Healthy Relationship Principle #4: Relationships require flexibility.
Relationships are in a constant state of change. No healthy relationship stays the same forever. Forces from outside the relationship as well as forces within the relationship keep it in a state of flux. Individuals change (look at how you've transformed over the years) and situations change (especially in our age of technology and mobility).
Your willingness to adapt to these changes as an individual and as a relational partner are key to maintaining a healthy relationship with a beloved. A relationship needs room to grow and adjust. Change is not always a bad thing! Talking with your partner about this issue helps to ease the fears associated with change. Reassuring each other that in spite of the changes, your commitment remains constant will facilitate change and growth.
Lao-tzu, a famous Chinese philosopher said:
A tree that is unbending is easily broken
The hard and strong will fall
The soft and weak will overcome.
Or, as a not so famous professor of communication (that's me), says to her children
Flexibility is the key to a happy and successful life!
So...how flexible are you in the face of change???
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Sydney Smith-Comm 460
ReplyDeleteI really like this topic and I think that it is truly Key to relationships. From my own personal relationships I strongly believe that being able to change and adapt to things is Key. The person who I was at the age of 18 is definitely not the person who I am not at the age of 23, and the relationships that I have today or relationships that have been able to withstand and grow with my change, as well as me grow and change with the other people in my life as well. As for the intimate relationship that I was in, for 4 years, it was not being able to grow and change together, and adapt to our changing lives that eventually tore us apart. It has to be a mutal thing because as we continue to go through life we are going to constantly be learning things and changing and growing!!
Angela Clayton from COM460-50 says....
ReplyDeleteI say that I have been very flexible in the face of change. Since I have been with my boyfriend for over six years we have really grown and matured together as a couple. Meeting someone at 17 your young and ready to explore and also party. So our relationship dynamics has changed over the years and instead of being the party couple we are the couple that enjoy sitting at home together talking and watching tv now. Sometimes I do feel like my life can be boring at times but I like the stablibity of my relationship. We both have our dreams and goals and we hope to both explore and accomplish those goals in life soon. But you really need to rely on your partner and so call roll with the punches.
Courtney Busick - COMM 460
ReplyDeleteFor the past two years, I have realized just how flexible I can be. For a long time, I was very rigid in my relationships. I'm the type of person who likes to plan things in advance, including my relationships. For the longest time, I with a great man who I thought was on the same path as me. I wanted to stay the course. By having this attitude, I created tension in our relationship. For three years, I maintained the attitude that we were ok, this is how we would go, and that our future was perfectly planned out. When things started going south, I realized how my lack of listening to his needs and not learning to be able to change had affected our relationship. Although he and I are no longer together, I took what I learned from that relationship and realized how things cannot always go the way I plan them. In my relationship now, my boyfriend and I are going through a lot of personal changes individually, but we openly discuss how these affect one another. We're both committed to one another and realizing that we can either support and respect the changes each of us making and move forward together or we can adopt the attitude I once shared. I wasn't willing to be flexible with my previous relationship (and he was my fiance), even when I realized I was being selfish. I think I needed to step back, self-reflect, and change personally before I was willing to be that flexible with someone else; the kind it takes to make a marriage work.
Flexibility, the key to any strong relationship, is not as easily obtained by some. I am one of those chosen few. I would not say that I am unwilling to be flexible; I am just a creature of habit. I am a man that likes to live a routine life. I do my laundry on a certain day, I like my DVD’s stacked in alphabetical order, and I an obsessively clean. I learned quickly that all of this changes when you move in with your partner. My girlfriend and I have lived together for almost four years now, yet everything I am finding new aspects of the domesticated life that I must adapt to. In our relationship our roles are reversed, I am the tidy, clean, neat freak, often indicative of a woman. She is the messy, less organized of the two, often indicative of the male. In all honesty, us being together, is a true case of opposites attracting. When we decided that we wanted to live together I knew that their would be changes, I just did not foresee them being so drastic. For the first year or so, I felt as if I spent every waking hour coming behind here and cleaning up her messes. This took a long time to get used to. Over time, though, I feel that we have both become more flexible to each others needs. I have become more lax in my pursuit of the cleanest home in the nation. Allowing her to slide when she doesn’t do things the way I expect them to be done. I understand that I am a bit compulsive, and my standards may be borderline insane. She, as well, has learned to change, in order to create a happier household. She is more apt to go out of her way to clean when I am not around, and she actually takes time to ask me if there is anything that needs to be done. This is just one example of the flexibility needed to maintain a relationship, and shared living quarters. Overall if you want it to work bad enough, you will learn to adapt, change, and grow.
