For the next few posts, I will review Fujishin's Principles of Healthy Relationships.
#1 Relationships are not perfect.
Often, we have an idealized notion of relationships in our heads. We expect love, laughter, and no conflict at all times. The truth is no relationship reaches that ideal. Instead, relationships can be a bit messy at times. Fujishin believes in his 80/20 rule for relationships. At any given time, 80 percent of the relationship is working and only 20 percent of the relationship is not.
Many times, we direct our focus to the 20 percent that isn't working instead of emphasizing the parts that are working. If we focus on the negative, it will enlarge in our minds. Similarly, if we focus on the positive, it too will enlarge. Relationship partners can still keep working on overcoming the negatives while focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Try it for awhile--focus on your relational partner's loyalty, sense of humor, generosity, helpfulness, etc. etc. Notice that and tell them how much you appreciate these aspects of their personality and your jointly-constructed relationship.
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In the relationship that I am in right now I always hear that I don't appreciate her enough. I tell her that its not that I don't appreciate her its just that I have a bad way of showing it. I know that this is something that I am going to have to work on because I understand that she doesn't get the credit that she deserves. One reason that I joined comm.315 was to help me improve my communication skills. It is important for me to be able to discuss problems such as my communication skills and find ways to improve those skills. Sometimes its as if I feel she should know how I feel about her without even saying a word. I believe one reason I have communication problems, in relationships, is because as a kid my parents never told me they loved me or showed much affection toward us, but I know they would do anything they could for us. They didn't tell us they loved us but we knew it. My better half, on the other hand, grew up in a very affectionate family and needs to be pampered. This is the encouragement that she needs to reinforce my feelings for her. I know I need to work on showing more affection and acknowledging her more often and this is what I'm trying to do.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are 100% right. We do tend to focus on the 20% that does not seem perfect and that is where things can really fall apart. I think that when you step back and look at the overall way that things are they tend to be better than you think. For example, I am in a relationship that I am taking almost too slow (for fear of being hurt again) and I am looking at some of the things that just make me upset with our relationship. Last night I was just taken back at the way that my new beau interacts with my children. My oldest needed help with his homework and he ask my "boyfriend" for help. It was the sweetest thing to watch them interact. I think of things like that and I smile, knowing that, though there are things that are NOT perfect and never will be...there is enough to keep me in it and working to make that 20% less!
ReplyDeleteG.Mason-Comm. 460-50
ReplyDeleteThis is so true because no relationship is perfect and I feel that his is something that a lot of people forget. You’re not always going to agree on things and be this happy couple for the whole world to see. You’re going to have those silly arguments over things. I've been in a relationship were the guy I was dating seem to always fall into pieces when we would have an argument or disagreed on something. It seemed that just because everything wasn't going great that he was afraid that I was going to end the relationship because I would express why I didn't like something. I think that the thing that people forget that it is the good things that bring you together in the first place and these are the same things that keep you together. It is truly the bad things that cause you to end the relationship because it is all that you think about if it is bad enough to over shadow your whole relationship. If your not happy and the bad is out weighing the good it may be time to end the relationship.
Morgan Tardiff
ReplyDeleteComm 315
It's funny because I feel like you were talking about my relationships when you wrote this post. I've always looked at that 20% of things they are doing wrong and never at the 80% they are doing right. It drives my boyfriend crazy that I only pick at him and remember the things he does wrong and never praise him on the positive things he's done in our relationship. I do have an idealized notion in my head of what a perfect relationship looks like, but there isn't a perfect relationship. I think with everyone my age getting married latley it puts a lot of pressure on me to find that perfect person. But how do I know that these people who are getting engaged are really happy and not just hung up on the notion of being married.
Rebecca Hunt
ReplyDeleteComm 315
I completely agree with this post! I am the worst at focusing on the 20% of the relationship I am not happy with. I have found that I will pout about something that I'm upset about and end up missing out on some potentially great times. I have had two very serious relationships prior to the one I am in now and finally have learned to let things go and appreciate the person I'm with. I have to remember why I fell in love in the first place. Thinking back, I probably left two people that I could have been more forgiving with, but I never seemed to be able to let things go. Maybe that meant that they weren't the right people for me, but it still makes me wonder if I'd known then what I know now, maybe things would've been different. As much hurt and pain I caused myself by focusing on the negative, I now know that no relationship is perfect. I have to make the decision that this is the person I love and the bad times are worth it for the happiness I have 80% of the time. I may be a little bit slow in this respect, but I finally trust myself to stay with the same person for the long run because I have a realistic approach to what it takes to maintain a relationship.
