the feeling words you can think of--and ask others to contribute to your list. Then, incorporate those words into your talk. Have fun with this. Hang the list on the refrigerator. If you have children, start developing their feeling vocabulary.

When you post, discuss this idea of emotional vocabulary and offer a few new words to our other commenters.

The LINK Process

When we are trying to connect with a beloved, there are 4 fundamental desires. Fujishin outlines the LINK attitude for connection:

Listen
Invite
Notice
Know

Listening is the first duty of connection; really being open to understanding the thoughts and feelings of the other.

Inviting involves wanting others to open up to us so their feelings, dreams, thoughts and hurts can be shared.

Noticing involves paying attention to the other person.

Knowing involves a strong desire to get to know the other person: their interests, history, fears, and dreams.

In future posts, we will address these desires individually!

How Flexible Are You?

Healthy Relationship Principle #4: Relationships require flexibility.

Relationships are in a constant state of change. No healthy relationship stays the same forever. Forces from outside the relationship as well as forces within the relationship keep it in a state of flux. Individuals change (look at how you've transformed over the years) and situations change (especially in our age of technology and mobility).

Your willingness to adapt to these changes as an individual and as a relational partner are key to maintaining a healthy relationship with a beloved. A relationship needs room to grow and adjust. Change is not always a bad thing! Talking with your partner about this issue helps to ease the fears associated with change. Reassuring each other that in spite of the changes, your commitment remains constant will facilitate change and growth.

Lao-tzu, a famous Chinese philosopher said:

A tree that is unbending is easily broken
The hard and strong will fall
The soft and weak will overcome.

Or, as a not so famous professor of communication (that's me), says to her children

Flexibility is the key to a happy and successful life!

So...how flexible are you in the face of change???

Do You Have A Wilty Relationship?

Healthy Relationship Principle #3: Relationships Will Die If Not Nutured.

Relationships require constant tending, just like growing a garden does (I have spring fever, so we will go with this metaphor). What happens when a garden is neglected? It gets weedy, wilty, buggy, and eventually dies. Relationships, just like gardens, are living things. They need attention, time, and support to thrive. In short, they require your active participation in order to thrive.

Fujishin is not just talking about romantic relationships. Every type of relationship needs to be nurtured. Research shows that the most likely reason that friendships end is because the friends just drifted away. Family relationships may be taken for granted and ignored. My littlest girl said a very negative thing to her sister recently. When I talked with her about the impact of that on her sister, stating that her sister might not want to be around her if the negativity continued, Leah said: "She's my sister. She has to be around me." "Not necessarily", I replied, "You need to treat her with respect and love because she is your sister and is special to you. Being your sister does not give you license to treat her badly and expect she will just take it."

What can you do if you are engaged in a relationship that is headed to the morgue?
Talk with each other about how to fix it. Listen to each other's needs. Plan ways to revive it through shared activities or communication. Support each other's dreams and passions. Create rituals to do with each other. Give each other the gift of time. And then stick with the plan you create.

Stop Expecting Too Much!

Here's Fujishin's Healthy Relationships Principle #2:

Relationships Do Not Give You Everything.

It is a myth to believe that a relationship will give you everything you need to be happy and satisfy all of your needs. That's too much of a burden to put on one relationship. Humans are complicated beings and have a diverse range of interests and activities. As a result, we need a diverse array of relationships to fulfill our social needs.

Research shows that when we enter a romantic relationship, we tend to spend less time with our friends (women do this far more than men). In other words, our social lives shrink as a result of having a romantic partner. My research with people who are friends with the opposite sex shows that cross-sex friendships end because of jealousy and insecurity on the part of romantic partners. Yet, my research participants said the reason they had this friendship is because their romantic partner didn't share an interest in an activity that was important to them, such as music or sports or social activism.

How do you feel when your special person engages in a social life separate from you? What expectations do you have for your special person in terms of fulfilling your needs? What activities or interests have you put on hold because your special person was insecure (and vice versa)?

NewsFlash: Relationships Are Not Perfect!

For the next few posts, I will review Fujishin's Principles of Healthy Relationships.

#1 Relationships are not perfect.

Often, we have an idealized notion of relationships in our heads. We expect love, laughter, and no conflict at all times. The truth is no relationship reaches that ideal. Instead, relationships can be a bit messy at times. Fujishin believes in his 80/20 rule for relationships. At any given time, 80 percent of the relationship is working and only 20 percent of the relationship is not.

