What do you say to your Self each day?
In an earlier post, I asserted that our definition of self is created by our interaction with others. Let me take that one step further: the things we say to OURSELVES each day that reinforce (or change) our definition of self are created and perpetuated in our communication with others. We carry the voices of our important people in our head! Some relational experts refer to this as the tape recorder in our head. We play the same messages over and over. Now, these messages may be positive in nature or they may be negative. Whatever their nature, the content and tone of these messages impact our sense of self dramatically.
I will share an example: throughout my life, my mother was very critical of my weight and other's weight, making overt comments about obesity, etc. Now, the reality is that I've been thin my entire life; not as much so since I reached my 50's! Anyway, even though the facts negate what my mother said to me, I still have to watch out for the critical messages that I carry around in my head. I've come to understand that this was my mother's issue and not mine. But even after years of work, I have to be on guard with my self talk on this issue.
The key to understanding your self talk is to pay attention to it. Take the time to write down what you are saying to yourself. Then, you can decide what needs to be edited. Create alternative messages. When you catch yourself playing that tape recorder in your head, make a mindful decision to change the message. Over time, the negative self talk will subside, but I have found old habits die hard and monitoring self talk is an on-going process.
I keep this quote on a wall in my work area. It serves as a gentle reminder.
"Each time you judge yourself, you break your heart." Kirpal Venanji
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When I first met my future wife, about 7 years ago, I noticed that she always worried about her weight. I would ask her why she was so worried about gaining 5 or 10 pounds because she only weighed about 115 pounds. But, after I met her parents I could see where her paranoia came from. She had picked up this paranoia from her mom. Within the first hour that I met her parents, for the first time, I heard her mom mention the word "fat" about 10 times. Now I understand why she is so paranoid about her weight, it was passed down to her from the time she was a kid.
ReplyDeleteNow that we have kids I sometimes here my wife mention words like fat and chubby to our son. I have to remind her that this is not right and tell her to think about how she felt when her mom use to say things like that to her. She understands my concerns and she is trying to work on it and I understand that these are the words she grew up around. My main concern is that our son is healthy, not if he gains a little weight. This is an example of getting the wrong messages as a kid and passing them down to your kids. Somehow we need to break this cycle and one way the cycle can be broken is understanding our feelings and putting in consideration the feelings of others.
Noel Rogers
Courtney Busick - 460
ReplyDeleteSelf-talk is something I have been working on with a counselor over the last few months as well. First of all, when I have been referring to an individual, I mean my counselor, and I feel like I have been trying to hide it. Her title is actually "Life Coach," and it's a pretty neat experience since she and I discuss many of the same topics in this course so far.
Anyways, we have discussed self-talk A LOT. For me, it's two conflicting voices speaking in my tape recorder: my mom and my dad. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I was raised by my mom. I have remained in close contact with dad and see him and my step mom quite often.
Because of this strain with my dad and after not growing up with him and not having a good communication foundation with him, I really listen to everything he says when I am around him and take to heart. I have learned the difference between when my mom is joking and being serious. In a sense, I have learned to filter the communication I have with my mom since she and I are so close.
My dad, on the other hand, is a completely different story. He can make mention of one little detail or even make a non-verbal gesture in regards to something we are talking, and I will "play" that over and over in my head. I analyze it constantly and will bring it up whenever I encounter something that relates to the gesture and/or remark. These are typically negative too.
So for instance, I changed my major twice and I have been to three different schools. This is a hard reality I deal with on a regular basis. I excelled at all three (according to my standards) and have no regrets as to where I am now. However, I feel like a failure because of my dad's self-talk. I interpret his messages (both verbal and non-verbal) to be ones of disappointment. When colleagues ask where his children went to school, he'll immediately talk about my sister and brother attending Notre Dame and then say, "Courtney is finishing up at UL."
These little reels are what make hesitate sometimes. I am learning that I can't make my dad happy though. I have to be confident in my own succession. My mom reminds me of my accomplishments and tells me regularly how proud she is of me. I also recognize that my dad and I don't have the same type of communication my mom and I have and will never have. It's just the way it is.
