The final component of Foster and Hick's happiness model is truthfulness. Happy people choose to be honest with themselves--they forge an internal contract with themselves to live and speak their "truth".
It is not always easy to tell the truth to ourselves. But if we don't, we risk living an inauthentic life. The important people in our lives might not want to hear our truth--particularly if we entered into the relationship not telling the truth about who we are. Truth-telling requires us to learn our truth and to then speak it in kind and compassionate ways.
Sit down with paper and pencil and write the following sentences: "I pretend that _______." The truth is________" Keep repeating this as issues or ideas come to mind. Through this exercise, deeply held secrets are allowed to emerge. Maybe you pretend that you have a close relationship with a family member. But,the truth is that she doesn't really don't know much about you because you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with her.
Many of us live our lives with a long list of "shoulds". The shoulds are given to us by our family as we grow up, our peer group, teachers, our society, the media, religion, and politics. Peeling off the "shoulds" you live by and discovering the truth of who you really are is a sometimes long process. When you begin to speak your truth, make sure you do not judge others. Simply speak from your point of view about what is important to you. In the words of the Dhammapada (from the "True Master") are the "rules of engagement" when speaking your truth:
He offends no one.
Yet he speaks the truth.
His words are clear.
But never harsh.
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I have always been taught to be honest and tell the truth. When I was a kid and I done something that was wrong sometimes I wouldn't get in trouble if I told the truth. If I told the truth about what I had done my parents would sit down and talk to me about it and move on. If I lied, well, lets just say it was a big mistake. My parents explained to me at an early age that if I was ever in a situation and needed them to be there for me they needed to be able to trust that I was being 100% honest with them. Even if I was wrong they would support me and be there for me. They explained to me that people are going to make mistakes and people need to be punished when they do something wrong but as long as I was honest with them they would be there for me no matter the situation. When I was a kid and I use to get mad at my dad he would say to me "son, I don't care if you like me or not thats not whats important to me. What is important to me is that you respect me because respect once I have your respect everything else will come." I believe that being truthful is the way to gain peoples respect. When people know they can trust you to be honest with them, even if you hurt their feelings, they will respect you. This is why I believe in being truthful, if our leaders would be honest and truthful this world would be a better place for everyone. My dad use to say "if your not going to tell the truth don't say nothing at all." Imagine how quiet this world would be!!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes truthfulness is hard! I can say from a personal experience that I am in right now that I want to be truthful, but I don't want to hurt the other person or lose them. I think that sometimes it is much easier to skirt an issue than to take it head on. Sometimes to be truthful is to step out of your comfort zone. This is something I have NEVEr been comfortable in doing. I want to on the inside, because it tears me up, but on the other hand, I don't want to rock the boat. I think that I need to work on being truthful and tactful!
ReplyDeleteI do have a long list of "shoulds" and I have always been bad (good)? about pretending things are the way they are supposed to be. A lot of this is how I was brought up. It is ok to feel the bad emotions, just don't show them seemed to be our family motto.
ReplyDeleteI pretend to like my job. The truth is I am feeling overwhelmed by it right now.
I pretend it is ok that my husband just spent a lot of money on his "hobby". The truth is I am angry because our finances are really low right now.
I do find this to be a very emotional process. As unhealthy as it may sound, pretending actually does work for me in the short term and it is easy. But how true that it doesn't make for a very authentic life. It is an area that I very much need to work on.
Terri Woods Com-315
2/20/09 As the old saying goes, "The Truth Will Set You Free". I believe this whole heartedly. When I was younger my parents did teach me right from wrong and I am very thankful for all they did. Of course each of us learns what is right and what is wrong by living and learning. I raised my children to always be honest and not to lie about anything. Of course there are always incidents where we all might use a "little white lie" to get ourselves out of a situation. This is not right to do but I guess there are always reasons for doing so as I have done so myself. However, as I have gotten older and hopefully wiser I know honesty is so very important in our lives. I tell my children and grandchildren to always tell the truth even if it hurts you tell the truth. If you tell a lie then you have to remember what you said and you usually keep on lying..one lie leads to another. So why not just grin and bear it and tell the truth. I despise a liar and I tell the truth even when it might hurt me. In the long run telling the truth really is the best policy. It shows that you are an honest, sincere person and in life that is so important. Just tell the truth. Charlotte Shumate Class 460
ReplyDeleteI am a honest person. I haven't always told the truth, who knows sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut sometimes because you knew it could create problems that you have nothing to do with. On the other hand I take honesty very serious. No one wants to be lied to especially in a relationship. I always say I would just rather know the truth even if my feelings get hurt.Somethings are just meant to be said. I don't like my friends boyfriend and I tell her because I love her. I am a honest person and would never deliberately lie or cheat on someone to hurt them.