In the relationship I have with my boyfriend, I know that is not always perfect. Instead of obsessing over the little things in our relationship that don’t work, I focus on the things that do. I would say that the 80/20 rule applies to us. 80% of our relationship works fine. We are happy, we trust each other, we confirm each other, we support each other, we share interests, we communicate easily and many more things. The 20% deals with things that may bother one of us, but aren’t essential to making our relationship work. (Like the fact that he leaves wires and computer insides lying around our apartment... he is such a computer nerd. I can say that with loving respect for his hobby, because he knows I admire what he can do with all the “junk” I don’t understand.) Maybe that is where loyalty comes into the conflict stage. Even though we both know the mess bothers me, I know he has no where else to work on his hobby until we can get a house with more space, so I choose not to create conflict over it. Other times we have problems that we have to work out. Usually concerning time and space issues when my family comes to visit.Most of the time, we both like to focus on the 80%. This focus keeps us happy. It also creates a positive climate in our relationship that allows us both to grow together.
ReplyDeleteBrandee Flynn
comm 315
I couldn't agree with you more on this blog. It is so easy to focus on the negatives instead of the positives in relationships. My husband and I have a very confirming and close relationship, however, we are also normal human beings and have conflict at certain times. I have been trying for the last several months to focus on the positive. For example, my husband just like any other typical male has his certain ticks about him that drive me insane sometimes, (leaving his toothbrush in the sink or on the side of it even though we have a toothbrush holder, putting his dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, letting the house get a complete wreck when he is here by himself watching our kids.) I always end up starting the conflict because I usually can't stand to not say something. My favorite line to him goes something like this, " You are as messy as the kids, I expect that from them, but not you too." When I say things like this we definately engage in conflict and yell at each other and soon forget what it was we were arguing about. Lately I have been practicing a more positive approach. When I see him pick up his toothbrush or take initiative to combat one of his ticks, I have been trying to praise him by recognizing the good deed and by saying thanks. I have noticed that this positive approach is more effective and that he picks up after himself more without me having to say something. I do feel that conflict is healthy to have in relationships and that it only makes the relationship stronger when you work together to resolve the conflict and focus on the more positive aspects of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteI have been with Les for 3 years and i must admit that in the beginning, I had the horrible habit of focusing on the negative. I hardlgy ever acknowledged the good things i liked that he did or the time he spent with me. I constantly linked everything he said to a past incident i had with an ex that treated me really bad. I made assumptions based on what the ex had done previously, indirectly making Les pay for those events through my actions towards him. I had to almost lose Les to realize that instead of cherishing the moments we spent together, I used that time to harp and nap about something. I have tried so hard to work on that and i have noticed a drastic improvements in my relationship. We are much happier and relaxed with each other because that constant pressure for approval is gone.
ReplyDeleteI have plenty of relationships that are 80 percent working and 20 percent of the relationship is not. Most of the relationships that I have developed here at the University of Louisville are in fact 80/20 relationships. Some examples of this are: my relationship with most of my teammates, my coaches, and even some of my advisors. It is not alwasy easy to look at the postitves instead of the negatives. I always try to be optamistic in these relationships. However, I am guilty in pointing out negatives. This is especially apparent when trying to maintain a certain level of competitiveness in soccer practice. Practice is actually a place where I should be a little more positive, because words and attitudes can harm the team more than they will help.