I accept that may read the non-verbal clues in a false and inaccurate way. I don't know how to filter with my dad. I try to ignore the negative self-talk and give myself a break.
This is Ashley Gillespie. I love and totally agree with the elaborate definition of self. I have always believed we carry on the voices of people that have influenced our lives in the positive as well as the negative. I, for example, was raised by very strict, authoritative parents that instilled a lot of morals and values in my brothers and me. But my parents were the decision makers. They decided everything from what we wore everyday to the things we could eat. Once i got out on my own, it was difficult for me to make my own decisions because my mother's voice was in the back of my head telling me what i should do. I had to learn that i was my own person and needed to make decisions according to how i saw fit. I had to pay attention to my self talk. What did Ashley truly want? Once you can achieve that, and believe me its an ongoing challenge, but you will achieve maximum fulfillment out of your life.
ReplyDeleteThe quoute by Venanji is an awesome one at that. I argue that some self-judgement is good and will keep us grounded; however, too much judgement of ourselves can lead to nasty heartbreak.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the example you provided I immediately flash to the message my Grandmother has ingrained into my head. A few years back my grandmother told me that I was looking "healthy" and wanted to know what I was eating. Now, my Grandmother's "healthy" is code for FAT. I was far from being fat now that I look back but it hit me hard. For a while after I always felt like my looks were being judged by her; I battled to lose weight that really didn't need to be lost. She even went far enough to tell me that I was looking fat during my pregnancy and that every ounce gained during the pregnancy was another one that I would have to work off after!
I have finally come to realize Grandma is just getting old in age and feels like she can say anything to anyone, even if that means hurting that individual. You really do have to pay attention to what messages you're telling yourself daily or heartbreak is inevitable!
I can really relate to Ashley's response to this blog. I too was raised by strict and very religious parents, and rules were abundant in my household. I've realized that having parents who were so over-protective has really hindered my own self-discovery and independence as an adult. When I first went to college out of high school, I was drunk with my newfound freedom. Instead of continuing the habit of being a straight-A, diligent student that I had developed throughout my adolescence, I went the opposite direction and started letting my boyfriend at the time make pretty much all my decisions for me--most of them bad.
ReplyDeleteLike Courtney, I transferred schools and changed majors multiple times. I joke now (in attempts to hide my embarrassment) that I've hit all the big Georgia universities: UGA, GA Tech, GA State...yet I never earned my degree. Instead, I dropped out of school at 22 to marry that boyfriend because I was too scared to "make a go of life" on my own, even though I knew in my heart that he wasn't right for me.
Fast-forward to present--five years after divorcing him, and I have slowly but surely transformed myself and my way of life. I've held down the same job for 4 years now, I've been taking classes part-time for the past 3 years, and I learned a lot about doing things by myself, FOR myself. I've also earned the love of a man who actually cares about MY goals and supports me, in addition to following his own. That is huge in my eyes.
But it's still a constant struggle to quiet that voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. That I should have graduated college a long time ago. That I should be more successful professionally, and that I should be ashamed of and hide my mistakes.
During one of my college transfers, I remember my father telling me that he was worried I would never be happy. It's crazy how one little comment can stick with you for a long time. I've mentioned it to him more recently, and I think he feels awful for saying it in the first place. But I can't help but wonder if he's right. What is it that will make ME happy? Satisfied? Proud of myself? I think my biggest issue is that I focus too much on what I've done wrong and have yet to accomplish, rather than where I've come thus far.
Thompson-460
When I first read your post I was fairly sure that I didn't have this "tape recorder" in my head, but I sat here awhile and thought about it. I do have things I say to myself, but they're not necessarily phrases or derogatory statements I repeat. I am very critical of myself when it comes to being a "good person", staying somewhat fit, and staying on top academically. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and I struggle with the guilt I have of not being able to do everything with my best efforts. Then, on the flip-side I make myself feel guilty for not having the time management skills to accomplish everything. I suppose when you boil it down my tape recorder says, "You can do better than that", "You can be a better person", "You can manage to do everything, so why are you slacking?"
