How do you view your role in your intimate relationships? Are you a giver or a taker? Randy Fujishin, the author of Gifts From The Heart: 10 Ways to Build More Loving Relationships, believes that shifting your focus from self to other is the fundamental attitude required to establish loving relationships in your life.
What are the small ways you can give to your loved ones (and I'm not talking about the gifts you can purchase--although those are nice to receive and to give at times!)? The gifts Fujishin lists include: accepting others, communicating to connect with others, listening, accepting others, forgiving, asking questions, flowing with conflict at times, enlarging others, showing you care (remember Love is a Verb), and encouraging others to grow.
Without you deciding to become a giver in your relationships, the chances of you deepening and connecting with others is limited. Giving is a choice. If you feel ambivalent about making this decision, honor that your intuition might be telling you this person is not the correct person with whom to try to build a mutually giving relationship. The best relationships are those where both partners are making the choice to become givers.
But, there might be other factors holding you back from becoming a giver. Explore these with the following questions:
What are the benefits of your relationship with this person?
What specific gifts does he/she give you?
What do you think would happen if you decide to give him or her these gifts?
What do you think would happen if you decide to NOT give him or her these gifts?
What influences from your past relationships are in play here?
Let me be clear: I am not advocating becoming a giver in relationships that are abusive. If you are in such a relationship: leave rather than stay and take your honor with you rather than give it away.
In future posts, we will explore the basic principles of healthy relationships and how to hone our skills of giving.
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I have always been the giver in my relationships. This doesn't necessarily mean romantic relationships but family and friends as well. I find comfort and happiness in giving myself however, I have learned that it is important and healthy to be the taker as well. I just recently learned this concept as I had given so much of myself and there had been little return that I lost who I was as a person because I was constantly trying to be what that person(s) needed of me. It wasn't healthy and in the end it hurt several relationships. I think there should be a balance but being a giver is an important aspect to have and I think also lays a foundation for trust and dependability, two things I value in a person.
ReplyDeleteMy current relationship with my fiancé James is a really fulfilling one for me. I would say the biggest benefit of our partnership is just that--we work together to resolve conflicts and we support each other 100%. James gives me what no other partner ever has. He truly listens (most of the time...haha) to my thoughts, fears, goals, dreams, struggles, etc., and he backs me up and cares about what is going on in my life, even when others don't.
ReplyDeleteOne example of how James supports me is with school. Yesterday was a busy day for me. I worked all day at my job, then went home and immediately had to sit down for an hour to an hour and a half to take a difficult test in another class. I had studied really hard for this test, and I ended up doing very well on it. We all know what a great feeling that is to see your hard work pay off! When I finished the test, James was right there to enjoy the success with me, and he knew first-hand all that I put into preparing for it. This morning my dad called, and I told him about the test. He responded sarcastically by saying, "Oh, yeah, Sarah. We were all so worried." What frustrates me about that reaction is that I WAS worried! Everyone in my family just expects me to do well, but they don't always acknowledge that it takes hard work to keep it up! I feel unappreciated sometimes or that my efforts are cheapened when people simply take it for granted. That's one big real-world example of how James gives to me.
I try to be that support system for him, too. I am a firm believer that both parties in a relationship need to be equally invested. Meaning, everyone deserves to feel supported and that someone else thinks their life and thoughts are important.
For the past 20 months, James has been working at a new job in a completely new industry. When he was laid off in the summer of 2007, we really didn't know what was going to happen, and he got pretty down on himself during the job hunt. It was tough going at first, but he has really come into his own in the past 11-12 months. He often says that I am the reason he found a good job and is now thriving there. In fact, he is about to get a promotion. I am so grateful that my encouragement, faith in him, and listening ear have been so helpful in his eyes. But I definitely don't take credit for his success. I always like to tell him that I am just thankful I'm along for the ride and that I can share this experience with him. I am overcome with pride for this man that will be my husband in just over two months, and I can't wait to see what is in store for the rest of our lives. If the desire alone to give to James is strengthening our relationship, then I feel like we're off to a running start.