ReplyDeleteOthaniel Yanez
Comm460
I believe this is the case for a lot of us in many aspects of our life. It is easier to look at the things we are not happy with if that is what you have done your whole life. I have to constantly remind myself to be positive and stay positive and put a lot of effort into this behavior because I have always been surrounded by negativity and negative messages and negative imagery that it comes natural for me to gravitate towards what I can comment negatively on more than what I can appreciate as positive. I am never satisfied or content in anything or anyone because of this. Needless to say, I am a work in progress.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the 80/20 role, but I want to push it a little farther. It is working 80% because of EVERYTHING that each person in the relationship does. Think about not only what the person helps out with or their humor, but think about how much a person changes their daily routine, and sometimes even beliefs, along with several aspects of their lives just to create and easier and more loving atmosphere. How many people change religions for marriage, or move cities for their spouse? A relationship is definitely work, but love is something that is devloped through these changes and the appreciation within the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is 100% correct. I tend to always focus on the 20% negative in my relationship. I find myself dwelling on past fights and on the things that aren't right. The positive that does come from it seems to always be in the back of my mind. I have a hard time leaving things from the past in the past and I think it obviously causes problems. It's hard to see the good every day but I think if I work harder and so does he on focusing on the good that we have together things can improve. Right now I am stuck in a rut with my sons father and it is clearly because neither of us can keep our minds on the 80% that is happy. Relationships are tough and I never would have known it growing up, they seem so amazing and perfect but if I keep my mind on what a great father he is and how happy we can all be I see things moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI can definetly relate to this blog. I can't tell you how many times I have heard..." you need to lower your standards. No wonder why you are single!" Of course a man said that to me. I have been through rough relationships and I know what I don't want. I know realtionships aren't perfect and maybe I do expect to much, but I just want to be in a happy, healthy relationship. I am very flexibile and easy to get along with so I donlt understand my luck with realtionships. I know their will be some arguing and that times get hard, but sometimes enough is enough. I admit I do look at more negetives than positives, but sometimes they are enough reason regardless of how funny the person may be. I have been the dumper a lot, but I have always had good reasons.It is very hard sometimes, but I feel like I am looking out for myself. If I'm not happy no one but me can change that. I would settle for not perfect, but I don't want to settle for less either. If I cry more than I laugh, I know "working it out" isn't an option.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it so hard for friends to get along with other friend's boyfriend? I tried to have talk with my friend about her less than perfect boyfriend actually last night, before I even read this blog. Her conversation with me almost sounded just like this blog! She focuses on on the good stuff and I focus on all the negetives. Why I don't know. I have seen her in a previous abusive relationship and it took her a really long time to break away. I'm scared it will happen again. She says that she is happy and that is all that really matters and I just need to accept that and quit thinking about all the negetives.
Nancy Kindrick Comm 315
I could not agree with you more. I often find myself getting frustrated with my husband becuse there are a few things about him and his personality that I do not like. I in my fit of frustration do no usually step back to think of the fact that he is a hard worker, great provider, and an excellent father to my children. I imagine that for the monst part he does the same think with me. I am going to let him read this and ask him what he thinks
ReplyDeleteYour statement rings true in more ways than one. I have been in my current relationship for four years now. When I look back, I always attempt to compare our current state to the state of the relationship in our first year, but I conveniently exclude one crucial aspect. In the first year of our relationship we did not live together. We have shared a residence for the last three years, and when you move in with each other, there is a dynamic shift in the relationship. A thing that never matered before suddenly matter, bills, money, or something simple such as whos turn it is to clean the house. I have learned that you have to balance this shift in priorities by making time for you and your partner, where "duties" involved with living together are not always in the forefront. This may include, getting out of town for the weekend, or just regularly going on dates. Unfortunately, though, you have to come back to reality, and learn to share your new found responsibilities, and attempt find a balance between those responsibilities and your relationship.
ReplyDeletePosted by Branden Hatfield
Comm 315-50
It's funny, because just yesterday my future husband and I had a great day, and I realized as much as I really love those days (because they are so easy) I even love the days that we have to work at being happy. I think that is so important in any relationship. I would even rather be arguing with him every day than be without him. Most of our days are a mix of both good and not so good points. The not so good times are usually when we get annoyed with something the other person did, or something the other said. These are pretty easily fixed and I am so greatful that this is the case. I am so lucky to have this relationship.
