Healthy Relationship Principle #3: Relationships Will Die If Not Nutured.
Relationships require constant tending, just like growing a garden does (I have spring fever, so we will go with this metaphor). What happens when a garden is neglected? It gets weedy, wilty, buggy, and eventually dies. Relationships, just like gardens, are living things. They need attention, time, and support to thrive. In short, they require your active participation in order to thrive.
Fujishin is not just talking about romantic relationships. Every type of relationship needs to be nurtured. Research shows that the most likely reason that friendships end is because the friends just drifted away. Family relationships may be taken for granted and ignored. My littlest girl said a very negative thing to her sister recently. When I talked with her about the impact of that on her sister, stating that her sister might not want to be around her if the negativity continued, Leah said: "She's my sister. She has to be around me." "Not necessarily", I replied, "You need to treat her with respect and love because she is your sister and is special to you. Being your sister does not give you license to treat her badly and expect she will just take it."
What can you do if you are engaged in a relationship that is headed to the morgue?
Talk with each other about how to fix it. Listen to each other's needs. Plan ways to revive it through shared activities or communication. Support each other's dreams and passions. Create rituals to do with each other. Give each other the gift of time. And then stick with the plan you create.
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Communication in my relationship is something that needs help. I have had problems in my relationship recently and I know that its because of the lack of communication. I am a very closed person and this has had an impact on my relationship. One thing that my partner keeps telling me is that we need to talk more to advance our relationship. I know this is true but its hard for me to change how I've been for 33 years. Communication is the key to any relationship because when there is trouble, if we learn to communicate, we can discuss the problems and ways to get past our problems. But, without communication the problems will get bigger and bigger and what was something small has all of a sudden turned into a mountain. Taking a communication class has certainly help me communicate better but I still have a long way to go.
ReplyDeleteMy most recent relationship lasted over 5 years, and the last few months seemed like a steady decline. We talked several times about how to fix things and what needed to be changed, but nothing seemed to change. For about a week after we talked the relationship was ideal, but after that the changes wore off and we were back to trying to figure out how to make it work.
ReplyDeleteA relationship really is like a garden. It has to be constantly treated with love and care, and anytime one thing goes awry, changes must be made to accommodate all parts. It is not easy and takes attention, but when everything grows and flourishes, it is worth all the hard work that was put in to it.
G.Mason-Comm 460-50
ReplyDeleteLike always this is a very true concept, at this time I realize that I have a lot of relationships that aren't necessarily dead, but have definitely lost the connections that once were very strong. My parents have always told me that friends will come and go, but the older that I have gotten I have learned that they don’t necessarily have to. People don’t make the effort to keep up with each other anymore. It could be maintained with a 10 minute phone call once a week or through email. There really isn't anyone to blame but people as a whole.
When I was growing up I was very close to my family members. I have 4 cousins and an aunt who range from 27 to 24 including myself who I was once very connected to. In the publics eye you would never see us with out each other on the weekends at the usual teenage hang out spots. We were so close that no one truly believed that we were family. People use to think that we were making things up because we loved to hang out with each other so much. When I look back on things it sort of makes me sad because we all should be as close as we use to be. It’s just that the older we have gotten, gained our own lives, and identities the more we have fallen apart. We still see each other from time to time during family events but it will never be the same as when we were teenagers.
Do you have a Wilty relationship?
ReplyDeleteI liked what you said above about valuing your family and friends. I think sometimes when we are younger we may not see how important a true friend is in our lives. We don't usually have that many real friends in our lives so the real friends we make should be valued and cherished because they are so special and meaningful when you get older. I have had a girlfriend of mine for over 44 years man I'm old...we have known each other since I was 13 and we just clicked the first time we met. We have remained friends through all these years and I'm so thankful we have. She lives in another town and we don't see each other very often maybe once or twice a year but I know she's there if I need to talk and she knows I'm here for her. We do keep in touch by email and phone and I love her very much. She is the sister I always wished I had. We have been through a lot together and shared some really great times and I would never take her friendship for granted. I am such a lucky person to still have her as a friend. I could call her right now and if I asked her to come up she would without a doubt. I'd do the same for her. So always value the people in your life especially the special ones that you know are in your heart and there for you. It's such a quick trip through our lives so value every moment and especially the friends you make along the way. They make the journey so much happier.