~Thompson 460
Courtney Busick - COMM 460
ReplyDeleteFor the past year and a half, I have been a giver in my relationship with my boyfriend. I have always been a giver in romantic relationships. This doesn't mean sometimes I am selfish and act selfishly, but I am someone who deeply care about another's feelings, how something might affect them, and opening myself up. If you were my friend, you might not quite understand how I am able to do this since I was engaged for three years to someone who was also a giver, except towards the end, our dreams were not expressed and conflicts arose (see how all of this ties into Gottman!) My boyfriend now has had a more difficult time being a giver and opening up. He accepts me as I am as I do him, he supports me, he is forgiving with me, and is always trying to show he cares. However, his past relationship with his ex-wife was holding him back. Until recently, she and their relationship have almost been the huge white elephant in the room sometimes. We both finally addressed the situation and how our relationship could not deepen and mature until he faced his past. He did and already I can tell a difference. It was like he was almost giving all of himself except for this one little piece left. He needed my gift of support and understanding and because I gave that, we are able to move forward together and build and deepen our relationship now.
He offers me gifts of spiritual guidance. I admire his faith and desire to have that. He accepts me for who I am and loves me for all of it, even the sometimes bossy, demanding nature that comes out. His strength, his determination, and his trust are just some of the most beautiful gifts he gives. We are both learning that the gifts we offer are not always demonstrated in ways we think they should be. For instance, showing him I care means saying "I love you", he does this, but he might take me to a favorite spot instead.
I know the gifts we offer one another are both similar and sometimes the counterpart to one another. We balance each other way and also are very similar in many ways. If we did not offer each other these gifts, we'd never grow as a couple or as individuals.
Angela Clayton says from COM460-50...
ReplyDeleteI've always considered myself as a giver. I enjoy doing for others and get satsifaction from helping others. I sometimes feel like I spoil my boyfriend with my given attitude. Just simple things like doing all the chores, caring for the animals, and maintain my appearance for him. Sometimes I do feel like I give more then I receive. I've always been the person to avoid conflict and that was a challenge when I lived with my parents because it felt like conflict and tension was always in the air. Now that I have my own relationship I do tend to let things go when I shouldn't but I don't want to deal with the tension. In agruments I do try and listen and understand their view points of the arguments before I express mine. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves so I always keep that in mind.
I have always been the giver in relationships, with friends & family. I love doing stuff for people but hate it when people ask me for stuff. In relationships I've only been in two but I have been the one to give. My finance now tries to give but you can tell he's new at it. I wish he could be just a little bit more romantic about it. I don't expect him to give all the time but just show me he appreciates me & he cares. We all like to feel appreciated that's why I like to give so much.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married for many years. That shared history of ours, in itself, is a gift and benefit we give each other. It is a comfort to have someone remember all your crazy stories and still laugh at them. It is a gift to have someone who knows all of your crazy family members and still love you (and them). Heck, the time it saves trying to decide where to go for dinner is nothing to sneeze at.
ReplyDeleteWe also give each other the gift of personal time. This has always been important to us. I like to travel and he doesn't. He gives me the gift of encouraging me to go on trips with my family and friends and I give him the gift of not trying to change him from being a homebody.
Through the years we have had some rough spots. Right now is a pretty tough time. I have to work many more hours than last year and he has lost most of his work. This is really hard on both of us. Not financially as much as emotionally. The main gift we are giving each other now is a shoulder to cry on and a good laugh or two. That should get us through a few more anniversaries.
T.Woods-Com315
In most of my close relationships I've been the taker. I don't get too close to people so it takes me a while to form trusting relationships. If someone breaks that trust then the relationship shifts. I wish I were more of a giver because I enjoy helping others and making them happy, however when it comes to my past relationships it hasn't been the case.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wish I could find that person that will give me that balance to both be a giver and to openly receive. I know a few couples that seem to have that gift, and sometimes think I'ld like the same, but until I make some changes within myself I will more than likely continue to be a taker.
