I'm really pleased to get this blog going--it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. So, in the spirit of the New Year, I did it!
What sorts of relationships will I be writing about here? Friendships, Romantic Relationships of all types, Marital Relationships, Sibling Relationships, Parent-Child Relationships--all of the people in your life who influence your everyday life and worldview the most. Research shows that the existence of these relationships in our lives impacts our quality of life and our physical well-being. If we have strong, loving relationships, we will report greater satisfaction with our lives and enhanced physical health. Of course, the down side is that if we lack these relationships, we will be more likely to experience loneliness, depression, and dis-ease.
A relationship is composed of 2 people, but the real work of relating starts with you. Becoming mindful in your relationships requires you to first examine the relationship you have with your Self. How much attention do you pay to how you communicate with your loved ones? How much do you respect You? What thinking and behavioral patterns do you bring into your relationships? We all have relationship histories: how does yours influence your current relationships?
My posts for January will focus on the Self--how we perceive ourselves, how our communication creates/recreates these perceptions, and how we can start identifying ways that we sabotage relationships from reaching their fullest potential.
Remember: gaining knowledge is the first step to transformation!
I ran across this quote today and love it:
Of all the judgments you make in life, none is as important as the one you make about yourself. The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action, between failure and success."
~Nathaniel Branden
I really appreciate the quote you have posted. Throughout college I have had to look at my self-esteem and reevaluate it. Most recently I have been doing a lot of "self work" and the most important thing I have learned is not how other people perceive me but how I perceive myself. 1000 people could tell me everyday that I am beautiful but until I think I am their compliments mean nothing. Appreciating what you have and what you have been given is very important in determining the person you want to become.
ReplyDeleteAshley Casebier made the above post!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the posts, their thoughts reminded me of something I recently heard (I believe on TV): We cannot save others. We can only provide opportunities. The choice is theirs. You might be asking how does this relate to the self? Well, I'm a "yes woman." My senior year of high school I took a course essentially called Life Skills. We created a portfolio, read Stephen Covey (so I am well versed!), and reflected and examined ourselves and how our own beings affected others. A "yes woman" has the opposite belief than stated above. I feel the need to save anyone and everyone, whether they want to be or not. I tend to neglect myself, my needs, my wants; and thus, do not really have sustaining relationships with others like I think I do. I am actually hindering my interpersonal relationships.
ReplyDeleteMy goal since the summer has been to focus more on myself because if I can strengthen myself, I can strengthen my relationships with others. My mom always tells me that you have to love yourself and be happy with who you are before entering into a mutually satisfying relationship because happiness is not dependent on others. I really believe this. I can have happiness by being around someone or sharing with them, but my happiness stems from myself.
Courtney Busick made the above post
ReplyDeletePost by Brandi Koch
ReplyDeleteI think this blog is a wonderful idea for the class. We all need to look inside ourselves to begin with, so the idea that January is about "self" is really great. I am 31 years old and I feel that with each year, I grow more as a person and the growth has become exponential over the last 5 years! The more I learn, the more I want to know. I feel fortunate to understand the basic aspects of "self".
When you discuss strong loving relationships vs. lack of and how that affects us as a person, I have first hand knowledge of that through certain members of my family. I have two uncles that are in their late 40's and have no idea how to properly or effectively communicate with other family members and, no matter how hard we try, they have alienated themselves from everyone around them. It is unfortunate. Their lack of ability to communicate has made them bitter, depressed individuals I am sad to say. They are a perfect example of how not being in touch with yourself breaks down the rest of your communicative efforts.
To end on a positive note, I really liked the knowledge=transformation quote - so true. It also seems that confidence is a key factor in having high self esteem vs. self esteem or low self esteem. If your self confidence is high, you are more likely to take action instead of remaining passive.
I absolutely love the idea of having a blog. The thought of January being all about the Self is perfect because starting the new year it's right to realize that you have to love yourself above all things. I have several older friends that I am very close to and for many years people have thought it to be weird that I hangout with older people outside of my age range. I have come to realize that it does not really matter what other people think of my relationships with those I love most in my life as long as I am happy with the relationships. Since I have accepted this way of thought many others who first thought it weird have learned that I am not going to change my realtionships and they too have accepted the friendships. I have learned that if you are able to please yourself then you can please others as well. This is a great idea!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great inclusion for an online course! Having this additional outlet for discussion and self-exploration is something from which we can all benefit.