ReplyDeletePosted By Branden Hatfield
Comm 315-50
My husband and I have been together through a lot of great times and also a lot of difficult times. If we had not been flexible and very committed to each other we would not still be together.
ReplyDeleteWhile we have grown in many ways, neither of us has changed dramatically in the years we have been together-at the very least, I would say we have changed in the same directions.
Right now, my husband has been out of work. Meanwhile, I am working more hours and taking a few college courses. We have no choice but to be flexible and make the most of what we have in life right now. Actually, we have both been enjoying our new roles these days. I don't think I would have been attracted to someone who couldn't bend and roll with the changes.
T. Woods Comm315
I have learned to be very flexible and how to adapt to change quite frequently. This concept has been very important, especially since becoming a wife and mother a little over seven years ago. I had to realize that it wasn't just about me anymore, and by adding others to the equation one learns to compromise and be quite flexible. I also believe that it takes equal amounts of effort from both partners in a relationship to make it last. My husband and I have actually been together for nine years and have always been able to sit down and openly communicate to one another about anything, which is why our relationship has made it this far. When life throws a curve ball at us, we are very supportive of one another and come up with a solution that is flexible and has an outcome of a win-win scenario. Add a couple of kids to the mix, and you will learn to be as flexible as a rubber band. Our children's needs come first, so each day presents a new challenge of learning how to compromise and bend with each other.
ReplyDeleteI understand what it means to be flexible in a relationship. Me and my wife met my freshmen year in college, that was back in 1994, and we had to learn to be flexible. In 1996 I started playing professional basketball in Europe and my first three years over there she came with me. She got pregnant in 1999 and started staying in the U.S. after our child was born. I continued to play in Europe until 2007 coming home about 4 months a year. This was very hard on both of us but we learned to be flexible understanding that this was my job and this was how the bills where being paid. We had to make adjustments because we were use to being with each other all the time and now we only got to see each other on Christmas, for about a week, and when the season was over. I believe the two things that kept us together was our love for each other and the trust we had in each other. This was a very difficult time for all of us but we made it through because we were flexible.
ReplyDeleteI will admit that I struggle with being flexible. I am a person who is big on routine and has issues with change, and so being flexible doesn't always come naturally for me. The good thing is I know this about myself, and I am working on changing that fear of change into a more positive association in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI find myself being much more amenable to change when my stress level is on the low end. When I feel that I am on top of things and acting responsibly in my life to maintain those areas most important to me, then I am more apt to accept change easily. Realizing this about myself shows me that the simplest way for me to be flexible is to stay responsible and ahead of the game. Of course, that's not always possible because things oftentimes occur that are out of my control. However, I am really getting excited about Covey's lesson of putting your principles first. There will always be tons of little things on my to-do list, but if I focus on getting those big ones accomplished, the little ones don't seem so detrimental if they don't get finished right away.
When I look back on how I've changed over the past 10 years or so, I am truly amazed. I really have changed more than I ever thought I would and have tackled difficult situations in my life much more successfully than I'd ever have given myself credit for handling 10, 5, or even 2 years ago. I guess it just goes to show that I really can get through anything as long as I try and never give up...never allow the fear to consume me.
I should use those same lessons to help me become more flexible to change in the future. I know that fear is harmful and will hold me back if I allow it to do so. For me, the fear of change is usually more harmful than the change itself.
~Thompson COMM460
Karla Crawford-315
ReplyDeleteRelationships take work and what you put into it, is usually what you get out of it. In my early 20's I was happy with my boyfriend who later became my husband. As the relationship progressed I wanted to get married and have children and pressured him about it and we eventually married. We had two sons and seemed to be happy--as I got just what I wanted. 15 years later I discovered that I loved being a mother but not necessarily a wife. We've been divorced for 11 years now and I've dated some nice guys over the years, but when I feel he is getting too close, I back off. I don't want to invest in the work it takes to sustain a relationship and I like my life as it is. I like making my own decisions without having to consider anyone else in the equation and I don't want to have to answer to anyone. Don't get me wrong, my ex-husband was and still is a very nice guy and we had a good marriage, but as I grew older I no longer wanted that life. I have friends that are desperately searching for husbands as they don't want want to 'grow old alone' like they think I will. I believe that being alone isn't necessarily being lonely. I am 45 years old and perhaps, some day if that's what I feel I want at the time, I will pursue and put in the work to sustain a relationship.