Karla Crawford-315
Giving is the best part of any real relationship. To me there is nothing more satisfying then seeing and feeling that happiness and love that is generated by the other person when you have just given them something. And not just a physical gift, but say when I tell her that she is beautiful when I know she is having a bad day; or when I give her a call in the middle of the day just to let her know im thinking about her. Little things like that are priceless gifts that can be cause for love in any relationship. Now in any relationship there is going to be times where you dont give like you should, whether your preocupied with somehting else or you are angry at eachother. But times like that are what makes the times when you do give even that much better. But giving has to be a two way street, it is impossible to enjoy giving all the time if the person you are giving to only takes and does not return the giving.
ReplyDeleteAdam Froman-315
Charlotte Shumate
ReplyDeleteClass 460-50
Blog Post
March 3, 2009
Become a Giver
I am the person who enjoys being the giver. I’ve always been this way and it gives me a lot of pleasure making others happy. Why I’m like this I’m not sure but it’s a part of me and I love making others happy. As I think about it I think it would be nice to have someone who gives to me and I once had that but since my husband passed away I pretty much do most of the giving. When my husband was alive he was a very giving, loving person and I was so blessed to have such a wonderful person to share my life with. He would do all kinds of sweet things for me without me ever having to ask. Once I came home from work he had bought me a beautiful set of lamps I had been wanting for a long time with a very pretty mirror for our living room. He was so sweet and generous I miss that a lot. He was a giver by nature too and when we were first dating he would fill up his car with gas and the place gave little broaches/pins to the customers with a fill up. He got me a bunch of these really cute leaf pins and I still have them. Just little sweet inexpensive things like that meant so much. He and I could talk about anything and I guess that’s how we ended up together because we were both givers. I was lucky to have him for as long as I did and I’ll always cherish what we shared. I know I tend to always talk about him when I write but he was such a part of my life for 30 years and gave me so much. He would fix my coffee in the morning and bring it to me he would massage my feet without my even asking he was such a wonderful person.
My grown son is still living at home and he is a fine young man and a giver just like his Dad was. If I mention something I want to him be it a pack of gum or just something I want he is so sweet about remembering and giving it to me for my birthday or holidays. Sometimes he just comes in the room and says hey mom give me a hug now you can’t beat that can you? Plus it cost nothing and gives so much happiness. I am a very blessed lady and I am glad I am a giver too. This kind of goes back to the saying “little things mean a lot” they really do; sure gifts might be nice but a hug or someone to sit and talk with is priceless. I would tell everyone reading this to always appreciate what and who you have in your life you never know when it can be taken from you and you can’t get them back. Say I love you everyday I did and I'm thankful I did.
Brandi Koch - 315-50
ReplyDeleteI love these topics!
I am definitely a giver in my relationship and my husband is too. I was not always a giver. I have learned over the years how to be the right kind of giver in the right kind of relationship. I feel that in interpersonal relationships, you should treat each other as bestfriends. Marriage is a truly special and unique relationship and I feel I have been preparing all of my life for this wonderful experience. I can honestly say that we give each other the gifts of respect, love, support, laughter, friendship and so much more. My husband is having a difficult time finding a job right now and even though we are in a financially tough situation, I make a conscious effort not to make him feel worse. He is doing everything he can and it is my job as his bestfriend to be there for him and not add to the stress. I think that if we decided not to be so supportive and loving toward one another it would have a very negative effect on our relationship. With such a high rate of divorce in recent years, I can't help but to think that the breakdown of communication with couple must be astronomical. I feel very fortunate to have learned from my past experiences and mistakes in prior relationships. I have taken that knowledge and wisdom and applied it to my recent marriage and I feel so fortunate to have such a vibrant, open, honest relationship with my husband.
I have always considered myself a giver as well. I think that giving is not just something you do as a person but it's something you do as a friend. I give to people I know are in need because I care about their happiness and well being. It's often the greatest gift to be there for someone you love. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, just listening to the vent, laughing until you cry, etc. I try my best to be there for others as I hope they will give and be there in return.
ReplyDeleteSydney Smith Comm 460
ReplyDeleteI would definitely say that in my intimate relationships I am the giver. I would have to say that giving in any relationship should be a mutual thing. I have found that there are, and should be limits when being a giver. OFten times I find that I can be a giver in a relationship to a fault, I have the tendency to give to much of myself and often the people arent as giving in return. I have learned to accept boundaries and try and look for relationships in which giving a a recipricol thing. I believe that when giving is reciprocated the relationship is able to grow.