Many times, we direct our focus to the 20 percent that isn't working instead of emphasizing the parts that are working. If we focus on the negative, it will enlarge in our minds. Similarly, if we focus on the positive, it too will enlarge. Relationship partners can still keep working on overcoming the negatives while focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.

Try it for awhile--focus on your relational partner's loyalty, sense of humor, generosity, helpfulness, etc. etc. Notice that and tell them how much you appreciate these aspects of their personality and your jointly-constructed relationship.

Become a Giver

How do you view your role in your intimate relationships? Are you a giver or a taker? Randy Fujishin, the author of Gifts From The Heart: 10 Ways to Build More Loving Relationships, believes that shifting your focus from self to other is the fundamental attitude required to establish loving relationships in your life.

What are the small ways you can give to your loved ones (and I'm not talking about the gifts you can purchase--although those are nice to receive and to give at times!)? The gifts Fujishin lists include: accepting others, communicating to connect with others, listening, accepting others, forgiving, asking questions, flowing with conflict at times, enlarging others, showing you care (remember Love is a Verb), and encouraging others to grow.

Without you deciding to become a giver in your relationships, the chances of you deepening and connecting with others is limited. Giving is a choice. If you feel ambivalent about making this decision, honor that your intuition might be telling you this person is not the correct person with whom to try to build a mutually giving relationship. The best relationships are those where both partners are making the choice to become givers.

But, there might be other factors holding you back from becoming a giver. Explore these with the following questions:

What are the benefits of your relationship with this person?
What specific gifts does he/she give you?
What do you think would happen if you decide to give him or her these gifts?
What do you think would happen if you decide to NOT give him or her these gifts?
What influences from your past relationships are in play here?

Let me be clear: I am not advocating becoming a giver in relationships that are abusive. If you are in such a relationship: leave rather than stay and take your honor with you rather than give it away.

In future posts, we will explore the basic principles of healthy relationships and how to hone our skills of giving.

Synergy--All Choices Work Together

During the last few weeks, I've summarized the 9 choices happy people make in their lives. If you want to view the model in its entirety, visit the website of Foster & Hicks, the authors of How We Choose To Be Happy here.

In the last chapter, the authors discuss the importance of synergy in their model of happiness. All of the 9 choices in the model work together to produce a system that is in balance. This system is not stagnant, but is continually adjusting to internal and external forces. The system doesn't stay in balance if one of the choices is inactive.

I liken this balancing act as walking on a balance beam. As I (the system) move forward on the beam, I wiggle to the left and then list to the right while trying to stay in a state of balance on the beam. If adjustments aren't made correctly as the system balances, we risk falling off the beam altogether. The result of falling off the beam is called homeostasis, which is defined as the process of righting a system that has gotten out of balance.

This analogy works for the Happiness Model, but it also works for any social system of which you are a part. A system out of balance does not function (which is why we call some families or relationships "dys-functional"--they are systems out of whack). Think about times when your "system" fell off the balance beam and went through the process of homeostasis. The process can be quite painful and confusing, but holds the potential for transformation of the system.

Be True To Yourself

The final component of Foster and Hick's happiness model is truthfulness. Happy people choose to be honest with themselves--they forge an internal contract with themselves to live and speak their "truth".

It is not always easy to tell the truth to ourselves. But if we don't, we risk living an inauthentic life. The important people in our lives might not want to hear our truth--particularly if we entered into the relationship not telling the truth about who we are. Truth-telling requires us to learn our truth and to then speak it in kind and compassionate ways.

Sit down with paper and pencil and write the following sentences: "I pretend that _______." The truth is________" Keep repeating this as issues or ideas come to mind. Through this exercise, deeply held secrets are allowed to emerge. Maybe you pretend that you have a close relationship with a family member. But,the truth is that she doesn't really don't know much about you because you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with her.

Many of us live our lives with a long list of "shoulds". The shoulds are given to us by our family as we grow up, our peer group, teachers, our society, the media, religion, and politics. Peeling off the "shoulds" you live by and discovering the truth of who you really are is a sometimes long process. When you begin to speak your truth, make sure you do not judge others. Simply speak from your point of view about what is important to you. In the words of the Dhammapada (from the "True Master") are the "rules of engagement" when speaking your truth:

He offends no one.
Yet he speaks the truth.
His words are clear.
But never harsh.

The Key To Happiness--Giving To Others

Generosity is the key to living a happy life. We all have gifts to share with others--mentoring, sharing our life experiences, providing manual labor, or donating money. These gifts do not have to be large in nature. Often the smallest of gifts make the most difference in the lives of people who are struggling.