ReplyDeleteNicole Carey
Comm 315
I find that Fujishin's idea of 80/20 rings true in my relationship. I feel that there is no challenge in finding faults or what is wrong with a relationship. What is a challenge however, it doing what is suggested by focusing on the 80 percent that is positive. Fortunately the relationship to which I am referring is fairly new. I am happy in my current relationship because there is balance (so far). Most relationships are dynamic in that there is constant change, it may be gradual, but changes nonetheless. This requires maintenance and hard work. It is difficult to have to run everything you do by someone who is taking more than they give. We know from previous texts that it is often difficult to actually change someone. This is something that one should be mindful of when entering a getting involved in a serious relationship. Accommodating those close to you is something that can be difficult for some of us, but it is part of being in a close relationship.
ReplyDeleteTommy Kottalis-460
Carrie Flanagan COM 315
ReplyDeleteI think I do a pretty good job at focusing on the 80% that is good in my relationship. When I get mad at my significant other I snap back to normal in a shorter period of time now because there's so much about him that is wonderful. It's hard for me to stay mad for long periods of time like I used to do in my previous relationship. Though, sometimes I feel that he dwells on the 20% of our relationship that isn't going so well. He like to use words like "always" and "never" when he expresses his anger, so I often wonder if he thinks that 80% of our relationship is good or even great. I rarely focus on the negative parts of our relationship, but when the really really bad fights happen I tend to think up a "Plan B"... and a "Plan C, D, E and F", all of which do not include him. Though, overall, I think from my point of view it's easy to focus on what is good in our relationship. Heaven knows I've had enough practice staying in bad relationships to know when I am in a good relationship.
Often, I tell people why do you focus on the negative issue rather than the positive? They replied, "I don't know." I came to the conclusion that the negative issue always impacts the person the most regardless if it is 20% of the relationship that is not working.
ReplyDeletePeople will always focus on the negative issue because it is human instinct so I concluded that if the 20% is something I can live with the rest of my life then so be it. So the lesson people should learn is: if there is something negative about the relationship you notice, combine both the positive and negative things and see if the positive over weighs the bad.
In my relationship I agree with the 80/20 theory. I do believe the reaosn I focus on the 20% that isn't working is becuase if ignored that 20% may grow and take over the 80%. I try to resolve the 20% and when it seems resolved I start to question rather it is really resolved at all or did he just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. It is obvious that trust is a problem in my relationship, but once it is broken it takes time, and I have not reached the point of trusting again.
ReplyDeleteShannon Cline
Comm 460
I think we really focus on the 20% that isn't working when we are mad at each other. If I ever get upset at my girlfriend it is always easier to focus on the negative to back up my negative feelings. I enjoyed the previous post about us gathering up positive moments to use in times we are upset. My girlfriend is really good at focusing on the positive and she is just amazing at relationships in general. She knows what she will accept and what she will not from people. She has helped me grow and will point out when we are arguing all the good times we have and that a particular argument does not say something about our whole relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, we go from the book of happiness which was great, to the book for relationships and the one and only Fujishin. I understand where he is comming from with the 80/20 divide, i think relationships are exactly like that they are work but you dont want them to seem like "work". I feel relationships are tough, but they do help you in many different ways. We have to have people on our lives that we our close to whether its an intimate relationship or not, without relationships we have no one to confide in and share our true feelings with!
ReplyDeleteIn the relationship I had with my husband I was one lucky lady. He was very sweet and giving and I am not sure I always knew this or at least in the beginning of our marriage I may not have appreciated it as much as I should have. However through the years I came to know such an amazing man. He had the kindest heart and loved me so much. He would bring me my coffee in the morning and if I was tired at night if I asked or sometimes I didn't even have to ask and he would rub my feet. Just sweet little things that looking back meant so much to me. I too tried to be sweet and kind to him I would make him his favorite ice tea and take him a big glass outside to the deck in the summer when I knew he was thirsty and hot. I loved doing simple, sweet things for him. We were married for 29 years and I think I grew to love him even more with each passing one. I wish now he were still here because I miss him more than words can say. I was so blessed to have him and if you too have someone kind and loving in your life let him/her know everyday and show it with the simple ways of giving. You don't have to give expensive gifts just give with your heart and the rest is such a blessing. Also tell them you love them everyday....you may not get a second chance so say what you feel.
ReplyDelete