Brandi Koch - 315-50 Interpersonal Relationships
ReplyDeleteI think I, over time, have become very flexible in my relationships. My partner is just recently learning this necessary technique. Everyone needs to be bendable. No one is ever right 100% of the time, nor can anyone have their own way %100 of the time. A relationship is all about communication and flexibility. If my hubby really wants Italian food but I want Sushi, maybe we will have Italian the first night, but then go for Sushi on the weekend. Or, If he wants to go out with is friends or go see a particular movie, I must be willing to be flexible because there will be times where I will want to do these kinds of things as well and I will want him to be flexible. It is a give and take without a doubt and although it took me awhile to learn this, I am glad I did. I feel I am able to be a better partner with this knowledge and hopefully lead a healthier marriage because of it!
Rebecca Hunt - COMM 315
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that staying flexible is key. Change is inevitable. I was in a relationship for four years with someone I started dating at 16. He was several years older than I was and was ready to settle down, and, though only 20 years old, I thought I was ready for the same. It turns out that I had a lot of growing and maturing left to do and he was unwilling to consider that I was not at the same point he was. I felt forced into a relationship where I wasn't able to grow into the person I wanted to be. Obviously, our relationship was destined to end. Now, at 25, I feel so appreciative of what I learned from that relationship. My fiancé is a year younger than I am and we are growing and learning together. I try not to have expectations from him and understand that we are still learning about ourselves and each other. We are going to be faced with temptations, both internally and externally, but so long as we're willing to roll with the punches, we have a bright future ahead of us. I think that flexibility applies to every relationship, not only our romantic ones. I have to be very flexible in my job on a daily basis. I often speak to people who challenge me and I want to be ugly, but I have to step back and remind myself that no good will come from me being stubborn and prideful.
I am not one who is very organized, in fact I am just the opposite. I am scatter brained all the time and I always feel like i am always trying to get organized but i can't seem to stay that way i can't keep up the pace and I fall behind only to be in a never ending cycle of madness and then...BAAAM,that's what change feels like to me. Change is like this imaginary gust of wind/tornado/cyclone at times, that's blown my hard worked and freshly organized mile high stack/stacks of papers that were not numbered off my desk that have to be on the other side of the universe in a matter of nanoseconds. I guess it is suffice to say that I do not take change well but I very very very very slowly learn to adapt, I just wish I could learn the art of it all so I could learn how to take change more gracefully and be able to roll with it much quicker.
ReplyDeleteI love this post as well because i totally agree and have tried to live my life by the quotes included. My boyfriend and i have been together for over 3 years now and let me tell you, i am 100% convinced that flexibility has kept us burning bright! LOL!! But seriously, when we first started out we were a long distant couple, him going to school at Western and me still in his hometown of Louisville. It was difficult only seeing him on the weekends, but over time we got used to it. Then about a year and a half later he transfered to louisville and we got to see each other everyday or whenever we wanted to. This was all good at first but we were used to the individual time and space during the week and the couple thing on the weekend. This change caused us to get burnt out of spending time together and we began to argue. There were several adjustments made on both parts but both of us was willing to flex. Its true talking with your partner really helps growth and closeness. We came to agreements and listened to one another's needs and we are still going strong. So I guess its safe to say that I am now flexible, because at the beginning it was very hard!
ReplyDeleteCharlotte Shumate
ReplyDeleteClass 460
I think this is a wonderful topic. This makes me think back to when I first got married. I was not a very flexible person at that time I guess I was just young only 20 when I got married I was use to having my own way and my time was mine. I learned that marriage is a lot of give and take and learning something new about each other every day. It takes a lot of trial and error to make a relationship work and you really do have to learn to be very flexible. For instance my husband loved to listen to his stereo at home and he would play it so loud the walls seemed to shake. After a few long discussions we compromised and he said he would turn down the volume a bit or else listen to it on his head set so he was being flexible and I truly appreciated it so did the neighbors.
After we had children I learned that the world does not revolve around me. Children really do teach us to think of someone else besides ourselves. I learned to take each day as a new learning experience and to go with the flow. Babies can be very demanding and need us for everything. When they want something you drop everything else and attend to their needs unless you enjoy hearing a baby cry for hours on end. I don’t think we realize how much we can love someone else until we have children or get married. I became very flexible when I had my children and I think I am a much better person for doing so. I love my children and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them. They are both grown my daughter has three boys my son isn’t married yet so no babies for him.