Foster & Hicks found a few shared characteristics among their happy people: 1) they don't expect a return for giving to others; 2) their gifts were usually not material in nature--they gave of themselves; 3) it was a gift from their heart and not a result of guilt; and 4) they understand that the real benefits of giving come to the giver and not the receiver.

What ways do you or could you give to others? What prevents you from giving if you don't already? President Obama has launched a website, www.usaservice.org, where you can locate volunteer opportunities in your community. Check it out--you might find the perfect place to share your talents with those less fortunate than yourself.

Appreciation For What You've Got!

No experience is ever entirely good or entirely bad. Instead, experiences are a mixed bag. So...happy people train themselves to be grateful in any given moment. To feel appreciative means that you have to quiet your brain down and become aware of what's going on.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I get what I call "crazy brain". All the things that bring chaos into my brain come rushing in. I've learned a trick to deal with this: I force myself to think of all the things I can be grateful for at the moment: a warm blanket, the soft night sounds of the country, my children tucked into their beds in the adjoining room, the dog snoring beside me... Soon, my brain crazies disappear and I can go back to sleep.

It's good practice to express appreciation for the people in your life too. And, don't forget showing appreciation for yourself as well!

How often do you inventory the number of things you are grateful for in your life? Expressing appreciation helps you to focus on the positive aspects of your life rather than the negative. In this way, practicing daily appreciation can transform the way you think and feel about your life.

When Things Go Wrong--Recasting

How do you respond when life deals you a challenge? What do you do with the pain associated with hurt, loss, and stress? Hicks and Foster found a surprising answer to this question when they interviewed happy people:

Happy people engaged in what the authors term Recasting. Recasting happens in 2 phases: 1) happy people dive into the negative experience and allow themselves to feel the dark emotions deeply; 2) they begin to transform their emotions into new reactions and emotions.

By confronting and honoring our negative emotions we can move through them instead of getting "stuck". Our emotions can block the energy that courses through our bodies and in this way contribute to sickness and dis-ease in our physical body. Denial of our emotions is powerful, but is rooted in our fear of our emotions. We have the strength to handle these emotions--we just need to allow our strength to surface instead of running away.

Once the emotions are experienced deeply, happy people start looking for the lessons to be learned through the traumatic experience and for the deeper meaning of the experience. In this way, they become pro-active and empowered.

I study the Chinese language (which is really challenging, but rewarding). The Chinese word "crisis" is composed of two traditional characters. The first character means danger and the second character means opportunity. I think this summarizes the idea of recasting perfectly. We move through the danger/fear/dark emotions and we realize opportunity is presented by the situation.

Recasting requires effort and energy, but ultimately it requires less energy and has far different consequences than denying emotions or getting stuck in a negative situation. With practice, recasting becomes easier to do. Remember, recasting takes time and patience--it is not a quick fix to a problem.

Sometimes when I am feeling most fearful, I find it helpful to write down exactly what is making me afraid. Then I allow myself to really experience the fear. Next, I start writing what would allow me to cope with the fear-producing situation better. Finally, I develop a mini-action plan that I can start enacting immediately.

I encourage you to try this when you face a challenge...

Putting Your Dream List into Action--Centrality

You've made your list of the people/things/activities that make you happy--now what? Foster & Hicks noticed something very important in their interviews with happy people: happy people make central to their lives that which brings them the greatest joy!

Sounds easy and like the smart thing to do, doesn't it? It is the smart thing to do, but oftentimes it isn't the easy thing to do. At times in our lives (or all the times in our lives) our life gets in the way of our happiness. Yes, we have responsibilities: raising children, earning a living, going to school, family obligations, cleaning the house (does anyone have the time to do that anymore?). At the end of the day, we collapse from the exhaustion of maintaining our daily responsibilities. So, where's the joy?

Happy people take one item from their Dream List and do it each day. Simple things that with just a little push can be incorporated in your day, such as: calling up a friend to say hello, making dinner with your significant person, reading a book with your children, or taking a walk. Thomas Moore, in his book entitled The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life (a good book) suggests that making the small things meaningful will bring enchantment to our everyday existence. Putting flowers on the dinner table and using the good china is one example. Really listening to someone is another.

Start with the small things on your Dream List and then move onto the big things like career, relocation, etc. The energy you will get from centralizing the items that make you happiest is amazing! So, what can you do to centralize the items on your List?

