Here's Fujishin's Healthy Relationships Principle #2:
Relationships Do Not Give You Everything.
It is a myth to believe that a relationship will give you everything you need to be happy and satisfy all of your needs. That's too much of a burden to put on one relationship. Humans are complicated beings and have a diverse range of interests and activities. As a result, we need a diverse array of relationships to fulfill our social needs.
Research shows that when we enter a romantic relationship, we tend to spend less time with our friends (women do this far more than men). In other words, our social lives shrink as a result of having a romantic partner. My research with people who are friends with the opposite sex shows that cross-sex friendships end because of jealousy and insecurity on the part of romantic partners. Yet, my research participants said the reason they had this friendship is because their romantic partner didn't share an interest in an activity that was important to them, such as music or sports or social activism.
How do you feel when your special person engages in a social life separate from you? What expectations do you have for your special person in terms of fulfilling your needs? What activities or interests have you put on hold because your special person was insecure (and vice versa)?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
At this current time in my life, I am not in a romantic relationship so my special person happens to be my best friend. I often get jealous when she engages in a social life that does not involve me. I want to be involved in all aspects of her life as she is in mine, or at least I try to allow her to be. As far as expectations go, I just expect her to be there to listen to me when I have problems or just want to talk. She is living a difficult lifestyle right now and I try my best to make her smile/laugh as much as possible because I think it's a crucial part of life. I like it when she makes time for us to hangout but I don't expect it because I know she is a busy person and is trying to support her family. It is very true that we need more than one special person in our lives that share different interests so we are able to be the best person we can be.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is right on time. I am a perfect example of this scenario. My best friend since i was 11 is male. When I hooked up with my boyfriend (now of 3 years) I stopped hanging out with him and most of my friends because my bofriend was not comfortable with me having male friends and spending time with them. So i separated myself to end confusion. But i was never happy with the decision becaused those friends were there for me before i even know Les existed and i felt like i was betraying them. So i sat Les down and explained to him the importance of me maintaining these friendships because they are a part of me. I gave him an opportunity to tell me what bothered him about me being friends with them and we came to an agreement so that i wouldn't have to sneak behind his back or neglect me friends. I have never stopped him from hanging with his boys or other social activities that exclude me because i understand that he needs that aspect of his life to feel balanced and fulfilled. I cant be with him all the time because we will burn each other out and argue all the time and who wants that??!! We have to have our individual lives outside of our relationship and commitment to each other. This makes for a healthy relationship that can grow and grow.
ReplyDeleteCourtney Busick - COMM 460
ReplyDeleteThis is a strong suit my boyfriend and I have with one another. Of course we enjoy hanging out, going to museums, seeing movies together, and much more. We also enjoy doing these things with other people, like our friends, and sometimes by ourselves. Even in the beginning, we maintained our friendships and talked about how we never wanted to make one another feel guilty for going to do something with other people. When my boyfriend engages in a social life separate from me, great! I understand he needs that and that he wants to do things with the just the guys. Frankly, I don't enjoy sitting around watching guys play video games and the only video game I enjoy is Sonic the Hedgehog, haha. We both cultivated these friendships long before we entered into each others lives. Our friends are like family to each of us, so they come as a package deal.
While we do maintain some autonomy, we also have actively sought out to become a part of the activities we each enjoy. It not only has helped me grow personally, but it has made our relationship richer. For example, my boyfriend enjoys target shooting and goes up to a friend's farm in Shelby Co. as often as he can. I had never in my life shot a rifle before dating him. I could have closed myself off and said, "No, I don't want to do it," but I chose to embrace his hobby. We both enjoy going up to the farm now. Sometimes it's just me and him, sometimes it's me, him, and his friends, or sometimes it's him and his friends. I have to say neither one of us has put interests or activities on hold because of one another. I met my boyfriend through eHarmony and I have to admit that I think because of that (and the intensive questionnaires you fill out), we don't have problems with this. From the beginning, we were matched up because we value maintaining some independence while striking a balance.
Angela Clayton from COMM460 says...
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this post because I've noticed in serious relationships that when they are in a relationships other friendships around them disappear because of lack of time, insecurity, etc. I am a victim of this because when I began my relationship with my boyfriend six years ago I had some friends that I had always ran with and the longer I dated my boyfriend the less I would see my friends and vice versa. In my case I don't think it's about insercuity but a simple time manner and with work, school, homework, and a social life it's hard to maintain your realtionship and also find time to hang out with your friends. I do find that it is more common for women to step away from friendships and dedicate all their time to their new realtionship. It's bad however when you do loose touch with friends and then maybe your relationship ends and your left alone because you isolated your self to that one person for so long that others have moved on without you. Keep in touch with friends and loved ones because although to you your relationship is #1 a friend is always needed in any situation.