ReplyDeleteN J Kindrick 315
Morgan Tardiff Comm 315
ReplyDeleteI've always told my mother everything even if it wasn't something I wanted to tell. We always had a very close relationship and I never wanted to keep anything from her because I knew she would always have the best advice. She would always tell me that even though telling the truth is hard it was much easier then telling a lie. Because sometimes even a white lie can grow and grow until we can't even handle what it's become. For example my sister didn't do well in a highschool class and she told my mother it was because of another student. My mom went and talked to the teacher who then called this students mother. It turned out the student had nothing to do with it and my sister was just trying to stay out of trouble. The lie had grown so big that even she couldn't handle it anymore and it was now affecting other people.
My parents when I was younger always taught me to tell the truth. As I got older I learned even they did not tell the truth all of the time. Ever heard of the little white lie? I still think a lie is a lie little or big. They all have the chance to come back and haunt you later. I thinnk that I lie more to myself than to anyone else. I say I won't wait until the last minute to do my school work and usually I end up finishing it on Sat or Sun. I say I am going to eat better and yet pizza is still my favorite. I think it is harder to be honest with myself than it is ti be honest with others. This is something I really need to work on.
ReplyDeleteBeing truthful to yourself is quite refreshing. It takes a lot of work trying to meet the expectations and the hopes and dreams that others have in mind for us. I try my best not to kid myself or make up excuses for why I fall short of acheiving what is expected and I have come to accept that I will always have certain aspects of my personality that others may not understand but it is OK, as long as I give an honest 100% effort. One aspect i do struggle with in terms of being honest is being completely honest if it is for my well being but not being able to accept the consequences of hurting anothers feelings for my personal benefit. This is also if it is quite evident that it is for the best, I feel guilty being honest then and putting my personal growth before someone else causing them pain by engaging in such raw truthfulness. How can you get past this?
ReplyDeleteI try to always tell the truth to my friends and family, but it is important for me to tell the truth to myself. I am in my senior year at the University of Louisville, and I am in my last season of playing basketball. My dream is to be an NBA player and I have a great chance to do so. I have been telling myself that I will make it in the NBA but I understand how hard it is to make it. I really must tell myself the truth that there is a chance that I might not make it, and I need to really think about my future. I am think about what I am going to do after college if I don't get drafted? I will graduate from school but I have yet to focus on a job after basketball. I am must now tell myself the truth that there is a chance that I won't make it and I must create a new future for myself.
ReplyDeleteI too was raised to be to be honest and truthful. Mom always told my brother and me that we be in more trouble for lying than what ever it was that we did that might get us in trouble otherwise. I took those words to heart and I am for the most part a very honest person.
ReplyDeleteAs a child this honesty often made stick out. With this honesty I have always been very sure of who I am and who I want to be. That doesn't mean I don't grow and change, just that I am who I am. I tend to be very honest about who I am to myself and others. I think sometimes this is hard for others because a lot of people don't always want to really know someone. With my self view, I also tend to expect honesty from others. I want to know who people are, not just the person they might think I want to see. I think this expectation can also push people away if they are not comfortable with truth.
I also think that "the shoulds" that we learn from others influence our own truths. I think for me it was very difficult in times of personal growth and change to clarify what is true to myself and separate my personal truth from the "shoulds".
Brandee Flynn
Comm 315
I was always told by my mother that honesty is the key. I have been blessed with great jobs and have received a lot of experience. Its time to be truthful that without a degree, it will be harder to get the pay I want. This world is constantly moving forward and I don't want to be left behind. Therefore, I want to keep progressing, that means bettering my self in order to get the salary desired.
ReplyDeleteI pretend to like my job and the pay because I have never made as much as I do now. But this is just a temp. fix. I have so much to offer and will make more as time passes by.