Anyway I think we all have to compromise and be very flexible in our relationships, jobs and life in general. I use to not like change at all and I’m still not a big fan of it but I realize we must accept change in order to grow as people. I’m still learning and I’m 57 you are never too old to change and be flexible it makes life much easier.
I don't know if my earlier comment will show up, but I don't think I would still be married if my husband and I weren't both flexible. I got married when I was 20 and Steve and I have been through a lot of physical changes, geographical changes and now role changes. I am working more and going to school and he has been out of work since the housing market crashed here in Florida. Actually, we are having fun with our new roles. He is loving life here at our place and becoming a pretty good cook and I am enjoying handling more responsibilities at my office and knowing that things at home are handled.
ReplyDeleteWe have had worse things happen over the years and we tend to both sweat the small stuff, but when it comes to the big picture, we are both flexible. I don't think I could have made a life with someone who was too rigid to roll with the many changes life brings.
TWoods-Comm315
I am not currently in a serious relationship but I will have to admit that I could definitely improve in the face of change. It is something that I am not very good at and really need to work harder at accomplishing. I am a very organized and scheduled person and when something goes wrong it really throws me off sometimes and I need to realize that things do not always go as planned and that if I don't learn to adjust to change then I might have some serious medical issues later in life which is something that I do not want to come into contact with.
ReplyDeleteI think that I am very open an adaptable to change within my relationship. My husband just this year took on a high profile teaching position. This position is at the most well known performing arts school in the state. This position has made it so he leaves for work at 7 and most nights I do not see him until 9 or later. This is quite a change from his previous position. We have small children so this has been quite an adjustment for them and me. This is what he has worked for many years to achieve and I do my best to support him because I know he is doing what he loves at the highest possible level. I sometimes do get frustrated but I stay positive because I know he is happy, and it is very rare to have the opportunity to work a job doing what you love.
ReplyDeleteI agree and believe that the more flexible you are the easier it is to be happy. I am a very flexible person. I am from Southern California, I came to Louisville for school, and soccer. My girlfriend also from southern California goes to school at the University of Miami in Florida. We are both flexible people. We are now juniors, and so far it is going very well. It is not always easy but it is worth it.
ReplyDeleteOthaniel Yanez
Comm 460
I believe growing and changing is a part of our being. I have grown out of casual dating into seeking a serious relationship. I am older so I know that it would have to happen if I want the kind of life I desire in 10 years. I have been as flexible as I can be with changing in the relationship I am in now. I went from thinking about only me all day long to considering someones elses feeling along with mine. I have sacrificed some things that I wanted to do for the good of the whole. Changing and being flexible is not an easy task. But when you see the growth in yourself later from those experiences you are thankful you were able to adapt.
ReplyDeleteCarrie Flanagan- COM 315
ReplyDeleteI agree that flexibility is key in relationships, however from my past experience I've found that being too flexible is not good either. My first few serious relationships ended badly because I was too flexible. I was able to bend with what my significant other wanted, but I didn't know myself well enough to know what I needed and wanted, so I gave in to any flexibility they needed from me. Naturally, that is my own fault. Over the years I've learned what I need from another person in a relationship and I've become somewhat rigid about those things. Though, overall I am still a flexible person, but not about anything and everything. My fiance and I have grown together more than I have ever thought possible due to us both knowing what we want out of life. We have learned that having win/win situations by being flexible with each other is best rather than having win/lose situations because one of us will not budge on our positions on an issue. I think it's important to be flexible, but not be flexible to the point where you lose what you want out of life.
Carrie Flanagan COM 315
Change is so important in a relationship and it realistically is not possible to maintain a serious committed romantic relationship without the flexibility o change and grow together. I am definitely a traditionalist so I like things to stay the same and the old values are the right way. But at the same time I am realistic and so understand that our world is constantly changing and so therefore the old traditional ways and values do not always work and apply to todays world. My last relationship lasted for three years, my girlfriend and I started dating my junior year in high school and broke up for good my sophomore year of junior college. I was and unfortunately still am very much so in love with her. She was perfect for me and I think we were perfect for eachother. We only broke up because we were both leaving for college and she was staying in California and I was coming here. We thought that trying a long distance relationship was a bad idea because we were afraid of growing apart and anding up hating eachother. THrough the three years we were together we went through some pretty serious events in our personal lives and so therefore had to grow and change together. We started out as kids and grew together into adults. The problem with long distance relationships is that people keep growing but they are not together so they grow differently, without the same experiances they have a difficult time being able to relate anymore. THere is onlyso much flexibility one can have, if you cnat relate to the other person then you cannot have a relationship.Adam Froman-315
ReplyDeleteThis blog makes me think, alot, because I've known my whole life that I do not like change. I like schedules and stability in my life. I've had to change tremendously in the last year having a baby at 21 and moving out on my own. But that change, I couldn't really change after it happened. When it comes to change in my relationships I am very weary. I like to know my partner and have stability in what we are going to be doing and where. The thought of him possibily starting college after having got out of the army scares me because I was so used to that way of life and if he takes on the challenges of school, I will have to adjust to things being different. I know I need to work on allowing change to be a positive thing in my life and not scary.