It is not always easy to see the person you care about engage in a social life separate from yourself. I believe that the more you care for the person the more difficult it may be. When you really care about someone you want to be involved in their life as much as you can. The problem with that is you do not want to move too fast for the other person. As much as you may care, you still have to give them their space, just like you will want your space as well. Because of the relationship you both will spend less time with your friend. This may not be a problem for some couples. However, for the couples that do have this problem I think the issue is trust. If you care for this person as much you say you do then you should trust them. I have high expectations for my girlfriend when it comes to fulfilling my needs. However, it is not because I am selfish, it is because I am always trying to fulfill her every need. I guess it is just a standard I have for myself that makes me want the same in return. I do not think you should give up anything or put something on hold strictly because of your partner. Unless, it has been discussed and it is a mutual decision to hold off on something for a bit while things get worked out.
ReplyDeleteOthaniel yanez
Comm460
I never understood why cross-sex friendships were such a big issue. I grew up with a lot of male and female friends. Once we started becoming involved with someone, it would seem as though the romantic partner of mine or my friend, would be bothered by the relationship.
ReplyDeleteQuite frankly, if I wanted to be with my opposite sex friend in a romantic way, I would be. Or if he wasn't interested and I really was, I would move on. But if that person was a true friend, I would not let anyone come between us.
I have been married a long time and both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex that we have had before we got married. While we include each other in many outings and correspondence with those friends,we still have activities or conversations that don't involve the other. I would like to stress that these are old friendships. Though I don't like to admit it, if my husband suddenly became interested in a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex now, I might not look at it the same way.
T Woods Comm 315
I feel that my husband has put a lot of social things on hold because of me. I go out at least once a month with my friends. I cannot remember the last time my husband was out with friends. All of his friends live out of town. When I was younger I used to get very upset when he went out. I am not sure if it was a jealousy thing or if I was worried about what would happen or what. Now I think he still feelis that I will react in this way so he just does not do it. I feel bad for this. He also makes comments when I go out. I have told him that I have no problem with him going out with friends, but he does not believe me at this point.
ReplyDeleteSydney Smith-Comm 460
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting topic and it is something that my girlfriends and I often discuss. We always laugh because when someone gets a boyfriend that means that they fall of for a little bit. I definitely agree that this is more common in girls than in guys. I have only been in one serious relationship, and for the first two years we were physically in that same state and the second to we were long distance. I thought it was very good for us two have two separate lives and friends because when we were together we appreciated one another and being able to appreciate our time more. I think that when couples drop other friends they sort of lose their individuality and it may cause things to get boring, atleast for me. I always need to be on my toes and missing and doing something new with the person. That goes along with my personality type. As far as fulfilling needs, as long as each of our needs are met, and we are both happy there should be no reason to complain if one or the other is off doing something else.
I'm sure if anyone has been cheated on there is a little bit of insecurity that comes with a situation like this but it is in situations like these that you have to remind yourself that you can't have this relationship pay for the problems of old ones or it will suffer from the get go. I know there are times in the past I have given up activities because of my partner's insecurities which only made me form resentment towards them especially if I ended a relationship that allowed for me to engage in these certain activities, like playing tennis mainly. You can't play with someone who doesn't know how if you are experienced and they can't fake they are interested only so they can keep you away from the opposite sex. I myself would much rather have my boyfriend go do whatever hobby he wants to do with whoever he wants to do it with (as long as it isn't that) instead of suffering through something I don't enjoy just to keep him away from a girl. From someone who has been cheated on and knows why this is sometimes a problem, I just have to say this...it would help a whole lot if the girl could be really ugly... just kidding.
ReplyDeleteMorgan Tardiff posting for Comm. 460
ReplyDeleteI’ve always been a firm believer in never leaving your friends out of the picture once you’re in a relationship. When many of my friends enter in a relationship they dump their friends and cling to their boyfriends. But when the relationship goes south they expect you to be there to pick up the pieces. I think you need a healthy balance of both time with your friends and time with your boyfriend. Too much time together isn’t always a good thing and I think it’s healthy for the relationship to spend some time apart. I’ve been dating the same guy for almost a year and lately I’ve noticed his jealousy getting worse. I think working in an office with all guys and going out to bars with guys I know is really starting to bother him. I think in some ways I do hang out with other guys because there are things that my boyfriend doesn’t like to do that I like to do.