ReplyDeleteI love Dr. Werking's comments about the Self--how it's a great starting place because our relationships with our individual selves really do impact every single other relationship we have, whether we're aware of that or not. I think that, because of the communication courses I've taken (and probably in part because of my inherent introspective nature), I'm more and more aware of my communicative skills and habits with others. This doesn't mean that I always communicate effectively, unfortunately, but I pay more attention.
I think a huge benefit of these classes for me, personally, has been that I have more insight into WHY people may respond in particular ways. For example, if someone gets defensive in a conversation with me, chances are I have a better idea of the reasoning behind that and the part I play in that person's emotional response. It's difficult for me to talk about how much I respect myself. Because of various decisions I've made in my past and their subsequent consequences, self-respect and self-confidence are challenging for me. I think I hold myself to too high a standard at times, which definitely has a negative impact on particular interpersonal relationships (especially that with my fiancé). For one thing, I have already been married once and divorced, so I am definitely carrying some baggage into my current romantic relationship. It's something I'm acutely aware of, and it's also something I'm working on correcting, or at least, making peace with.
I LOVE the quote Dr. Werking included here!! If I may, I'd like to add one of my own that has held personal meaning for me, and I think may help others as well. :)
“Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
~Sarah Thompson
My name is Gerita Mason. I truly agree that all relationships start with yourself as an individual. One of the first things that come to my mind is when you talk to friends about the relationships that they have with other people. I find that in these relationships when a girl or a guy has been hurt from a previous relationship and may have developed trust issues, that they sometimes carry it over into the new relationship. The new person hasn't had the chance to prove themself before the person (who has been hurt before) has already deem that they are going to have a hard time leting their guard down and begin to trust this new person who hasn't done anything wrong. One of the quotes that I have heard which actually came from a rap song states " It starts from the inside, you can't love no one until you can love yourself."
ReplyDeleteShannon Cline Posting. Often times you don’t realize that people have the same problems as you until you read what they have to say. My mother in law is a prim example of what happens without human contact. Her husband died about 20 years ago, and she has never moved on. She gave up on life, she is always sick now and she is just so sad. In replacement of having her husband she has tended to give in easily to my husband which has made him spoiled and is very clingy with the grandkids. Don’t get me wrong she is a great mother in law and grandmother, but she stressed out over little things.
ReplyDeleteI believe that self esteem issues are something that everyone deals with just on different levels. Personally I have huge self esteem issues. I question myself daily, I question my actions as a mother, my worth as a wife and finding something positive to say about myself usually only comes when I am highly upset with my husband and feel the need to remind him how lucky he is to have me. Because of my self esteem issues and knowing how I used to live my life I have huge trust issues which negatively reflect my relationship.
I am looking forward to your blogs.
It sounds kind of crazy, but I have never really looked at the way I communicate with others. I now realize that paying attention to the way you communicate with others is very important. In my relationships and my communications with others I try to be very patient, kind, and understanding. I like to let others know that they can come to me with their thoughts and feelings, and that when they do I will keep them safe.
ReplyDeleteI have always been a person that my friends and family turn to when they feel the need to confide in someone, and I pride myself in that. My ability to communicate successfully and have strong relationships with others stems from my relationship history with others that have this same skill, such as my mother.
Just as I have learned how to effectively communicate with others, I feel that someone with a negative relationship history will not be able to achieve this type of communication. It will be interesting to learn more about this in the class.
Nicole Carey
What a great blog! My name is Sheila. I am not officially one of Dr. Werking's students, but rather a friend. Yet, I learn from her all the time, so in an informal way . . . I too am a student. One of the basic tenants of a 12 step program (for alcoholics, addicts or family and friends of the alcoholic/addict) is to focus on yourself and not the other person. Meaning, that as long as you are always working on improving yourself and your relationship with your higher power, whatever or whomever that may be. . . .then you can find happiness and serenity in your life. That tenant goes hand in had with what you all have been saying. We never get to perfection, so this is a lifelong quest. Consequently, one never gets to "fixing" others, which we have no control over anyway. Courtney's post reminds me of my constant instinct to "save" others. I have learned that I cannot do that. The best way to help others is to help yourself.
ReplyDeleteI admit, though, that I do struggle with balancing this perception with the idea that it is "selfish" and "self centered" to focus on me! Similarly, how do you work on loving yourself and still maintain "humility"? I think that this is a tight wire that we can spend our entire lives trying to stay on and "balance". How do we keep from falling off on the side of self loathing and low self-esteem or falling on the side of arrogance and pride?