I couldn't agree with this topic more; relationships are like flowers in a garden and will wilt if not tended to properly. I find that this is especially hard to do in my life right now. I am in my mid twenties, married and have 2 children, so you can see where much of my time goes. My husband and I are constantly working to nurture our relationship so it remains healthy. We are both so busy, however, we take time out each week to sit down and communicate our thoughts and feelings to one another. And at least once a month we schedule time for ourselves without the children which is extremely hard to come across, so that we can rekindle our feelings towards one another and discuss things that we don't get to on a daily basis. I would have to say that a lot of my same sex friendships have wilted and gone to the morgue. Many of my highschool and college friends are in this category. It seems like when we graduated and got older, we started our own lives and went our seperate ways. I do have quite a few left that I am constantly nuturing because I value these greatly. It is so hard to come across true friends of the heart, and when you have something special like this, it is important to nurture and maintain. I feel that if you do nurture the relationships important to you, that you as an individual will remain strong, happy, and healthy, and will not wilt away either.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I am generally really good at keeping my friendships from dying out. I have lost a lot of friendships in the past when I was in high school and such, and it has taught me just how important it is to keep in contact with those whose friendships you truly value. I had a childhood best friend who I did everything with when we were young. As we grew older and went to different schools our friendship drifted. We would then speak to each other once every year or so just to check and see how the other was, and one day I learned that she had been killed in a car accident. You probably heard about it on the news... The guilt that I felt from having let my friend slip away and not remaining close with her was awful. Now I know that I will not let any of my other friendships die, because good friends are hard to find and once you have them you shouldn't let them go.
ReplyDeleteNicole Carey
Brandi Koch - 315-50
ReplyDeleteYour analogy of a relationship being like a garden is perfect. Just the other day I began looking for a really good girlfriend of mine that I haven't been in contact with for the last 2 years. I actually had her email address and 2 phone numbers for her, but we had lost touch. When I contacted her, she was so happy to hear from me. She had lost my information and couldn't find me. Over the years, I have let certain friendships die. Sometimes because the other person and I had grow so far apart. In some instances, I don't know if this has been a good thing and I may try to reconnect. I have certain close friends and family that I am very attentive with. My mom and I talk on the phone several times a week and value each other's opinion. My husband and I have a wonderfully open and honest relationship. It is interesting that over the years, people seem to keep a close net circle of friends. It is hard to stay in constant contact with everyone, given that there just isn't enough time in the day! Although it may not be the most intimate of settings, applications like FaceBook are wonderful for reconnecting with old friends and rekindling past friendships. It is so neat to see what direction everyone's life has gone in. I will continue to tend to my closest of relationships and remember to water them daily :)
Ashley Casebier
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this post because I think it is very true. Through college it has been hard to maintain friendships the way I wanted to due to work and school getting in the way. I am looking forward to graduating and spending time and effort to cultivate the friendships that are important to me and gain new ones. I also think friendship is a two way street and it should be cultivated by both participants. I have been in friendships where that is not the case and it is very difficult to value that friend.
I find this topic very relatable – I was actually just thinking about the importance of investing time in relationships while driving the other day. I’m very glad that you mentioned that this not only applies to romantic relationships, but friendships and family relationships as well. I was thinking about different friendships, and I was categorizing them as stabilized, waning, moving toward friendship, etc and I was thinking they key aspect that maintains the relationship status is communication, or lack thereof. The only way to reach and maintain a stabilized relationship is to actively participate, communicate, interact, and support each other. It’s quite frustrating when you feel as though you are the only one participating and contributing to a relationship.
ReplyDeleteTurner - 315
I have those relationships that are headed to the weeds. I feel like I will still always be there for them as a friend. but not as often. I feel like just because I do not always talk to them they still are a valued friend that I just don;t talk to that much. If we are truley friends and have a relationship time or distance is no excuse not to continue the relationship. I try to send emails and call when I can.
ReplyDeleteI also have those family members that I feel like i only talk to on hoildays or tragedies. I still always love them and show respect no matter how ofen we talk. I have been trying to attend more family functions to reignite the close relationship I once had with my family members. Most of them are older than me, but I try to relate as much I can.