I did this exercise and found it very boring. I have always tried to be honest with myself about matters of the self. I hate when people are fake and act a certain way around certain people. I make sure I am the same person no matter who I am with or around. I am a pretty outspoken person. I have no problem expressing my feeling to whomever. Everyone close to me knows im this way so I do not really hide my feeling from my friends and family. I have found it is great being this way. No one is in for any surprises when it comes to me. Like the old saying 'the truth will set you free' and i love being free.
ReplyDeleteWhen making my list I found many things that I pretend and yet I am not. I go through my days pretending. Yet, this list of things that I pretend is a list that will definitely become should haves if I don'begin changing my ways and working toward becoming this person I want to be, but have not made the effort to become. I didn't think when creating this list that I would have so many, and I even quit without writing all of them down. I was even more surprised that I admitted these things to myself, and didn't just try to repress those thoughts and feelings. This was a great exercise, and one that I hope I will not forget about.
ReplyDeleteNicole Carey
Comm 315
I try to think of things that I pretend with but I don't think I can come up with anything. I may pretend that I am a better son and family member than I really am...but I think I am pretty good...I may pretend to be more insecure than I really am but truthfully I use it as a cop-out. I may pretend that I am unsure about certain aspects of my personality when it reality I don't want to admit to the truth.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I find it hard to look at certain sides of my personality that I don't want to see or own up to because it may make my life a little harder or make me upset...
I, Like many of you was always taught to tell the truth. Often times as a kid growing up it occurred to me that /when it came to right and wrong if you told the truth you got in less trouble! I don't know if that is the reason I always tried to be honest of what, but that was something I did try to be with all of my hear t as a kid and still today. However, I wonder how honest I am being with myself. I try to be honest with others, (although I do sugarcoat things for others often to make them feel good), but myself I don't know.
ReplyDeleteThat being said here are a a few of those pretend things
I pretend to have an idea that I'm going into sports broadcasting like my dad. The truth is I have no fricking clue what I want to do(although sports broadcasting sounds cool)
I pretend to be the dumb guy the truth is I'm actually pretty smart.
I pretend to be really nice but the truth is I wonder sometimes how much I really care.
Looking at my list of the truth, I found a lot of things that I am unhappy about. Though I am a fairly happy and honest person there are many things that I don't deal with because it's easier not to. However, I realize that if I put the effort into these things then I will in turn be happier because i will no longer be pretending that everything is okay when there is more thati could do. There wouldn't be more to do and I will be proud of myself for putting the effort in. My list basically slaps me in the face and says, stop being lazy and do the things you know that you should. It's only going to make my life better. - Zach Dobson 315
ReplyDeleteTruthfullness is so hard to come by now a days with so many people telling white lies and over-exageration just to get what they want or be percieved as they want to be. In my everyday life i come into contact with many different people of many different backgrounds, most people i come into contact with seem to be truthful and real people to talk to, only sometimes do i come into contact with people who i feel arent truthful. We all have to tell some white lies here andthere but is it really beneficial to the other person?? or are you just seeking benefit from yourself?? I believe that being truthful is the key to hapiness and without the truth we are lost in our own lies!
ReplyDeleteLike many of you, I was raised with an, "honesty is the best policy approach." In the fill-in-the-blank exercise, I pretend I am always happy at work. I have a pretty good spirit about me. If I am not smiling, people assume something is wrong. The next part I wrote, the truth is liberating. Once you tell the truth about something and get it off your chest, a serious weight is lifted of your shoulders. I despise liars because you can never trust them. When you can't trust someone, it is really difficult to carry on an intimate relationship. I think there is a fine line between not being forthcoming and being dishonest. I will try not to say anything that will hurt another's feelings. They also say that the truth hurts, this is where the value of honesty can be tough to determine.
ReplyDeleteTommy Kottalis-460
Tokova 460
ReplyDeleteAs an athlete, you sometimes have to pretend to be something that you are not. I have always tried to be an honest and truthful person. The person I have had problems being honest with most is myself. I try to make myself believe things that I know are not true at times. Honesty is sometimes hurtful but withholding the truth can hurt more in the long run. Honesty in an intimate relationship is the most important part of the relationship. If you are not honest with each other, the relationship will fail quickly. When being honest is going to hurt someone, I sometimes don't tell the whole truth. I know that is not right but I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. Trust and honesty are important in any type of relationship.