Wow this post could not be more true. In life we often look past the most important relationship in our life, the one with ourselves. Life is so fleeting and so fast that it is easy to get caught up in the outside influences that come at you everyday, distractiong you from what is really important. I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to take some time to slow ourselves down and take a good look at ourselves and evaluate who we are and where we are in life. I believe that small thing can give each person so much in terms of self respect and self understanding.
ReplyDeleteThis is Ashley Gillespie. I am so happy to join this discussion especially after reading Courtney Busick's post. I am currently dealing with this very topic. I, like Courtney, is a "yes woman" and came from a long line of "yes women". I constantly wonder why others dont go and do for me as freely as i do for others. I had to go through some harsh life lessons to realize that if i invested so much in others and neglect myself, when those people are gone i have nothing left. I forgot to take care of home first in a sense. After becoming a communications major, i am gaining some great knowledge on communicating affectively and not only with others in my life but to myself. I love this blogging deal. I hope we can continue having some really intriguing topics to discuss!
ReplyDeleteSheila,
ReplyDeleteI worry about being selfless and selfish at the same time too. I care so much for others and their needs that it's been hard for me to step back and say, "You know what? I can't right now or just plain no." An individual told me that it's helpful to take the external need and make it an internal want. Do I want to do this and why? I ask myself that now and then really focus on the why aspect. If I am not hurting someone or endangering my or their life, it's ok to not say yes. It's been an incredible to see how over the last few months my relationships have actually strengthened because I have this outlook now.
The "saving" attitude stems from growing up in a single parent home where my mom raised me. She was and still is always thinking of others. Plus, I am a former Elementary education major. I learned a long time ago that I can't "save" my students. I can make an impact or a difference. I provide the resources, but they make the choice.
This is Morgan Tardiff posting… I think having a blog will be a great tool that will help us learn a little more about each other and how we react to relationships differently. I also feel that the existence of positive relationships in our lives impacts our quality of life. I have a very close relationship with my parents and I feel that has had a positive impact on my friendships and romantic relationships. My parents have been married for 20 years and have a great relationship, but I have to admit I feel pressure to find that same romantic relationship in my life. I compare all men to my father and all I can say is they have huge shoes to fill. I don’t know if this is a good thing, but it does set the bar high for the men in my life. Self esteem is a huge issue I’m trying to over come. It drives my boyfriend nuts how low my self esteem is and when we go out I feel like I’m always comparing myself to the women around us. I really need to work on the way I view myself and I know I have a long road ahead of me!
ReplyDeleteThis is Jaimie Sturgeon... I never really thought about my relationships having a positive or negative effect on my life. I always accepted them as "the cards I was dealt" you can't do anything about the family you are born into. The romantic partners you choose and how you question yourself about choices you make for your children may have positive or negative effects on ones life, it makes me wonder how you can overcome the issue of not having any positive relationships. How do you overcome not having close family ties or parents that really shouldn't have become parents. I have a trouble connecting on an intimate level and letting people see the real me so naturally it is very hard for me to make friends instead of acquaintances and on a more honest level it is sometimes hard for me to reveal my emotions to my son. I also have the same challenge as Sheila in thinking that focusing on yourself is selfish and self centered. It is very hard to balance the 12 step idea and in some cultures this idea of improving ourself and focusing on improving our life is completely unacceptable. Accepting the dysfunction of my family as a whole and helping where I can is seen as more honorable than trying to better myself and my life. In my family practicing self preservation and using the word, "NO" translates into abandonment, laziness, or it means you think you are better than everyone else. How do you get past that? I hope this course helps answer all my questions.
ReplyDeleteI agree that relationships start with yourself. From experiences with past relationships I found myself focusing on my partner than myself so there were things that began to lack in myself and it felt like I was living someone elses life.i took a brake from dating and I began to focus on my self and who I am and what I want in my life. Now that I'm married I have to stop and realize that I am a mother, wife, and student but I'm me Tiffany. I beleive that you can't build a good and healthy relationship with anyone unless you love and care for yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe quote is so true. It all starts with how you treat yourself. I was watching an episode of 7th Heaven the other day in which Simon and Lucy had an argument because Simon said Lucy needed to dye her hair blond. The guy she was sating ended up hating it and she blamed it all on her little brother Simon. When they talked, Simon told her that he did not like that boy for her because he never ran after her. When she asked how that was relevant Simon responded in saying that whenever Lucy and their father have an argument and Lucy walks off in anger, their father always runs after her and makes her talk to him and wanting to resolve the situation as best as possible.