Karla Crawford - 315
ReplyDeleteThe person in my life love to bowl. He belongs to two different leagues, bowls three times a week and has been bowling for 20+ years. It's a new relationship, so I haven't mentioned that I'ld like to come seem him bowl sometime and he hasn't invited me. I'm glad that he has a hobby that he enjoys, but I know there will be times when his bowling times will interfer with something important that I want to do. As far as him fulfilling my needs, right now I'm not quite sure what I want from him, but so far he's been attentive, funny and a all-around nice guy. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I enjoy talking and being around him. So far, I haven't had to put any activities on hold. He has time with his friends and I have time with mine, but I know that will change as we get closer.
As a teenager, I often fell into the trap of neglecting my girlfriends when I had a boyfriend. After making that mistake once or twice and being on the receiving end of it as well with some of my friends, I realized that neglecting those important friendships was harmful to me, the friendships, and the dating relationship. It is way too much pressure on another person to rely on them completely, and I think no relationship can survive the long haul if one of its partners has such a mentality.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was single for several years before I met my fiancé, I was able to really count on those friends who knew and accepted me as I am. Nurturing those unique friendships became a priority for me. Now that James and I are about to be married, we both have very close friends outside of our romantic relationship. However, my closest friends other than James are other females, and his closest friends other than me are males. I will admit that I am not comfortable with the idea of James spending time alone with another woman outside of work. I don't know if this aversion of mine is because of my self-consciousness, or possibly a result of things that have happened in past relationships. Regardless, James feels the same way about me hanging out alone with another man, so this is not a conflict for us.
On the other hand, though, we do try to show interest in things that the other is excited about. For example, I got James a Guitar Hero game for Valentine's Day, which he loves, and I have recently started playing it with him. I didn't realize how such a simple gesture on my part would mean so much to him until I tried it, and honestly, it's really great fun!! In turn, James has learned to enjoy certain TV programming I like to watch that he wouldn't on his own, like Hell's Kitchen and Brothers and Sisters.
While we do try to accommodate each other and compromise on things like I mentioned, we also recognize that we need time apart. Whether I am having a girls' night, he has a guys' night, or we are just both home doing things on our own, these alternate activities help to keep our relationship intact. I've learned the hard way that it isn't honorable to allow the other person in a relationship to dictate everything. Eventually leads to resentment and possibly, the demise of the partnership.
~Thompson 460
Class 460
ReplyDeleteI think everyone needs a little time to themselves. It's not good to depend on someone so much that you can't think for yourself. Of course it's nice to have a relationship where you both love and respect one another and enjoy doing things together but you also need your individual hobbies or what have you. I was married for 29 years as I'm sure many of you know and when my husband passed away I was truly lost. However when we were together through the years we both had our own interest and didn't mind at all what the other one wanted to do be it alone or with other friends. I think what made our relationship work was the true love and trust we had with one another. He didn't doubt me and I didn't doubt him. If he said he was going fishing I knew that was where he would be and if I was going out to a concert with my work friends he knew where I would be. It takes trust to make a relationship really work and of course love is the key as well. If you feel good about you and can have trust in your relationship then I think anything is possible. The keys to a good relationship are love, trust, mutual respect, lots of patience and someone who will hold your hand when you just need a gentle reminder that you are loved and cared for by someone who knows you inside and out and still loves you.
Class 460
ReplyDeleteI think everyone needs a little time to themselves. It's not good to depend on someone so much that you can't think for yourself. Of course it's nice to have a relationship where you both love and respect one another and enjoy doing things together but you also need your individual hobbies or what have you. I was married for 29 years as I'm sure many of you know and when my husband passed away I was truly lost. However when we were together through the years we both had our own interest and didn't mind at all what the other one wanted to do be it alone or with other friends. I think what made our relationship work was the true love and trust we had with one another. He didn't doubt me and I didn't doubt him. If he said he was going fishing I knew that was where he would be and if I was going out to a concert with my work friends he knew where I would be. It takes trust to make a relationship really work and of course love is the key as well. If you feel good about you and can have trust in your relationship then I think anything is possible. The keys to a good relationship are love, trust, mutual respect, lots of patience and someone who will hold your hand when you just need a gentle reminder that you are loved and cared for by someone who knows you inside and out and still loves you.