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'm breaking my own heart when I judge myself, but I'm usually judging myself because I think I may be on the verge of letting someone else down.
Brandi Koch - 315
ReplyDeleteSo true! In the last two years, I have listened to shows and read books relating to this topic of "self". A great example is Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth". It discusses how there is a little voice in your head that you must pay attention to. When this voice becomes negative, you need to be aware of it and change its path. It is a build up of years of conditioned thoughts by the outside world, reflected appraisal, that can make us over analyze ourselves and become negative- I have never found over analyzing to be a good thing in my own life. I am a warm weather person and during the last three winters I've spent in Louisville, I have noticed a change in my mind during the cold winter months. I finally figured out that I had SAD - winter blues - but I really thought I was going a little crazy! I was "breaking my heart" on a daily basis because the tape recorder in my mind would not shut up! Once I started paying attention and realized what was going on, I was able to stop the negative thinking. It seems you have to keep your mind occupied with productive activities or it will begin to turn on you. I would never have thought that growing up in a warm climate (Miami) would have had such an effect on me if I moved to a colder climate. Maybe it is because I am a woman, but I feel like women are very hard on themselves when it comes to being "good enough". Whether it relates to our looks or intelligence, I feel like we think we have something to prove. I am sure men face the same thoughts. The key is to use positive reinforcement instead of negative and it definitely starts with awareness. Thanks for the blog!
I am a person who confides deeply in those I care about and who I feel truly care about me in return. Growing up, my parents never really were strict on me but instead invested their trust in me and believed in me to make the best decisions I could make for myself. Being raised this way, I have always put pressure on myself to do the best I can possibly do. I am very independent and don't like to rely on other people to help me succeed. However, I do like to confide my problems in my loved ones. Their voices are the ones I listen to the most. I will confide my problems or concerns in them and they will tell me to do what I need to do to make myself happy. My entire life I have been one to help others and to put others happiness before my own. I constantly am hearing voices to make sure I have my priorities set the way they should be to allow myself to graduate college and succeed. One quote I am constantly hearing is,"We will all be here when you graduate so don't worry about us." I have to constantly tell myself to stay focused and to push myself to succeed to the best of my ability. I know I am very able. I just have to stay focused on what I know to be important in my life.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the quote, I feel a little self-judgement is necessary. If I never evaluated myself, I would have no way of measuring my progress toward my goals or standards. Every once in a while I need that extra push of saying "You could work a little harder." I don't beat myself up about it, but I do need to check myself from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI work at an elementary school with children in an EBD classroom (emotionally and behaviorally disturbed. I go to all areas throughout the day with them, and during related arts one day the art teacher brought up self talk. I myself had never heard of self talk before, and he told me this was something very important to remind the kids of on a daily basis. I didn't realize that I already used self talk everyday, and reinforcing positive self talk is so important, especially in kids. When you're a child it is especially easy to have negative self talk. Training kids to eliminate the negative self talk, and bring out the positive is one of the best life lessons they can learn.
ReplyDeleteNicole Carey
Morgan Tardiff posting, After reading your example about the voice that you still carry around in your head I had to laugh because I deal with that same negative voice from my mother on an everyday basis. I’m 5’2 and 117 pounds, but I have a sister who is two years younger then me and 9 pounds less and my mother reminds me of this almost everyday. For a while I didn’t let the comments get to me because everyone knows you gain weight in college so I thought it was just a temporary thing and I would lose it, but fast forward five years and I still have the weight packed on and don’t think I’ll be losing it anytime soon. Every time I go home she gives me advice on how to lose weight because I’m too heavy for my height. At first I thought I was the only sister she made comments towards, but lately I hear her making them towards my two younger sisters and it frustrates me because I don’t want them to feel the same pressure to lose weight as I feel on an everyday basis. Even my boyfriend knows my mother is constantly talking about weight. After you said this was an issue your mom was dealing with and not yours it really made me think about why my mother might be so hard on us about weight. And I came to the realization that she doesn’t want us to end up unhappy with our figures like she is with hers. I constantly hear my mom’s voice in my head and it’s a huge factor on the way I live my life. I need to find coping mechanisms to bloke out her voice and start listening to my own. I really want to stop concentrating on the negatives about myself and start listening to the positives. I also really love the quote you posted!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAdam Froman-Comm 315.