ReplyDeleteExamples like that are always around us...relationships being one-sided because one person does not respect themselves and there for does not know how to stand up for themselves. It all starts at home and how your family treats you and how you learn to appreciate yourself..
Monique Stepney
I, like the rest of the class, really like this idea of a blog. I think it is very fitting how in the month of January we are going to be focusing on the self. January usually has to do with self reflection and resolutions and what not, so the self as a starting point is very fitting. I myself have always had self-esteem issues. My self esteem is very much like a yoyo in the sense it is always going up and down. I play sports in highschool, and contine to play hockey here t the University. My self esteem has often affected my ability to play the game, and is the main difference between my younger brother and myself. He has that confident edge that I sometimes lack, and thus is a consistenly better player than I was. I don't really know if that is the cause of this or even if there is a cause. But I do know that the quote at the end of this is spot on. One MUST work to DO something to better themselves. I'm just starting to now ,after 19 years, embrace that concept. Often if I had an issue that dealt with confidence I would do nothing fearing to fail or even to succeed. I just did nothing! No more that is my New Years resolution to just do it! Hopefully, this course can help I my goal of bettering my image of me.
ReplyDeleteSelf-improvement is my number one priority in my life and communication plays such an important role in a persons life so it is a big focus of mine and one of the main reasons i chose it as a major. self-esteem plays a big part in my life as a grew up with low self-esteem because i constantly compare myself to others and base my self-worth on those comparisons. I have a couple of nathaniel branden's books and i think they are informative but not quite as practical. Relationships with yourself and others do being with the self and how you value yourself really shows in your relationships with others.
ReplyDeleteOf all the judgments you make in life, none is as important as the one you make about yourself. The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action, between failure and success."
ReplyDelete~Nathaniel Branden
I love this quote it says volumes about each of us and I can especially identify with it. Growing up in rural Kentucky as a little girl I think I somehow felt inferior because we were poor and didn't have as much as many of the kids I attended school with. I don't think it bothered me at first but after seeing how nicely some of the girls dressed I think it somehow made me feel a bit inadequate at the time. I had good clean clothes of coure but nothing fancy or as nice as a few of the girls I admired or thought I admired. Looking back now I can see that by going through this as a young girl it has taugh me a lot about myself and my self image. You can have all the pretty clothes in the world but if you aren't pretty inside it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside. It took me awhile to learn to appreciate who I am but I now know that I am a wonderful, smart, caring person and I don't need fancy clothes to make me feel equal to others. I am just me and if people don't like it too bad. I try to consider everyone's feeling and I treat others the way I want to be treated. I think we are sometimes our own worst enemies. We tend to judge ourselves way too harshly. We think we need to keep up with the Joneses so to speak and we really don't. But like I say it has taken me years to realize this. I use to think I had to have a new car, a nice house and all the name brand things in order to be like everyone else. Now I don't care about all that and to tell the truth I don't want to be like everyone else I want to be me. I'm just fine the way I am I like me and I know others do too.
Charlotte Shumate Class 460
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure if we are supposed to post once a week here on the blog or not so I thought I'd just check in and say I am really enjoying this class and the opportunity to blog here. I think the Professor is giving us a wonderful tool to use during this class and we can learn even more about ourselves through the class and the blog. I think about change a lot and really want to get healthier this year. I do a lot of procrastinating and have told myself that this year I am going to really try extra hard to work on my health and getting more exercise. It's so easy to kid yourself and make excuses for not doing things you say you will do. Now I am working toward being more honest with myself and getting things done that I want to do. I'll check in again next week but wanted to tell you what I've been thinking. Thanks, Charlotte
Nick, I like what you say about self esteem I think we are all a bit doubtful about ourselves at times and how well we measure up to others. Brothers and sisters especially can make us feel like we aren't as great as they are or at least some can. I was an only girl and had three brothers so I didn't have to deal with the brother rivelry thing. My brothers were really nice to me most of the time and I looked up to them for guidance and help. Two of my brothers were older so they always looked out for me. My younger brother and I got along really well too. Guess I was lucky but I too have good and bad days with my self image. It's hard to get on track and stay there but I'm like you I think this class will be a big help and this blog is great so hopefully we can all help each other along and build self confidence as we do. Take care and keep thinking positive you sound like you are a great person. Charlotte
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