When my significant other engages in social life separate from me, I can enjoy it, and approach it as a "day off" from being a couple. Although, it used to not be that easy. After my girlfriend and I had been together for just under a year, her outside social life used to create feelings of jealousy and abandonment. This was a point in our relationship where we weren’t as comfortable with each other as we are now, making it easier to distrust the other. Now, as we have been together for four plus years, I actually enjoy our time apart, and look forward to the days when we get a break from each other. The only expectations that I expect my partner to fulfill are being there in my time of need, yet being able to provide me with space when necessary. The only aspect of my life that I have had to put on hold due to our relationship, is my love of poker. I find that my girlfriend doesn't take kindly to the thought of me staying out all night gambling.
ReplyDeletePosted by Branden Hatfield Comm 315-35
In high school, I dated a guy who wanted me to be everything for him… his best friend, his girlfriend, his only emotional support, fill the role of his mom, and many more. It was exhaustive and eventually we broke up because I didn’t want to fill all those roles for him. I wanted time for myself and my friends too. I put my life on hold to care for his needs and I eventually realized my needs were important too. I think this relationship has affected all my relationships since. Time for myself, my family, and my friends is important to me. And, I want my special someone to do the same. It’s important to me to be with someone who has interests outside our relationship.
ReplyDeleteI live with my boyfriend and we spend a lot of time together, especially at home. But, sometimes I like to be home alone. Alone time is important to me. If he didn’t go out and spend time with his friends, I wouldn’t get that time. I think he feels the same way.
I also think it is important to be happy and whole without a significant other. When I met Dave, my boyfriend, I was in a good place emotionally. I was happy and content with my life. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void. I think, for me, this was a key to finding a healthy happy relationship.
Brandee Flynn
Comm 315
Jacqueline Anthony Comm460
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend Reese is much older than me and our lives are very different. He is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he also has 2 children. On the weekends he is involved in meetings. This is something I have a desire to be a part of and he doesn't invite me to attend. I want to support him in this area of his life, but he always leaves me out. This makes me doubt our relationship because I do not have a substance abuse problem and I do not understand it. He also keeps his children sometimes and he does not include me in this part of his life. He knows that I do not desire to have any children on my own and I think this is why he does this. He makes me feel like I am not a permanant entity in his life and like he doesn't want his kids to get to know me. Really, he doesn't understand how this makes me feel and since he has lived this way without me for so long, it is hard for him to re-adjust.
I hope that we can continue to grow in our relationship and somehow I can help him understand how he makes me feel. Sometimes as a significant other I want him to give up that part of his life for me, but I know that it will not make him or me happy. I don't think you should have to give up anything in a relationship. I believe that you should be able to share everything and be open about everything.
I have a male friend who is everything my boyfriend is not. But my boyfriend understands that we are just friends and he cannot be my friend in that way. It makes my boyfriend jealous at times that we discuss our relationship, but he knows it is innocent. I would not be with my boyfriend if he did not want me to be friends with another guy.
Kathy Mattingly--COMM 315
ReplyDeleteThis blog hits right home at this time in my life. My boyfriend and I just had a conversation along these lines. Ever since we got together we've always maintained that we both need time with our respective friends in order to maintain our sanity with each other and to keep our friendships alive and well. I've never had a problem with him spending time with the guys and he encourages me to see my girlfriends. He even bought tickets for my best friend and I to go see Cirque de Soleil: Saltimbanco this weekend! However, as far as friendships with memebers of the opposite sex; I'm very uncomfortable with him having single friends who are female. I don't have single male friends because of past experience of sexual attraction on their part and I don't think men and women can be in a relationship and maintain strictly platonic friendships with someone of the opposite sex.
Well, my boyfriend and I have an ongoing dispute about this situation. Me being the person I am, I am a very sociable person but at the same time I do not have that many friends and that is my choice. It just seems that a lot of my friends deemed to be untrustworthy so I just have a few good ones in my life and just stick with my family. On the other hand, my boyfriend has so many friends and especially a lot of female friends, not to mention his most recent ex-girlfriend. We do spend time together and love doing things together but he just loves spending time with other people while i love doing things by myself so when there come a time when I have a male friend that I hang out with, he gets a little uneasy. It is really funny because I have a male friend at work that I hang out with on Tuesdays and some Fridays and we do things that we both enjoy doing like eating at new restaurants and seeing new movies. A lot of the time my boyfriend doesn't like to go out so when I do, I like hanging with my friends.
ReplyDeleteBut with him, hanging out with girls makes me uneasy because there are so many that he hangs around. Most of them are from school and from his home town but I guess it's something that I have to get used to. I don't expect for this relationship to quench my every thirst but I do expect it to supply some things otherwise we don't need to waste time and be in it.
Monique Stepney COMM 460