Beyond Accountability--Identification

My sense of happiness is not the same as yours.

We must decide for ourselves what makes us happy. Hicks & Foster call this process Identification. Identification requires that we hold ourselves in high enough esteem to really dig into our unique dreams, goals, interests, and passions. Identification is a highly self-affirming act!

But, it requires time and courage to identify what makes us happy. Time because we often just run through life rather than sitting, being quiet, and writing down our thoughts. A one-time sit-down session isn't enough--identification should become a continuous process in your life. Courage because our notion of what brings us happiness may conflict with the desires and goals our significant others have for us! In addition, identification requires that you put YOURSELF out there (not the you that plays the roles others have created for us).

So, here's an exercise to get you started (if you don't engage in identification already):

Go to a quiet and comfortable place with a timer, paper and pencil in hand. Write down how you are feeling. Now, set the timer for 4 minutes. During that 4 minutes, make a list of everything that makes you happy. No Judging Allowed! When the timer goes off, stop writing. Look over your list: how does it make you feel? Do you feel surprised? Frustrated? Sad? Exhilarated?

How much of the list reflects who you really are at this point in time? How much reflects what you've been told to enjoy/want?

My next post will deal with implementing your list!

Accountability--The Second Component of Happiness

Last week, we examined the first part of being happy--holding the intention to be happy in situations. This week, we turn our attention to accountability. Happy people hold themselves accountable for their own happiness. In other words, they are determined to take full control of their lives. They honor their right to create for themselves a rich, full, and happy life. The "buck" stops with them!

Happy people don't see themselves as victims. Instead, they see themselves as creative problem-solvers--in any situation. And they don't play the blame game. They don't blame other people or circumstances or themselves for what is happening in their lives. Blaming is a destructive thing to do to yourself or to other people. However, not practicing self-blame doesn't mean that you are off the hook. You hold yourself accountable by asking a simple, yet powerful question: What's my part in this? By asking that question, you are embarking on a path of change; a path that changes the only thing you can change: YOURSELF.

One of the happy people Foster & Hicks' interviewed for their book described their reaction to negative life situations in the following way:

"If you can bear a horribly mixed metaphor, I'd say that I step up to the plate, rise above the fray and bite the bullet, at which point I seek out a new broom, and taking the bull by the horns, I then play the cards I'm dealt--without crying over spilt milk" (p.45)

That is a wonderful way to describe accountability!

Do You Choose To Be Happy?

In a post last week, I presented a model of the Self as one who makes choices about attitudes, emotions, and behaviors. A wonderful book, entitled How We Choose To Be Happy by Foster & Hicks, documents the choices happy people make in the face of often difficult life circumstances.

The authors interviewed hundreds of "happy people" in order to figure out what made them happy. From that interview data, the authors developed a happiness model. The first component of the model is Intention. The key question happy people ask (and answer) is this: What attitude will best enhance the quality of the experience right now? Asking this question gives us the opportunity to move from negative to positive feelings. It is an important question because it makes us pause and reflect on how we are feeling and how we want to feel. Once the desired feelings are discovered, we can choose to approach a situation differently.

Happy people report they start their day setting their intentions. These intentions might involve small tasks and activities for the day or they might involve long-term, life-altering situations.

Make a list of your most important intentions. Some examples might be: I intend to be a loving, supportive parent; I intend to spend quality time with my romantic partner; or I intend to learn something new. At the end of each intention, write "and I intend to feel happy about it."

Now, examine your list of intentions and think about how you feel about each intention. Does it feel authentic? Does it match what I've been feeling all along? If it doesn't, why haven't you had the intention to be happy?

We will continue examining the happiness model of Foster & Hicks in the next several posts!

A Relationship Thought on Inauguration Day

Today, I will digress from our thinking about the Self...

Our country is in the midst of a transfer of power from one administration to another. So, politics and history and change are in the minds (and talk) of many of us. However, let's put politics aside for a moment and look at the relationship between President-elect Obama and his wife.

Recently, I ran across an interesting post (click on "post" to read it) written by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, long-time marriage and family experts. The Hendricks analyze the marital relationship of the Obamas and assert the relationship can serve as a role model for the rest of the country.

Role models can teach us so much about the possibilities of relationships. We can learn how others navigate tough waters, how they build a life together that celebrates and respects both partners. This is particularly important for our young people. Unfortunately, the media and our personal life feature many broken relationships.

What qualities of the Obama relationship do you notice? What role models of healthy relationships do you have in your life?

Do You Impact Your Life Or Does Life Impact You?