ReplyDeleteI was born and raised in California, and although California is the most liberal state in America, I was raised fairly conservative. Along with being conservative comes certian views of other people, my main topic right now will be gay/lesbian people. My whole life I have been brought up being told that being gay is wrong and disgusting. There are certian thoughts that run through my head every time I see a gay couple or a converstion on gays is brought up. I have worked really hard in my life to have a more open view of others and to, even if I don't agree with them, accept their view as another possibility on a subject. Growing up I couldn't even be around gay people without feeling very uncomfortable and thinking negative thoughts. Now I basically take the view of "if that is what you want to do then so be it, I don't support that but I don't scorn it either. As long as you don't preach on me it is fine." Although this is not the most politically correct view, i feel that I have come a long way in my progression of personal talk.
I feel as if I have always somewhat self-talked to myself in my head. Sometimes I can be down on myself if I receive a poor grade in class or if a relationship isn't working out as if I had hoped. I sometimes remind myself to think positive and everything will turn out alright. Sometimes in the morning when I have early lecture and I hear my alarm go off....I have to remind myself that although I am really tired and I could use the extra couple of hours of sleep I remind myself that although it's just class lecture I have to think of it as a job for the future. That is if I strive in college I will soon strive in my chosen career.
ReplyDeleteMy parents have always been supportive of me and even now that I have been out of my parent's household for almost five years I still think of the advice and help that my parents have given me throughout my life. Although my Mother was never crtical of my weight or appearance she has always expected the best from me. So now even being an adult I do certain things because I know that I'm expected too. Not just for my parents but for me to have a more fullfilling life. No matter how life is going I now realize not to dwell on the negatives but to live life to the fullest.
Angela Clayton
Kathy Mattingly--COMM 315
ReplyDeleteI think my self talk isn't necessarily a tape recorder of anyone's voice but my own. I don't replay anything my parents have ever said to me in the past and I don't focus on anything my friends or enemies have said to me. I think I learned a long time ago that the only person that should judge me is me! I do agree with the quote but I think that some heartbreak makes us stronger, as long as we're not self-deprecating (sp?). I make comments to myself about my weight when I look in the mirror but usually once I move away from the mirror I don't think about it much. I grew up an extremely thin girl (many would say too thin) and my great-grandma always called me "chicken legs". I thought it was funny and never put any true stock in it. I was an active child and teenager so I didn't worry about my weight. The majority of my family is overweight and I think that's the only reason I even think about it now. I've learned over the years not to dwell on negative things and if you're not happy with something, only you have the power to change it. I think self confidence is the most important thing a person can have and if you're happy with yourself, that will show through you're confidence. So I just tell myself to love what I look like or change it and my confidence is restored. Then I put a smile on my face and head out to tackle the day!
Tokova-460
ReplyDeleteI found this blog very interesting because I have faced a lot of problems due to luck of self esteem and self talk personally and in my friends.
I totally have agree with Megan that sometimes you do have to judge yourself. I think I would peraphrase this quote a little. Being an athlete I had to judge myself on a court as a player as well as off-court as a teammate. I also believe that saying "people learn from their mistakes" is very true and fits this blog because after making a mistake you always analyze what you have done, and that's how you learn. So I don't see any problems in judging myself. Of course some people can OVERjudge themselves, and this is very unhealthy. As example I have a friend. She is beautiful, smart, intelligent young lady but once someone on a street called her "ugly", and seems like it has broke her heart. Since that day she didn't care how she looked, she didn't care what she was wearing, etc. It really hurted me because she was vey hard on herself, but truth is that a lot of people care too much about what others think of them! Our team had a seminar on a self talk and I could see how it have influenced my friend. And she has told me that she realized that people see her the way she allows them to see her! And that's the point I was trying to get across to her all this time. I believe that it's all about how YOU carry yourself around others!