ReplyDeleteKathy Mattingly--COMM 315
ReplyDeleteI think flexibility is the key to life in general, not just relationships. Since change is constant we must be flexible in order to keep up. When I was younger I was always flexible with my friends, family and jobs but not so much with my boyfriends. I always had a specific plan of how things were going to go and where the relationship was going. It wasn't until my relationship with my college boyfriend (9 years ago) didn't work out the way I expected, that I learned to be flexible in relationships. I was like many other girls in college who thought I was going to meet my future husband there. I met this guy my sophomore year and we dated on and off until he graduated. It wasn't until I moved in with him and things went south that I realized, you can't plan life and you have to be willing to bend in order to make relationships work. Over the years since then, I've found that I have sometimes been the one doing all the bending and that doesn't work either. With my current boyfriend, we have been through some crazy life happenings in the last year that I know if we weren't flexible, would have killed our relationship instantly. I think flexibility in relationships is something you learn over time as you get older. I'm glad I learned how to be flexible and have found a man who is flexible as well, so neither of us is the one doing all the bending to make things work.
I like to consider myself a flexible person, but the reality is that I am flexible on the stuff i want to be flexible on and pretty stubborn on the parts where i do not. This is where responsibility comes into play. Sometimes I am very ungiving when it comes to other people's wants and needs. For example, something small like when my girlfriend wants to be on time for something or just lay in bed with me a little bit longer and I don't want to, you pretty much have to force me to do those things. I think it goes both ways, of course, but giving in every once in a while is never a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I pride myself in is the ability to accept and welcome change in my life. I actually think I thrive on it because I find myself in a rut when things in my life become boring and the same day to day.
ReplyDeleteOne thing about change that I am battling right now is change between generations. I am temporarily living with my grandmother and she hates change. She likes things her way and if I don't follow her way (change things to my way) we argue. It has been that hardest barrier for us to overcome living together. I love to eat all kinds of food, she NEVER tries anything new. I appreciate people the embrace changes in life as they age. I think that as this world gets more technical it is imperative to embrace change.
As I was thinking about a response to this post I asked my boyfriend is he thought I was flexible to change…. And he laughed. Then he said I was resistant to change “just at first.” I think he’s right. At first I am resistant to change. I may be open to an idea, but I am not always initially open to the idea of change. It takes me time to process and get used to the idea. I need to be able to wrap my head around a situation to be able to consider change. I think in order to grow as a person we have to change. We may not always like it, but it is necessary. In relationships, keeping lines of communication open are essential to making sure partners change together as a relationship progresses. My boyfriend and I are similar in our reactions when facing change. We are both stubborn and resistant at first, but soon after are open to good new possibilities.
ReplyDeleteBrandee Flynn
Comm 315
G.Mason Comm 460-50
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I like change but I only like change if it is something that is positive. When it comes to change in a relationship, I feel that over the years in the relationships that I have been in that I have been the person to push for change. If things weren’t going right and caused problems on my end as well as the other person, I was the person, who would bring it up in conversation. Some people will just let things remain problems and don’t bother to speak up and address things, but this has always been something that I couldn’t allow. I have learned that if you push for change that change will occur.
I consider myself to be a flexible person. I feel that I have a few situations in my life like with work and school that require a lot of change, so I am constantly making changes to myself and making the effort to adapt and change to given situations. The changes that I have attempted to make with myself consist of changes that can make me a better person or better at a given task. I hope to continue to not be afraid and adapt to change.
I think change in a relationship can be a very scary thing. But as long as you can find that intimate place where both you and your partner are able to express to each other your inner thoughts, it will contribute to the fluidity of the relationship and keep the relationship evolving and growing.
ReplyDeleteNathaniel Harris
Comm 460