Our discussion of the Self must include the way we see ourselves in relation to life. How you answer the question in this posting's title gives profound insight into how you view yourself in relations to others and your ability to instigate change in your life.

There are two schools of thought about the Self: the first sees the Self as being passive and reactive to events around us. Adherents to this point of view feel powerless in their lives and unable to affect the course of their lives. As a result, people tend to tell "rut stories" about their life. Rut stories are those that repeat the same tired themes and the same complaints.

The second sees the Self as being an active, creative choice-maker. From this point of view, any situation we are in presents us with a range of behavioral, cognitive, and emotional options. We choose our course of action, our thoughts, and our emotional response to the situation. This results in people telling "river stories" about their lives. River stories flow, are constantly changing, and are creative in nature. One wise saying is "you can't step in the same river twice."

Granted, at times our range of possible choices may seem quite limited. Or maybe we don't see other choices at the moment. However, looking for options, considering possible lines of action, and challenging yourself to think creatively reaps quite amazing results! At the very least, we can all change our thoughts in any given situation.

To which school of thought do you adhere? What stories do you tell about your life?

Self Talk

What do you say to your Self each day?

In an earlier post, I asserted that our definition of self is created by our interaction with others. Let me take that one step further: the things we say to OURSELVES each day that reinforce (or change) our definition of self are created and perpetuated in our communication with others. We carry the voices of our important people in our head! Some relational experts refer to this as the tape recorder in our head. We play the same messages over and over. Now, these messages may be positive in nature or they may be negative. Whatever their nature, the content and tone of these messages impact our sense of self dramatically.

I will share an example: throughout my life, my mother was very critical of my weight and other's weight, making overt comments about obesity, etc. Now, the reality is that I've been thin my entire life; not as much so since I reached my 50's! Anyway, even though the facts negate what my mother said to me, I still have to watch out for the critical messages that I carry around in my head. I've come to understand that this was my mother's issue and not mine. But even after years of work, I have to be on guard with my self talk on this issue.

The key to understanding your self talk is to pay attention to it. Take the time to write down what you are saying to yourself. Then, you can decide what needs to be edited. Create alternative messages. When you catch yourself playing that tape recorder in your head, make a mindful decision to change the message. Over time, the negative self talk will subside, but I have found old habits die hard and monitoring self talk is an on-going process.

I keep this quote on a wall in my work area. It serves as a gentle reminder.

"Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart." Kirpal Venanji

The Relationship Equation

Relationships are composed of "webs" of interaction--some more tangled than others!

A relationship equation must consist of various entities: each individual person + the relationship they create together + the social context in which they conduct that relationship (their work, school, community obligations, other relationships) + the cultural context (the norms or rules associated with the relationship).

Each of these entities impact the other. In other words, they are interdependent. And the entities are constantly changing--shifting in response to changes within and without the relationship.

Choose an important relationship in your life and describe the different parts that are in play, starting with you and your partner and moving up to the level of the relationship, the social network, and the culture in which you live. As a result of this exercise, I think you will begin to understand the complexities involved in relating to others.

My hope is that you will understand that relationships are complex, ever-changing, miraculous accomplishments!

Welcome to Mindful Relationships!

I'm really pleased to get this blog going--it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. So, in the spirit of the New Year, I did it!

What sorts of relationships will I be writing about here? Friendships, Romantic Relationships of all types, Marital Relationships, Sibling Relationships, Parent-Child Relationships--all of the people in your life who influence your everyday life and worldview the most. Research shows that the existence of these relationships in our lives impacts our quality of life and our physical well-being. If we have strong, loving relationships, we will report greater satisfaction with our lives and enhanced physical health. Of course, the down side is that if we lack these relationships, we will be more likely to experience loneliness, depression, and dis-ease.

A relationship is composed of 2 people, but the real work of relating starts with you. Becoming mindful in your relationships requires you to first examine the relationship you have with your Self. How much attention do you pay to how you communicate with your loved ones? How much do you respect You? What thinking and behavioral patterns do you bring into your relationships? We all have relationship histories: how does yours influence your current relationships?

My posts for January will focus on the Self--how we perceive ourselves, how our communication creates/recreates these perceptions, and how we can start identifying ways that we sabotage relationships from reaching their fullest potential.

Remember: gaining knowledge is the first step to transformation!

I ran across this quote today and love it:

Of all the judgments you make in life, none is as important as the one you make about yourself. The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action, between failure and success."

~Nathaniel Branden