I didn't realize how much I listen to the tape recorder in my head. I really begin to play it over and over again after I had my daughter. I had gained 50 pounds while I was pregnant.Fifty pounds is nothinhg when you are pregnant because you have an excuse. But after I had her I lost 45 of the fifty pounds.But I still would tell my self constantly that I was fat and still make small comments to this day. My husband commented on my apperance the other day instead of me taking the compliment I replied with "You know I look fat." Weight has not been an issue in my family until my mother and grandmother lost a great amount of weight and they were smaller than me.I slowly realize that my body will not be the same as before I had my daughter. As long as I'm healthy my weight does not define who I am. I still have issues but thats my tape.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that self judgement can be good if your trying to reach a realistic goal. I LOVE Venanji quote. I'm tired of breaking my own heart and this has helped me realize it.
Self talk is such a true concept. I have always known that I was hard on myself. When I was growing up and a problem would arise, in example I received a bad grade on my report card. Looking back now I find that I was harder on my self than my parents where. They would only ask me what it was that caused me to receive this particular grade. Afterwards they would place me on a punishment for a week or so without T.V. or the telephone, but I was so hard on myself, because I would tell myself that I got the grade because I wasn’t smart enough, but this wasn’t true. As I have gotten older I have taught myself that if you tell yourself you can’t do something you are not going to do it. If you tell yourself that you can achieve great things you will achieve great things. So far it is working because I am in my last semester of college for my bachelor’s degree. Let’s see if I can continue to talk myself into continuing on to grad school.
ReplyDeleteG.Mason-460-50
As Tiffany above me, I never really noticed how often I listen to the "tape recorder" in my head. The more I thought about it the more I recognized that I take notice of it quite often, if not daily.
ReplyDeleteThe self talk that I developed the earliest on would be in regards to my schooling that came from my parents. I lived in a structured and semi-strict household where grades where important. The importance of good grades and equating those good grades with making my parents proud have caused me to dwell in negative self talks. When I do not perform as well as I feel I should I feel like I'm not only letting my parents and those around me down by myself as well and that maybe I'm just not capable enough to fulfill the goals. This doesn't only pertain to my school environment but also my working environment. I always want to do my best and many times I can be too hard on myself if I don't accomplish what I feel I should.
Turner - 315
I love this topic because it is something i have been looking into a lot recently. I believe that growing up I have had a lot of negative self-talk messages going through my head. As i have learned more about this topic I have watched what I say to my self and how it affects how I feel about myself. It is hard because sometimes I do not even know what messages go through my head. But I am more and more learning to talk to myself like I would talk to my friends- supportive and nice.
ReplyDeleteThere are messages that play repeatedly in my mind that I also have had to deal with over the years. One message that is creating a struggle in my life right now pertains to school. I am a good student, and have always been a good student. I push myself hard to achieve good grades and put forth schoolwork that I consider to be my best possible. As a child I got mostly A’s. Whenever I brought home a report card, it always seemed as if my grades weren’t high enough. I was told that an A was good, but could have been an A+ if I had just tried a little harder. An occasional B was ok, but it could have been an A. I think my parents were trying to encourage me to do my best, but I think that what they considered constructive criticism became a block for me. Although I can tell myself over and over again that my parents are supportive of me (which they really are!) I can’t seem to turn off this comment about school.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who already has overly high expectations for myself, I took their words especially hard. I began to view all my schoolwork as not good enough. I continually hear the phrase, “but it could have been…”. In college, my need for perfection caused me to become so anxious over school that I had to take some time off before being able to complete my education. I even had a couple failed attempts at trying to return back to college, because I made assignments harder than they were intended to be and I couldn’t accept anything less than what I considered my best.
At this point, I have been back in school for almost 2 years. I feel more in control of the mental battle that I fight with the words from my past. I repeatedly tell myself that I am doing well in school and that I can continue to do well. I also have to tell myself that things do not have to be perfect. Sometimes good is good enough.
Brandee Flynn
Comm 315