I am not currently in an intimate realtionship, but in previous relationships I have felt like the giver. In any relationship, intimate or not, I try to give as much as I can even when I really can't. I give my heart and sometimes that isn't enough because I feel like my heart is it large but is often mistaken for weakness. I love to spoil my friends and my significant other when I have one. It would be nice to feel what I give in return, but I try to appreciate the little things like love, compassion, and respect. Even though they are of little material value, they mean more. I try to go into any relationship expecting nothing so I don't disappointed. That is sad for me to say, but with my life experiences that a feeling that is very real. Yes I would love to be showered with gifts and love, but I just try to think realistic. I've been told sometimes what I want is unreachable, but I have hope that it isn't. I just want to feel like I am appreaciated for all the giving that I do.
ReplyDeleteMy last intimate realtionship was not what I thought it would be. I feel like my past relationships teach me more about what I want and I don't want. For example, I casual spend time at the mall like any normal female. I see things all the time that remind me of certain people that I would love to buy for them. After so many occasions of me giving and not recieving anything, not even appreciation, I quit buying and would just look. I would love to have a relationship one day when I wouldn't have to feel like that and I could do want I wanted and know that it was meaningful for the other person as much as it is to me.
Nancy Kindrick 315
I have always considered myself to be a giver in relationships both romantic and otherwise. I feel satisfaction when I give of myself to those I care about. At times though, my giving and nurturing ways can be a hindrance. I have allowed people that I cared about, who I thought cared about me, to take advantage of me. I am working on not giving so much of myself and allowing myself to have more of a "taker" attitude.
ReplyDeleteTurner - COMM 315
I have not been a giver in all my past relationships, but recently I met and obtained my bff Damon. He is the best thing in my life. He is always there for me and does the sweetest things for me without ever asking for anything in return. The only difference in our relationship and my relationships with other men is that we are not sexually involved. I haven't given myself to him in this way because it would change our relationship and we realize that is too risky. And it helps that he doesn't have the "taker" mentality, otherwise we would not be friends.
ReplyDeleteKathy Mattingly--COMM 315
ReplyDeleteI would say that I am mostly a giver in all my relationships, romantic and not. I truly enjoy helping others with problems so I'm always listening to my friends and family. I enjoy helping co-workers with projects so I give of myself there and expect nothing in return. I always give with my boyfriend. He has a very stressful job and he's in school full-time, so I listen to him when he needs to vent, I support him in all his endeavors and I do my best to show him I care. We have been living together for almost a year and we both realized a couple weeks ago that we had been taking more than giving. We had both been taking the other for granted so we sat and had a long discussion about where we were at and where we wanted to go as a couple. We have always been able to communicate with each other and this time was no different. We both talked about our needs and wants and now we are a stronger couple with our eyes on the future. I think in relationships we all try to give but life happens and things get comfortable, allowing for giving to become taking without even noticing. Communication is the key to any relationship and as long as you have that, both people should be able to give without feeling they are taken advantage of.
Tokova 460
ReplyDeleteMarch 8, 2009
I am the giver in most of my relationships, whether it is in a romantic or just friends and family. I give all of myself to developing friendships and intimate relationships. I do feel that I get taken advantage of at times because of my giving nature. I have been cheated on and lied to many times in my romantic relationships and still tried to work things out. My friendships have not been a real issue. A lot of my friends are givers also so our friendships are easy ones. With my family, I give a lot because of the support that my family has given me over the years.
Not until recently have I tried to become a conscious "giver" in my relationship. In relationships I have had prior giving was something I thought was happening automatically, but then again, I wasn't listening and I really did not take into consideration the way the other individual feels - just the way that action or phrase made me feel at that time. I would end or discontinue a friendship or relationship because of the fact that something went wrong and never thought about how I contributed to the betterment or the failure of the relationship. Looking back I understand that everything is not about me and I have to take a step back sometimes and ask myself how I escalated the situation or what I can do to de-escalate it.
ReplyDelete