Nancy Kindrick comm315
I like what you said about giving the other person the gift of time. I can totally relate to that. I have found that the biggest problem that I have with the relationships with my children and husband is time When I am home I tore 4 different ways, and no one person is getting the time they need from me. I normally try to have at least one weekend every couple months and have either a boy weekend or girl weekend so no one feels that they don't have me. My husband though is usually the one who loses out. As the children grow though we will get to spend more and more time together, and those are the thoughts that keep me trying so hard to make us work.
ReplyDeleteShannon Cline Comm 460
Over years of practicing and experience, I have learned to read into a relationship headed to the morgue and it takes two to make it work. The way it happens for me is: One person does all they can to save the friendship and the other ignored the fact. Eventually they grow tired and move on but the other person then realizes how much the person was there and steps up to the plate. By that time, its too late!
ReplyDeleteI agree you have to attend to a friendship like a garden. You have to call at least every now and then, spend time and share feelings.
Maria Davidson COMM 315 said...
ReplyDeleteI think following through is the single most important thing to do when trying to revive a drifting friendship. The worst possible thing you can do is to assume too much time has passed to reach out and reconnect. I have lost contact with one of my bridesmaids, and I really feel if we had made an effort earlier to communicate then we wouldn’t have felt so awkward bumping into one another in public. The short conversation we then shared felt very uncomfortable and almost forced, leaving me wishing I hadn’t seen my once dear friend again.
I like the metophor used in the blog. I totally agree with that metophor. Most relationships go bad because people do not know that you have to work to keep them alive. Just liking someone is not enough to keep a relationship. After so long you start to find a lot of dislikes. I believe that if you are in a dying relationship you should make a list of your goals of the relationship. You should have your partner do the same. Afterwards the two of you should come together and examine the goals. After discussing the goals then you should make a decision on whether the relationship should continue.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your daughters fighting. My girlfriend's sister keeps hurting my girlfriend, Jessica's feelings because she doesn't care what Jessica thinks of her. She probably just thinks Jessica will always be there for her. She never acts like that towards her other friends. So her family has a different view towards her than her friends. It is also tearing their family apart and pitting the family against one another. I agree that friendships are not usually easy and that it takes a conscious decision to maintain them unless you live with that person, and even then it could be difficult.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting topic for me and I hope you do not get offended my comments professor. In my opinion, women are very difficult to deal with. Maybe its the women that I have been in a relationship with and I will take some of the blame also. In my ex girlfriends have not been very compromising, and they have all been head strong. In my experience, once a women's mind is made up it is made up. I have tried to communicate to work our problems out, tried to be extra nice and caring, and even brought a thoughtful gift. All of my efforts usually did not make the situation any better. I think that I am too young to be in a relationship because I am not sure what my direction in life is. That could be a reason why all my relationships have ended poorly, and I am against any serious relationship. Maybe one day things will change.
ReplyDeleteTokova 460
ReplyDeleteFriendships are something that have to definitely be maintained in order for them to survive. When I first began dating my boyfriend, all of my friends hated him. They didn't think that he treated me right. Because I chose him over my friends, I ultimately pushed them all away. I have a tendency to do that. My best friend hung in there with me and is still there for me today. Most of my other friends have moved on without me. We really don't have much in common anymore. I now need to look for friends that have some common ground with me. We have to work to maintain.
Relationships are very very difficult and easy to begin but very hard to maintain. It is just like a garden in the way you have to nurture the plants to keep them alive, i think of it like a kid, its very easy to have that kid, mother nature sets it course and a new life is grown inside of you, once that baby comes out or that friendship arises you then have to put work in and nurture what you have made.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that several of my relationships with close friends have fallen by the wayside. It's not that we don't get along. I think that just the business of life has gotten in the way of our relationships. Some of my friends have gotten married, started families, moved across the country, etc. This makes it quite difficult to nurture a relationship. I think improving and nurturing a relationship must be attempted by both parties. No one person in the relationship should have the burden of always making that phone call, or always sending that e-mail. It works best when the effort is mutual, otherwise it seems in vain. As far as my family goes, we remain close and are quite mindful of making efforts in nurturing our relationships. But when it comes to old friends, it seems like now, many of my friends only get together when someone is having a bachelor party or wedding. There really is no mindless hangout time with all my friends. It is every now and then when we are all in the same city, which can sometimes be hard. I would like to actually call some of the people with whom I have lost touch, and attempt once again at making a connection. Once I do that, then I can nuture the relationship to where it once was if possible.
ReplyDeleteTommy Kottalis-460